Cojo was the belle of the ball last night! Or maybe he was the ball of the belle? BOTH! You know, during my drunk blogging rant last night, I said that the theme of the Oscars was anal beads. And look what is hanging between precious Cojo’s voluptuous chichis: anal beads by Chanel! By the end of the night, those Chanel beady beads were having a prostate party in Cujo’s culo. When he pulled them out, they were the colors of the rainbow. I’m pretty sure that’s how Skittles are made.

Matthew McConaughey must be a fan of Nip/Tuck, because it looks like he was inspired by the auto-sucking episode.

Matthew was on the beach in Rio trying to give his peen friend a little tongue kiss. He would say he was just “stretching,” but you know what he was up to. He just needed to get just a little bit closer and he easily could have slid his tongue right in between those dick lips and said “hello.” Matthew just needs to get a fat friend to sit on his back and he’ll get it. Besides, sucking his own dick is probably easier than jacking himself off. Those little T-Rex arms must have a hard time stretching all the way down there.

We’ve all tried to licky our own dicky. Don’t lie. I stopped trying, because whenever I did go for it, I’d have the sudden urge to do pee times. And auto-golden-showers is not a sport I want to play.

Anne Hathaway said IT. And she said it last night to Babwa Wawa. Anne using the dreaded OTM didn’t surprise me, because earlier in the interview she said coke was never a “horse she got on.” So bitch is a fan of old timey talk. That’s the way the theater fags talked in high school and I bet Anne was one of those. The type who do their “rubber baby buggy bumper” exercises in the hallways and said shit like “cheese and crackers” instead of Jesus Christ! We never would have been friends.

And I seriously slapped my monitor when that OTM mess came out of her mouth. It’s at the 7:35 mark in the video above. Anne Hathaway is now on notice. And to think that I thought she had one of the hottest dress of the night. Not any fucking more. I want to throw her and that dress under the moon.

Some of the hot moment from last night including Phillipe Petit giving Oscar some head (or is it the other way around?) – Gawker

Jessica Biel’s fugly ass is making the roses run for cover – ICYDK

Barbara Eden looks younger than any of the Lohans – SOW

I’m surprised Mel Gibson doesn’t keep his Oscars up his ass – Celebitchy

Heather Graham kept it green by wearing a recycled costume from Boogie Nights – Popoholic

Simon Cowell’s heart is already made of black ice, but he wants to freeze his whole body too when he kicks it – Socialite Life

The court room should be cleared of water carafes when Heather Mills steps in – Holy Moly!

Josh Kelley is a mega lie-teller – I’m Not Obsessed

Sporty Spice (aka Dyke Spice) let out one of those baby creatures yesterday in London. THE BABY EPIDEMIC IS NOT SLOWING DOWN! You might be laughing now, but you won’t be when you’re drowning in a river of baby ass vomit. Trust this.

Anyway, this is Sporty’s first kid. The daddy is her jizz lender of six years Thomas Starr. Sporty announced the news on her website:

Melanie C gave birth to a beautiful little girl at 4:10 pm on Sunday 22nd February. The baby weighed 8lb 3oz. Both Mum and baby, named Scarlet Starr, are doing fine.

Scarlet Starr sounds like a character in a Jackie Collins book. Or the name of a top shelf stripper who is always covered in body glitter and smells like Pantene. Hey, at least I said top shelf stripper!

I don’t even know how the Oscars could go on last night without the premiere seat filler in Hollywood bringing the poultry glamour to the audience? International supermodel and silver screen sensation Phoebe Price was not there! I’m not out of line when I say that they should have canceled the whole thing. The statues just weren’t as sparkly or shiny, because PP was not holding it down in the audience. I blame St. Angie for this. That chicken hater knew she could not compete with PP’s elegance and sophistication, so she got her fired. And Angie was afraid PP would steal her man. Men just can’t refuse a firm pair of greasy cutlets. No, they can’t.

Instead of gracing the Oscars, PP attended Popeye’s Oscar party and cookout in Van Nuys. No, she went to JLove’s Oscar party at the Abbey in West Hollywood. PP brought her mama je’e, Flora. They have matching organic cutlets! PP also brought out her raw chicken breasts out too! The Oscar bitches are fools! They could have had all of this.