Madonna was without child at last night’s Vanity Fair Oscar party. It was rumored that Vadge would use the party as her official coming out with Jesus. That didn’t happen. Vadge came solo.

Maybe they were canoodling earlier and Jesus forgot the safe word, so he blacked out. Seriously, if Vadge hugged me, I think every bone in my body would quit that bitch. That roid-sponsored bicep could poke a damn head off. Dudes have to wrap their dicks in armor when she gives them a handjob.

I think that when Jesus blacked out, Vadge took some skin from his baby ass and pasted it over her face. The old hag’s mug looks as smooth as Baby Jesus’ nalgas. And for the sake of humanity and working eyeballs, I hope she stayed away from floor lights in that dress.

Scientists from around the world will be taking a break from finding the cure for cancer and other stuff, so that they can devote all their time to studying the clip from last night’s Oscars of Jennifer Aniston and St. Angie’s showdown! Okay, maybe scientists won’t be studying this mess, but you know every entertainment show and celebrity will bring in “body language” experts to dissect this from top to bottom.

Jenny presented Best Cartoon Movie with Jack Black and the camera panned to Brangie twice. St. Angie came prepared, because she had her game face on. Her fake ass smile said “awwwww,” but her eyes said, “Fail, bitch. Fail!” Jenny was up there like a lamb brought to slaughter. She should have hot boxed in the parking lot, because bitch was like OctoMom without her IVF fix.

And it’s not in the clip above, but when Aniston opened the envelope, she murdered that thing. I almost thought she was going to throw it on the ground and start stomping on it while screaming, “You are so uncool! Uncool you are!” You know whose smug mug Jenny was picturing on that envelope.

Here’s some pictures of them last night. Did Ring Pop make St. Angie’s jewelry? That shit looks like it’s melon flavor.

say when. say when. say when. say when. say when. c’mon. say when. say when. DAMMIT SAY WHEN! – justinm7

Runners-up:

And these are the two unlucky bastards who get to clean Paris Hilton’s GOGIRL… – PrincessSophie

THIS IS SOME BEN-N-JERRYS BUTTONS SHIT!!! – WTFOMGLOL

No one wanted the details or the visual of mickey rourke’s hemorrhoid surgery. – risquetrix

Sophia Loren – This bitch made my Oscar night. When she put her hand on her hip when presenting Best Actress, my ass cherry grew back and then popped again. Sophia was a mess in a totally hot way. This morning, I looked at pictures of Sophia Loren and fell in love again. The eyebrows, the eyeliner, the lipliner, the hair, the everything! I think Korbel and Andre did her hair and make-up. This is the old clown hooker look done right! Not to mention that the chichis are in check. And her slutty Belle from Beauty and the Beast dress is also doing things to me.

Niecy Nash (39)
Dakota Fanning (15)
Emily Blunt (26)
Kelly MacDonald (33)
Neal McDonough (43)
Veronica Webb (44)
Kristin Davis (44)
Howard Jones (54)
Patricia Richardson (58)
Peter Fonda (69)
Majel Barrett (77)

I hope you’re fucking drunk or getting there, because it’s time for this mess of a show called the OSCAHS. And if you’re sober, then you probably already passed out from looking at Lisa Rinna’s picture. If you blacked out, don’t walk towards the light! Don’t let The Rinna do you in! But seriously, Ursula the sea witch wants her hair back and I think Mickey Rourke’s old roids have set up a new home on her face. Anyway, my drunk ass liveblog below: