Let’s all welcome Milo Ventimiglia back into the world of reality, because he’s finally woken up from his troll-loving haze by splitting up with Hayden Panatroll. That’s what UsWeekly claims. Some source told them that 31-year-old Milo and 19-year-old Hayden ended their 1-year-old relationSHIT last week. The source went on to say, “It was a lifestyle conflict. They were in very different places. Hayden is young. She likes to go out in the Hollywood scene and that’s not his style.”

At least we can finally remove the PedoBear-approved stamp from Milo’s taint. I don’t even know what he saw in that sausage troll to begin with. She’s like Gary Coleman to me. Bitch is going to be like 40, looking like a little 13-year-old. That will never be hot. If I was a hostess at a restaurant and Hayden walked in, I’d immediately grab a high chair for her little ass. That has to kill the romantic mood of her dates. You know, she’s not even THAT short. She’s like 5″, but still looks like she can easily fit in a hot dog bun. Strange.

If Milo wants a midgelet, he should get with one that will take it like a big bitch. I’m talking about La Pequena, of course. And now that Hayden is free, she can go marry a whale or whatever.

And “lifestyle conflict” means she wouldn’t do it in the butt, right?

Whoever came up with the cheese challenge in Switzerland on last night’s Amazing Race deserves a lapdance from hillbilly hotness Linda for a job well done, because that shit was gold. Cheese covered gold that is.

The teams had to climb up some hill in Switzerland and bring down heavy blocks of cheese. Almost every single ho busted their ass or dropped their block of cheese causing it to roll down the hill. The latter caused gay pepaw Mel White, whose son and teammate is Mike White, to say, “Don’t let the cheese hit me!” This is what I say whenever I come face to cheese with a dirty peen. Seriously, there was cheese flying all over that hill! It’s like Joaquin Phoenix pulled down his pants and did the dick slappy dance.

This shit really needs to be an Olympic sport. Watching bitches eat grass while carrying loads of cheese is my new favorite pastime.

And Luke is my no-no’s pick of the week. I want to whisper sweet nothings into his peen hole. No, I wasn’t going to say ear! I’m not that fucking insensitive.

I was trying to do figure out what to do this President’s Day and now I’ve found my answer. I’m going to plug my nose and try to down a McNuggetini in one gulp. I mean, it’s a full meal in one glass: McDonald’s chocolate milkshake and vanilla vodka, rimmed with BBQ sauce (sounds sexy) and finished off with a McNugget. Actually, this is like three meals in one! Think of it as the only protein shake you’ll ever need. You know what’s it’s missing though? A huge dollop of chicken ice cream on top!

And the McNuggetini probably looks and tastes the same way going out as it does going in. That way you can enjoy it again and again and again. It’s a Recycletini too! Just make sure you don’t eat corn in between the barfing.

Click here for the recipe. And I take no responsibility if your stomach falls out through your ass after drinking this. Just put your stomach on ice, shake it off and call the free clinic.

VIA This Is Why You’re Fat

Birthday: Helen Thomas
Age: 89
Birth Name: August 4, 1920

Original Date of HS of the Day: February 12, 2009
Claim to Fame: The journalist and all journalists! Homegirl has too many accomplishments to list here, so go to her Wiki page for those facts, or better yet, watch her HBO documentary Thank You, Mr. President. That’s where I fell in love with this bitch.

Where is she now? Kicking ass and taking names.

Why is he HS of the Week? Because I fucking love an old bitch who doesn’t mess around. A bitch who will take off her dentures, put on her chunkiest jewelry and fuck you up if the situation calls for it.

After watching the documentary on Helen, I searched for more info on her and found this clip from 2006. I truly believe no special effects were used. Helen has powers. She is not the one!

Sheriff Leon Lott of Columbia, SC has finally taken the stick out of his ass and smoked it up, because bitch is chilling out with the whole Michael Phelps investigation. Sheriff Lott said in a press conference this afternoon that he won’t file any charges against the God of the Sea based on that picture of him taking a bong hit. Sheriff Lott said, “Having thoroughly investigated this matter, we do not believe we have enough evidence to prosecute anyone that was present at the November party.”

Sheriff Lott should change him name to Sheriff Obvious. Fucking duh. I bet this ho and his gang of morons just used this shit to get a hold of as much weed as they can for themselves. That’s why police officers love donuts so much! No judgments here.

But seriously, the stoners of the world should unite and form their own investigation to find the twatty who sold the pictures of Phelpsie blowing a bong to The News of the World. That traitor must pay! Punishment: a lifetime without the green. That’s basically a lifetime of sadness.

Little Gays of Thunder – Lainey Gossip

The sky is falling over Austin – Towleroad

Aubrey O’Day’s mother must be so proud of her. No, she really is, because she went to her big slut party! – Hollywood Rag

Jessica Simpson’s fat vein balls – Hollywood Tuna

Fuggie Fug and Josh Duhamel laying on some mattress in the yard – Popsugar

One of the unicorns from Robert Pattinson’s magical forest somehow wandered onto Peaches Geldof’s body and it doesn’t look happy about it (NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Joe Jonas and Camila Belle definitely share clothes. It’s real love – Just Jared

Suge Knight got a beat down encore – Rhymes With Snitch

Naomi Watts is nekkid – Egotastic!

Stoned celebwhores (not what you think) – Cityrag