SPOILER ALERT!! Every damn week, The Bachelor promises an OH-SO-SHOCKING rose ceremony. So shocking that you will run to your toilet, stick your head in and try to flush the SHOCKING moments you’ve just witnessed. Yeah, it’s never shocking. Look at the ho above. She’s at the supposedly SHOCKING rose ceremony and she’s thinking, “This is supposed to be shocking? Wake me.” I mean, The Bachelor ended up not giving out a final stupid rose. Basically, he passed me a giant bowl of BIG FUCKING DEAL.

The only thing that would really be shocking is if they finally admitted they were all robot aliens from a far off planet called Pathetica. Well, everyone expect for Stephanie. She is all human and all woman (and all gorgeous eyebrows). I mean, does a robot alien have a beautiful unicorn voice like this:

And only God’s hands could have created those gorgeous eyebrows. And by “God’s hands” I mean a tweezer and wax strips.

P.S. – Next week’s episode features the most SHOCKING rose ceremony of all time and forever!

Victoria Silvstedt is the hardest working whore in the game. Example: band-aids over knees (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Mischa Barton is Princess Trytoohardy – Hollywood Tuna

Please please let Jennifer Aniston hand out Best Actress at the Oscars – Popsugar

Estupideces sexuales! I felt like I had to type that because I just read that on the cover of GQ Mexico starring RiRi – Egotastic!

Shit that makes me happy: Gay love on Wheel of Fortune!! – Towleroad

Posh will go wherever the cash goes – Hollywood Rag

Even Ryan Reynolds veins are hot and thinking that grosses me out – Lainey Gossip

But where will I get my weekly Amandaisms? ABC is run by the devil – Just Jared

Leggings = Assholes – Cityrag

Enough with this Jason Bourne vs. James Bond shit! The minute Jason Bourne gets into some tight panties and shows us the fucking goods the way Daniel Craig did in Casino Royale, I’ll consider moving over to Team Bourne. But in the meantime, I’m sticking with Bond. If Matt Damon thinks I’m a caca person, then he would be right. But not because I love Bond.

You see, Matt thinks James Bond is really gross. He told the Miami Herald (via UsWeekly), “They could never make a James Bond movie like any of the Bourne films. Because Bond is an imperialist, misogynist sociopath who goes around bedding women and swilling martinis and killing people. He’s repulsive.”

Paging Ben Affleck! You’re needed at the nursery. Please carry Matt to his crib, stick a pacifier in his mouth hole and sing him a sweet lullaby. Just when his eyes start to close for the night, whisper in his little ear, “Honey, don’t be jealous.”

Seriously, who gives a fuck about all that shit? I’m not thinking about that when I’m watching Daniel Craig. I’m only thinking, “Take off your top. Shoot that bitch. Suck that olive. Shake that ass. Take off your top. Shoot that bitch. Suck that olive. Shake that ass...”

This shit really looks like a Wet Seal store from 1994 exploded all over a super plus tampon. It’s just the motherfucking punk rock tardess Avil Lavigne wearing her new line of short bus clothes for Kohl’s called “Abbey Dawn.” Abbey Dawn is Doucheanese for “Look like a special needs hooker.”

This bitch suffers from the Wonky McValtrex disorder known as “still dressing like you’re fucking 12.” Avril should just stop trying and go retire on a maple syrup far or something. Her career has already reach its peak when she released the epic punk rock masterpiece that is SK8R BOI.

Ever since my heart turned back into ash after the Shiba Inu 6 broke up to focus on their solo careers, a lot of you whores sent me new puppy cams to try and fill the dead hole in my life (STFU if you’re thinking what I think you’re thinking about the “dead hole” comment).

None of the new puppy cams even came close to making my heart sing again. Well, this morning, my inbox was filled to Videogum’s post on a new kitty cam featuring….you guessed it, genius: KITTENS!!!!

I’ve had it on most of the morning and I can say with complete confidence: this does nothing for me. I kept waiting for Kika, the Shiba Inu mommy, to stroll in for feeding time. And like Videogum pointed out, there’s no sound on this kitten cam! How can I fall in love if I can’t hear the furry pussy babies meow during their dream times?

For some of you, this may restore your faith in love after you thought it was all lost when the Shiba Inus went away forever. This is why I present this to you.

So that’s why the asparagus I had last night smelled a little like period jelly?

This Super Bowl ad from Peta has been banned by NBC because they felt it was way too sexy. They issued Peta a long list of shit they have a problem with. Here’s an example: “asparagus on her lap appearing as if it is ready to be inserted into vagina.” Heather Mills just busted one after reading that.

Peta should air this shit on E! instead. They obviously don’t have a problem with chicks rubbing their bodies on a vegetable (i.e. Girls Next Door).

Watching this shit really just makes me want to make dirty love to a delicious steak. I mean, some of the vegetables choices left my ass area twitching in pain. What is she going to do with that pumpkin? Forty five minutes later, she waddled into the emergency room screaming, “I accidentally fell on a pumpkin and it got suck in me vag!”

And when it comes to commercials involving vegetable fucking, this one still reigns supreme: