Every year, the Razzie Awards dishonor the biggest shit shows in film and not surprisingly, Parasite Hilton swept that mess along with Mike Myers. Parasite was named Worst Actress for Hottie & the Nottie, Supporting Actress for Repo and Screen Couple (with Christine Lakin or Joel David Moore) for Hottie. Mike Meyers’ The Love Guru got Worst Picture, Worst Actor and Worst Screenplay.

Pierce Brosnan’s dying bear warble in Mamma Mia! got him Worst Supporting Actor. Unfortunately, none of those whores were on hand to accept their awards. FUN HATERS. Here’s the entire list of losers:

Worst Picture: The Love Guru

Worst Actor: Mike Myers – The Love Guru

Worst Actress: Wonky – The Hottie and the Nottie

Worst Supporting Actress: Wonky – Repo: The Genetic Opera

Worst Supporting Actor: Pierce Brosnan – Mamma Mia!

Worst Screen Couple: Paris Hilton and either Christine Lakin or Joel David Moore – The Hottie and the Nottie

Worst Prequel,Remake, Rip-off or Sequel: (Combined Category for 2008): Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull

Worst Director: Uwe Boll – 1968: Tunnel Rats, In The Name of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, and Postal

Worst Screenplay: The Love Guru – Written by Mike Myers & Graham Gordy

Worst Career Achievement: Uwe Boll

At this point, can we just officially name Parasite as The Worst Piece of Trash Who Ever Lived and stop giving her any kind of awards? We already know she’s god fucking awful in the worst kind of way, so that goes without saying. Give a Razzie to a real bitch who deserves that shit. Although, the Razzie trophy will totally go with Wonky’s shiny herp dingles.

Mickey Rourke’s acceptance speech at yesterday’s Independent Spirit Awards was made of gold. The speech sparkled more than his silver bullet toof! This is exactly why he needs to win the Oscar tonight. If this is the kind of shit he delivered at the Spirit Awards, I can’t even imagine what fuck word covered gems will fall out of his mouth tonight.

Of course, Mickey dedicated the award to his beloved Loki who might not have been watching form heaven since I don’t know if they get IFC in heaven. Mickey also wore a little locket with Loki’s precious face on it. The Milo & Otis of our time: Mickey & Loki.

During the rest of his fuck bomb-filled speech, Mickey made a plea to Hollywood to give the amazing Eric Roberts a fucking job. Mickey also thanked the girl he calls “Gap Tooth” and said “Melissa-Marisa Tomei” can climb the pole and did it well. Seriously, this is how a bitch gives an acceptance speech. Every whore in Hollywood from here on out needs to watch this shit so they know how it’s done.

Why can’t Mickey accept every damn award at the Oscars tonight? Shit, he should host and present every award too. Just change it to The Mickey Rourke Show. I could probably even watch it sober! Okay, probably not. Mickey’s speech is below:

It looks like Kim Zolciak’s website fell off the damn tightrope. If you put your ear to the window, you can hear NeNe screaming, “Now who is the low budget bitch?!” Seriously, Bravo needs to officially change the title to The Really Broke Houswives of Atlanta, because these hos can’t pay their bills!

I mean, couldn’t Kim shake out her kitchen ass wig. There has to be a few confederate coins, Jimmy Hoffa’s wallet and the master key to DeShawn’s lock jaw hiding up in there. Some of that shit has to be worth something. And if it’s not, it’s time for her road kill wig to stop laying around and get a damn job! Kim’s mangy dog wig can star in a remake of Benji.

That was fast. Joel Madden wrote on Good Charlotte’s website that Sad Clown Baby is going to be a big sister! And this means Nicole Richie is going to get so fucking fat! And by “so fucking fat,” I mean more than 75lbs. Lard Ass Richie! Here’s what Joel wrote:

What’s better than winning an Oscar? I am so happy to tell everyone that Harlow is going to be a big sister! God has truly blessed my family. Hope your all feeling as good as i am right now………

Better than an Oscar? Let me see. Oscars are gold-plated and shiny. They don’t accidentally (or purposely) go pee times in your face. They don’t interrupt your beauty sleep in the middle of the damn night with their moaning. And they don’t squirt out poopy pea soup. Yeah, waaaay better.

Jade Goody married Jack Tweed this morning in Essex, England. Her publicist said it was a ceremony filled with tears, smiles and laughter. I wonder if it was a ceremony filled with booze, because I would’ve needed plenty of the hard stuff to get through it.

You may or may not be familiar with the tale of Jade Goody. For those of you that aren’t, let me just bust out the story for you really quick. So….27-year-old Jade became an overnight reality star in the UK when she was on Big Brother in 2002. After she left BB, she got her own reality show and also put out a line of products and shit. In 2007, she starred in Celebrity Big Brother with her boyfriend Jack Tweedy. The caca hit the ceiling fan when Jade made some racist remarks towards housemate Shilpa Shetty. Jade later apologized and said she was disgusted with herself. A year later, Jade went on the Indian version of Big Brother called Bigg Boss. Two days into shooting, Jade learned she had Cervical Cancer while on the phone with her doctors. The whole thing was on camera, but it never aired. Jade immediately quit the show and flew back home for treatment. Earlier this month, Jade’s publicist said her cancer had spread and doctors told her she only had a few weeks to a few months to live. And here we are now….

Jade decided that she wanted to get married right away and also document the last days of her life on a reality TV show. She also sold the rights to their wedding photos to OK! Magazine of hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Jade said she made that decision because she needs to make as much money as possible for her two young sons before she goes away. It might not make sense to everyone, but it makes sense to me. This is Jade’s job. This is how she makes money. And instead of letting the sads completely take over, she’s doing what she’s got to do for her kid’s futures.

Here’s some pictures of Jade outside her home yesterday getting ready for the big day with her bridesmaids.

Melissa Leo – Today is OSCAH day and this right here is the bitch who should take home that golden trophy shit for Best Actress. Eff all those other hos (no offense, Meryl). Melissa played trailer trash to utter perfection in Frozen River. I would hop in the trunk of a car for her any day.

Melissa won lead female ho at the Independent Spirit Awards yesterday! Here’s her ass at the ceremony yesterday.