Holy motherfucking shit! One of the things on my cum bucket list is to witness the Crackie of Camden’s heroin shimmy and crackie cackle LIVE in its full glory. And now I have my chance. Well, that’s if the Wino decides to get herself out of St. Lucia. And that’s if they even allow her ass into this country. I will pray to my bong that this happens, because I need to see this fuckery for myself.

The full official line-up for Coachella has been announced and Wino is expected (hold your breath, but only if you took a bong hit before) to grace the stage!!!!! I don’t care if I have to sell my ass ($5 a pop) to get there, but I am totally going. I’ll even sleep in the damn dirt in order to get close to her. And I’m throwing in an extra prayer to my bong that she scratches me in the face or butts me with her crackhive. I could die happy. No, seriously, I would probably die, because who knows what crackhouse jungle diseases she’d infect me with.

Again, that’s if she shows up! Homegirl will probably roll up in May asking, “Where’s the parteeeee, eh?!”

Tickets go on sale today at noon. I’ll be staying at the luxurious Toyota Tercel parked down the road. You bring the Wino juice (anything in your liquor cabinet mixed with ice pops) and I’ll bring the “I’ll be your Blaaaaaaaaake” signs.

“Eyelash drapes for your Ceiling eyes: the Audrina Collection” – DEADSYISMYPAPICHULO

Runners-up:

Masturbation in Japan has completely different consequences. – Richard-Schlichting

No, Katie, that’s not what Tom meant when he said he really digs hairy balls. – TFBuckFutter

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Johanna Sigurdardottir – The world’s first openly gayelle prime minister! Go put on some flannel and fucking celebrate!

Iceland is expected to name 66-year-old labia licker Johanna as their new fearless leader. Johanna is a former flight attendant who worked her way up the political ladder.

I hope they name Bjork as the assistant prime minister or whatever the hell they call the second in charge. Leave me alone, I’m American!

And is it just me or do you really want to see Johanna say, “You are the weeeeeakest link“?

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For Eun-Ja

Christian Bale (35)
Jake Thomas (19)
Wilmer Valderrama (29)
Andy Milonakis (33)
Jemima Khan (35)
Carolyn Kepcher (40)
Jody Watley (50)
Brett Butler (51)
Phil Collins (58)
Charles S. Dutton (58)
Dick Cheney (68)
Vanessa Redgrave (72)
Gene Hackman (79)
Harold Prince (81)

Mickey Rourke has a face only the inside of a toilet could love, but beasts need affection too. Once you put the constant dry heaving in check, Mickey probably knows how to do that shit right. I mean, he had to have learned something from 9 1/2 Weeks, right?

Well, Evan Rachel Wood thinks she’s too fucking good for Chowderface Rourke. Miss My Twatty Lips Are Made Out Of Fine Crystal is pretty much offended by the rumors that she’s licking on Mickey’s pork rind peen. She told Rolling Stone, “I’m upset because I feel disrespected by the press and by Mr. Rourke. Just because I’m single doesn’t mean that you can take advantage of me. It’s unfair that the performances might suffer because of all of these distractions. I’m not attracted to him, he’s too old for me. Nothing ever happened and nothing ever will.”

Mickey didn’t queef in her ear, so why she so mad at him? Or maybe he did and that’s why she feels disrespected? Whatever. You know, I felt disrespected when I watched her butcher a few Beatles songs, but I smoked a bowl, slapped my a-hole and got over it. She should do the same.

And this bitch is delusional for sticking her nose up at Mickey when she has sucked on Marilyn Manson’s baby powder-covered skelepeen. I’d take Mickey’s stretched out mug over Marilyn Manson’s anything any day.

Welcome to the real word, Asshole Kutcher. Little Ashton Kutcher posted a video this morning of him crying and whining after the construction workers next door woke him from his baby sleep at 7:30 in the morning. Ashy bitched that he’s been dealing with it for six months and then called his neighbor a “jackass” and a “dickweed.” I don’t know who he’s calling a jackass with that hat on.

After his video douche rant, Ashy took to updating his Twitter about the situation. He said his “SOB owl feces cougar placenta jack bone dick” was polluting the whole neighborhood with the noise.

Ashy’s neighbor told TMZ that he’s just acting “silly.” You hear that, Ashy? You are silly! The man added that according to laws or something he has the right to start construction at 7 in the morning. The dude claims Ashton’s dick bag kingdom took 10 years to build and everyone in the neighborhood had to put up with the noise.

Ashy later twittered that it was all a joke and he didn’t really mean it, “I’m not saying im not pissed at the banging but common.” Yeah, everyone. COMMON! Please, you know the dumb bitch just felt stupid that everyone was laughing at him for being such a whiny fool.

If he wants to hear real noise, he should move to fucking NYC. Recently I got woken up at 3 in the morning by some bitch on the street who was screaming that someone stole her pet ferret! No joke. Did I get weepy about it? No. I stuck my ears plugs in, blasted my dream soundtrack and continued dreaming about Rojo Caliente gently combing my hair.

And how long have we put up with the noise pollution coming out of Ashton’s mouth hole? Yeah, consider this payback.