Hurricane Del Toro’s destruction on American Idol has come to an end….for now. You can put the ear plugs and punching bag away for now, but I have a feeling this ho has not finished with us. Wild card, anyone? Even though Tatiana makes my finger nails fall off, she’s really the only one that makes me feel anything. The others are like a plate of soggy pancakes with no syrup. Boring as fuck, but if it’s front of me, I’ll slap my nalgas with it.

Last night, the third top 12 spot was between Tatiana and Robert Downey Gokey. The dude is a widower, so we know how this was going to play out. When Gaycrest announced that RDG was going on, I was hoping Tatiana would explode like a pinata filled with meth at Amy Wino’s birthday party. She didn’t. Instead, Tatiana slowly melted like she was playing Blanche in a community theater production of A Streetcar Named Desire. And the camera kept panning to her melodramatic ass while Gokey performed. I don’t know what was worse? Tatiana’s “power bottom without his dildo” pout or Gokey’s shirt and glasses! Seriously, that man needs a gay in his life. Summer’s Eve definitely made that t-shirt and glasses. That shit made my own clothes all wrinkly, because they felt weepy after seeing his mess! That outfit was made to be worn while doing body shots off some skeezer in a NJ bar. It was not meant to be seen by millions of people.

The other two hos who got the first top 12 spots were Jane Mancini and that roughneck dude or whatever the hell his name is. I already forgot and I’m not going to stress out my half-brain cell by trying to remember it.

After Tati was throw into the gutter, I love how the bitches around her weren’t even trying to give her a real hug. They were hugging her the way I hug my extended family. It’s an “I’m only doing this because people are watching” kind of hug. And the side-eyes! They fucking want to rip off that Paula Abdul 50-cent ring off Tati’s finger and poke her eyes out. They HATE her.

Not content with just animal fur eyelashes, JLo now harvests them on human heads. – moistiest

Runners-up:

Combover: “I quit this bitch.” – Sweetas

What you can’t see in the front, is the sign hanging from his neck: FREE NECKSTACHE RIDES – WTFOMGLOL

Friends don’t let friends Drink and FlowBee. – LOVE ANDERSON

Source

Natalie West – Crystal from Roseanne – All this talk about Roseanne lately got me thinking about the extremely hot Crystal who was always my favorite bitch on the show. Nowadays, bitch really isn’t up to shit! She did a couple of movies, but really hasn’t been on the radar. I picture her working at a truck stop gas station for some reason. Viva Crystal!

Beth Ditto (28)
Haylie Duff (24)
Arielle Kebbel (24)
Gideon Yago (31)
Sunset Thomas (37)
Benicio Del Toro (42)
Justine Bateman (43)
Seal (46)
Jessica Tuck (46)
Helen Fielding (51)
Ray Winstone (52)
Jeff Daniels (54)
Michael Nader (64)
Smokey Robinson (69)

The season finale of The Really Plastic Housewives of Orange County turned out to be a reunion of all the past whores. Two bitches whose names I have already forgotten showed up at the final party as did Jo. Jo was the trick who moved to Los Angeles and got her own Bravo reality show with Slade which tanked. Jo is now pursuing a music career. If that shit doesn’t work out, she should move to Thailand to become a ladyboy. Who told her those bangs were a good idea? Most of the time, bangs like that make you look like you have a dick.

Speaking of dicks, Slade showed up wearing slacks with white flip-flops. This prompted Miss Manners aka Tamra to say, “He looks like a homo.” She had a point, but bitch was also standing next to her husband who was wearing a shiny fuchsia shirt! You know she picked that mess out, too so who is she calling a butt fucker?

The rest of the party played out like The Price is Right. I know this was shot before the country’s money caught on fire, but still! It was fucking ridiculous. Each housewife one after the other kept showing off their new crap. I felt like I had to guess the cost of each gift before the price was revealed to me. When the camera panned to Lynne’s fake titty balls, I expected the words “still making payments” to pop on the screen.

Anyway, Tamra’s husband bought her some $35,000 diamond bracelet and gave it to her at the party. You know that shit just came off layaway from the Jewelry Exchange in Tustin. $35,000 my ass! It’s not like Tamra would know the difference and her husband knows it.

Next up was Droopy Vicki who proudly showed off the Rolex she bought. She made sure every ho at the party knew that she bought it herself! That way everyone knows her husband can’t fill her “love tank” or even buy her a measly Rolex. I hope that shit turns her wrist green.

Lynne didn’t get anything. I was hoping someone would buy her a clue and maybe some moisturizer. But that didn’t happen.

Finally, Gretchen’s sugar papa je’e couldn’t make the fun and games, because he was too sick. In his absence, he had a red Harley set up in the parking lot as a surprise gift for Gretchen.

Gretchen did her usual gold digger scream when they unveiled the gift to her and then asked the other whores to come see her gift. Tamra and Vicki weren’t having that shit. Vicki thought it was stupid how Gretchen is such a spotlight whore. Vicki wasn’t even charmed when Gretchen got all the girls a Coach wallet (that she probably bought from the trunk of a car in an alley way). Vicki chirped that she didn’t get the e-mail that they all had to bring gifts! We know Vicki hates HATES Gretchen. Why does she have to keep reminding us? Even if Gretchen wet queefed a laptop computer with unlimited battery power and universal internet access, Vicki would still want to kick her in the bagina bone.

Below is a clip of the whole Harley drama. Tamra even says that she doubts Gretchen and her sugar dude are a real couple and that he’s probably just paying her to look after his sick ass. Well, a week after the party, sugar daddy Jeff passed away. Does this mean next season is going to feature a court battle between Gretchen and Jeff’s kids? Or maybe Gretchen will shack up with homo Slade (if the rumors are true). All I know is that I hope the truth is revealed about Lynne next season. The truth being that she’s really Steven Tyler.

The Pet Shop Boys closed the Brit Awards tonight with a medley of their songs and everything was going hot. There were giant talking heads on the screen and Chris Lowe restyled Brit Brit’s infamous pink wig and wore it. Pretty perfect. Then a nose monster came out of the shadows to destroy everything! Lady CaCa looked like she belonged on the clearance shelf at Big Lots. I just want to stick some fake flowers in her mouth and set her on my coffee table. Bitch definitely got this shit from the reject rack at the Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead fashion show.

Brandon Flowers also made a cameo and his voice would have sounded a lot better if he sang into my no-no instead of that mic.

Here’s some pictures of their rehearsal earlier today. That outfit, right? Porcelain vase gone WRONG.