Christina Hendricks’ pillow top chichis are beckoning me – Hollywood Tuna

Ted Haggard likes to fuck himself – Towleroad

Do you wanna be on top? Well, here’s a power bottom for you – Just Jared

A ton of unadulterated fug – Popsugar

Crazy bitches fucking inanimate objects – Goldenfiddle

World to Lady CaCa: Put that pussy away! – Hollywood Rag

Juliette Lewis looks hot (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

The marketing for Dollhouse is really…um…naked – Egotastic!

Clive Owen getting out of a car. Yeah, it’s sexy – Lainey Gossip

The most glamorous hotel in the world – Cityrag

This is just one of the many barf-inducing bowls of grossness that Fishsticks Paltrow will serve up in her new macrobiotic cookbook. The shit book will be published next year under the title “My Father’s Daughter” and will focus on “the importance of togetherness at mealtime, emphasising that cooking for your family is the ultimate expression of love.”

Personally, I like to celebrate togetherness by gathering around a buffet of carbohydrates filled with preservatives and bashing Fishsticks’ mega snobbery with fellow haters. That sounds like the ultimate expression of love to me.

If you want a Goop experience, then save your coins and don’t buy Fishy’s book. Instead, take equal parts of delusion, narcissism and fakery, stir in a big bowl using the stick up Fishy’s ass. Then swallow the mixture. Wait 30 minutes, then vomit it all up into a bowl. Sprinkle some ORGANIC flax seeds on top and serve with a smug ass smile. There you go! You’ve got yourself a Fishsticks-approved bowl of poopy GOOP!

Here’s the GOOPess herself looking like a dried-up fishstick while being miserable in London yesterday.

It’s been Harvey Day every day ever since he’s been in Los Angeles. He needs to get on the next private jet (that’s the only way he rolls) to NYC, so he can melt this dirty ass snow with his smile made out of sunshine and Mother’s Cookies! But Harvey can leave his greasy chicken bone of a mommy at home. What is this bitch wearing? That was very rude of her to wear a blindingly bright outfit around Harvey. Even he thinks her “morning shift stripper goes to the PTA meeting” outfit is not appropriate anytime, any place, any fucking where. Those were probably his exact words.

Look at him. He’s trying to distance himself from that walking embarrassment. Katie needs to stop playing around and give Glimmer from She-Ra her boots back!

I must say that this is my favorite photograph of a talk show host posing an a Formica countertop. Like ever. Okay, now that I’ve orgasmed that out, let us all congratulate Ricki Lake for getting a job! Go Ricki! Vh1 announced that Ricki Lake will brave the STD storm known as Charm School. Ricki will replace Sharon Osbourne who replaced Mo’Nique as host and head mistress.

Charm School 3 will once again try to turn the cum sluts and crackwhores of Rock of Love Bang Bus and Real Chance of Love into fine ladies. But we all know Charm School is just another reason to watch skanks doing what they do best: get drunk and beat each other down.

Ricki as host makes sense. Ten years ago, all these skeezers would have been a guest on her talk show. Probably on the episode called “My pussy exploded but I can’t stop fucking!”

And Vh1 should close their doors and blame it on the economy if DJ Lady Tribe is not the main skank int he cast. Her epic slutness needs a new home and I don’t think CumFiesta.com will even take her ass!

Not even Cornify-ing Hasselcrack can make her sunnier and prettier. I fucking tried.

You know, it’s been a while since I’ve posted a classic Hasselcrack moment, but she gave us one The View this morning. The topic was Ashley Judd’s PSA where she bitch slaps Sarah Palin for killing woofies from the sky. Hasselcrack, defender of all things Palin, asked if Ashley also defends the hundreds of thousands of babies killed in abortions each year. When Joy Behar verbally punched her in the teeth by telling her to stay on topic, Hasselcrack asked if she was at the Socialist table? And just when I was about to scream “Ladies and whores, we’ve got a catfight!“, Whoopi went to commercial. Whoopi always has to leave me with blue balls!

I don’t even know why I watch The View anymore. Soon, I’m not going to have any teeth left, because I’m constantly grinding that shit when I listen to Hasslecrack’s yappy ass voice. I just want to take that bedskirt she was wearing, wrap it around her mouth, throw her in a Bed Bath & Beyond discount bin and pray that someone buys her ass to stick under their mattress forever.

Hmmm…but then who would feed me my morning dose of rage?!