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Christopher Maurice Brown has finally released some sort of statement of words a week after he allegedly delivered an epic beat down on Robyn Rihanna Fenty aka Princess RiRi of the Universe.

Okay, Chris Brown didn’t really put this shit together, his crisis team did. They probably brought out the book on bullshit PR statements, went to the chapter titled “When you beat a bitch down,” and chose the first statement that mentions Jesus. Because if you throw in Jesus’ name, then that must mean you’re really fucking sorry. Here’s Chris’ sowwy:

“Words cannot begin to express how sorry and saddened I am over what transpired. I am seeking the counseling of my pastor, my mother and other loved ones and I am committed, with God’s help, to emerging a better person.

Much of what has been speculated or reported on blogs and/or reported in the media is wrong. While I would like to be able to talk about this more, until the legal issues are resolved, this is all I can say except that I have not written any messages or made any posts to Facebook, on blogs or any place else.

Those posts or writings under my name are frauds.“

Jesus and God really need to file a joint lawsuit against bitches for dragging their good names into unadulterated fuckery! They are both crossing their arms and giving the side-eye to Chris.

This statement doesn’t really say shit. This looks exactly like the e-mail some trick sent me when he gave me crabs. Just switch out “blogs and media” with “bathroom walls and message boards” and it’s the same fucking statement

Chris dalso oesn’t give RiRi’s name and uses a word like “transpired” instead of “beating the caca out of a chick.” Apologizing: Chris Brown is doing it wrong.

Even the puppy in that picture is not amuse. Puppy is thinking, “Motherfucker, please.”

VIA People

Somebody in this world hates Kellie Pickler and that someone did her make-up yesterday for some fashion show. Bitch looks like she just gave a rim job to the Pillsburgh Doughboy and really got fucking into it. Just put her face in there and motorboated his butt. Motorbutted.

The thing is. This shit could’ve been saved easily with a few strokes from a Sharpie. Color in those eyebrows, line those lips and bitch would’ve looked like a gorgeous chola I used to hang out with in high school. We called that hot bitch Casper. She had two babies by the time she was 16, so homegirl was really friendly.

Here’s more of Kellie and her Wino nose with JLove in NYC yesterday.

There’s nothing better than a boozy pepaw sexing it up in a black speedo. Actually, yeah there is. A boozy pepaw sexing it up in a black speedo while trying to put his pants on as a shirt is even better. The bitches around his ass agree with me. Those whores are having the time of their lives. Even a little boy runs by recording this mess on his phone. They are all acting like this shit has never happened to them. It happens to everyone! Right?

One time I was at some trick’s house, wasted out of my brains. If you put a Brethalyzer near my asshole, I would’ve farted a 1.2 or more. Drunk. Well, when fucky times was over, I started to put myself together for the 4am walk of shame. Getting dressed while drunk is never easy, especially when it’s at some strange whore’s apartment. It’s confusing!

After about a minute or two of trying to get dressed, the mofo started laughing hysterically. I thought to myself, “It’s just a growth. Get over it.” But quickly realized that I was putting on my pants as a shirt just like the sexy pepaw above. I told the whore to shut the hell up and then said, “It also doubles as a shrug, you dumbass.”

That’s exactly what this sexy pepaw should’ve done. Worn that shit as a shrug and stomped off. Some people really don’t understand fashion.

Source VIA Buzzfeed

A couple of months ago there was a rumor that gay ass JLo and the keeper to the underworld Skeletor would sing a farewell duet to their marriage on Valentine’s Day at Madison Square Garden in NYC. Well, that shit never happened. Instead, JLo and Skeletor dragged the Dragon Twins on stage to show everyone what a big happy fucking family they are. I think the whole audience turned to stone when the BABIES!! came out. I mean, they pretty much look like Skeletor in baby form. Except they each weigh more than his ass. This is some SKELETOR ANTHONY’S shit. Yeah, that didn’t work, but I to give a shot.

The Dragon Tales twins look confused, because they have no idea who those people are holding them.

After the concert, JLo and Skeletor went our to dinner. Well, she ate the menu and he snacked from a bag of children’s nails he always keeps with him.

JLo’s looking a little swollen in the baby housing area. It’s probably nothing. Her ego has just settled in her belly. It’s trying to escape through her poon. Even it doesn’t want to be around her fake ass.

And let’s all bow our heads in a moment of silence to honor the dead pigeons on JLo’s nasty ass heels.

Nannerpuss or is it Nanerpuss? – Star of one of Denny’s commercials! Does anyone else think Nannerpuss is kind of phallic? Bitch is a one eyed banana. Peen anyone? My mind always goes there. But seriously, I feel like I should really take a hit of acid to fully enjoy this. And the Nannerpuss song has officially moved into my head for the day.

For A, Ted & Diana