Every time I watch the marshmallow queen known as Cojo on ET or The Insider, my peen gets a little smaller. When his mug comes on the screen I have to run to the bathroom and cover my peen hole. If I watch an entire segment with him, I’ll only be left with a clit. And not a Chyna-sized clit either! So, my peen welcomes the rumor that the sugarplump fairy might soon fly away from CBS.

Page Six says that the producers of ET and The Insider are looking to replace him with the head stylist of the show, because Cujo has become a real bitch who refuses to promote the shows. The source said, “His Q ratings have plummeted, and he’s on so rarely now that if you break down what he gets paid per appearance, it’s astronomical and not worth it.” You mean, they don’t pay him that queen in acorns, peroxide and glazed anal beads (his donut hole likes it extra sugary)?

A spokesbitch for ET and The Insider says Page Six’s source is lie-telling on the major.

You know, Culo doesn’t need that mess anyway! There’s bigger things in his future! Now he can spend all his time to working on his Reno, NV dinner theater spectacle called Chastity Belt: The Chastity Bono Story.

Back in January, Kate Moss was photographed in Thailand looking like she was suffering from a little condition called knocked the fuck up. Some weren’t sure if this was the case, since bitch was sucking on fags and downing beer. But this is The Moss we’re talking about. Bitch can’t breathe in oxygen unless it’s laced with nicotine.

The other night, Kate left a restaurant in London, where I’m sure she enjoyed a plate of parsley, looking like she was definitely preggers. Yes, I used preggers to remind us all the grossness of that world. It sounds like something I spit up this morning.

The News of the World says Kate is indeed the Big P and is expecting her new baby’s arrival in August. Since she’s past 12-weeks, she’s telling more and more friends. A source said, “She’s vowing to be an even better mum this time.” This time? Oh, yeah. She has another one of those kid things. I always forget about that. Usually when I see Kate, she has a ciggie in her hand, not a baby friend.

The father this time around is Jamie Hince, her Count Von Count-looking boyfriend. Damn. That baby is going to come out looking like this.

There’s still a little piece of me that wishes maybe she’s pregnant with Dreamboat Doherty’s baby. It could happen. His spermies are just as wasted as him. They probably got distracted on the way to Kate’s eggs. They hit up a few bars, crashed at a few crackhouses and eventually snuggled into her eggs years later. If the baby comes out with a “Property of the DH” stamp on its ass, we’ll know Dreamy is the daddy!

Yeah, Francois-Henri Pinault is looking at us like “Those world-saving chichis are all mine!” And that’s because Francois married those tittays o’ plenty on Valentine’s Day in Paris! You know, he slipped up and said, “I Francois, take you beautiful chichis….” I mean, we all would.

Le Point (via People) says Francois and Salma Hayek became husband and chichis at the City Hall of the Sixth Arrondissement in Paris. The Mayor confirmed that shit.

Francois started titty fucking Salma back in 2007. They got engaged in March 2007, popped out their baby Valentina in September 2007 and then called off their engagement in July of 2008. They got back together this past September.

Francois uses Gucci bags to wipe his asshole, basically. He’s the CEO of PPR who owns Gucci and other luxury brands. Last year, Forbes estimated his worth at $16.9 billion. It’s good to know that Francois will have the money to replace his nose when it falls off from over-motorboating Salma’s magical titty balls.

I didn’t think it was possible for me to adore Salma Hayek anymore than I already do!! When she’s not busy saving the world with her wonder leche, she’s digging for gold! I doubt there’s a pre-nup involved. Francois asked her to sign one, but she jiggled her bitties a bit which hypnotized him to forget all about that stupid document! In a quick minute, Salma will have all the cash she needs to buy the Isle of Lesbos for Penny Cruz. They will rename it the Isle of Chichis, naturally. That’s my idea of heaven.

At first, I was surprised at the initial story that the fetus, I mean, the toddler, I mean, 13-year-old Alfie Patten could even make a baby with an eye-dropper sized load of nut, but what I find even more shocking is that two other boys, Richard Godswell (left) and Tyler Barker (right), came forward to say they’re actually the father of Chantelle Steadman’s baby, Maisie Roxanne. The UK has different standards on baby making practices, because here in the US, a whore has to go to Maury to find out which of the 14 reluctant stunt peens are actually the father.

The mega-slut-in-training told The Sun that it was Alfie’s baby jizz that got her knocked up. Chantelle said, “I love Alfie. I lost my virginity to him. We decided to start a physical relationship because we love each other. There has been no one else.” Alfie said he is willing to take a DNA test. Well, he got all excited about it, because his daddy said he’ll get a lollipop afterwards.

I just have a hard time believing Alfie is the papa je’e. I want to see some ID. Bitch doesn’t even look like he can tie his own shoes without sing “The Shoe-Tying Song.”

Chantelle is probably tricking Alfie’s ass. She told him that the peck he gave her on the cheek made a baby. Alfie believed her ass when he saw a stork flying above her house. Just like in the books he just read!

If it is found that he is not the father, he can go back to living his pre-teen life collecting Yu-Gi-Oh cards, melting plastic army men with magnifying glasses and fiddling his piddler without the aid of a vagina. You know, normal toddler stuff.

Her boyfriend can honesty say that no, her ass does not look fat in that leotard. – PrincessSophie

Runners-up:

If you want to know what they are thinking… just follow them on titter.com – Lemon Fresh Scent

No hungry babies in Africa. – Smoody

This crazy bitch who had an epic breakdown sponsored by Christian Bale when she missed her flight at Hong Kong International Airport! You can’t blame her ass. Her luggage probably made the flight, but she didn’t. And think of all the elegant sweaters, like the one she’s wearing, that were in her luggage. Parting with that much elegance would make anyone psycho. And if she pulled this shit in the US, they would’ve calmed her down by hugging her with two taser guns!

Don’t laugh at her ass, because you probably have the same response when the bartender announces “last call.”

For Lauren