Paula Deen, the clogged artery of my heart (and that’s a compliment), was keeping it sexy at the Miami Food & Wine Festival yesterday when her nalgas decided to come out and play while she was walking off the stage. I figured Paula Deen is a Red Vines g-string kind of bitch, but she was wearing some flesh-colored granny panties instead. I’m also surprised a stick of butter didn’t fall out of her ass. Seriously, you know she can churn butter up in there.

This past Friday, The Soup named Stains as Entertainer of the Year! And rightfully so! If Stains could talk, he’d tell you he knew this was coming, because his Alice Cooper crystal eyeballs can see into the future!

Joel McHale honored Stains with a platter of delicious cupcakes. They were just like the ones that dance around his eyes day and night. Okay, they weren’t exactly the same. Joel gave him doggy ones instead which is like eating a spoonful of wet flour. I’ve tried. The bong made me do it.

But Stains doesn’t seem to mind. When I stare into his Magic 8 Ball eyes, I also see the future and the future is STAINS! Stains for king of everything!

Draw a picture of a little hangman figure using a ball point pen and stick that shit next to Posh. This praying mantis alien probably makes your stick figure look like Jessica Simpson in diaper jeans after a chili cook-out. This bitch right here looks like my pinky’s shadow!

I mean, damn! At least she’ll never get locked out of anywhere, because bitch can slip under door cracks and shit. Although, one day Posh is going to walk into her shower and accidentally slip down the damn drain.

I would say this is some Morticia Addams shit, but the sleeve of Morticia’s dress is even too big for this spork creature.

Here’s Posh making Dita Von Teese, Eva Longwhoria and Kate Beckinsale looks like three fatty fatty bo batties at Elton John’s Oscar party last night. Hopefully, Posh at least smelled some food so she can gain a calorie or two.

Vadge’s sascrotch fur is slowly migrating to her face (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Crack whore on the cover of FHM – Hollywood Tuna

Just because: Johnny Depp – Popsugar

The Oscar ratings would’ve been even higher if Hugh Jackman did the dick slappy dance – Just Jared

Rose McGowan is a wreck – Hollywood Rag

A million and one Oscar red carpet pictures – Egotastic!

In case you already didn’t know, Dolly Parton is a gift – Towleroad

Alicia Keys’ bootleg Disney princess wig fucked her up – Lainey Gossip

Sharon Stone did this on purpose – Cityrag

Nicky Hilton getting pushed down + IHOP + A Citzen’s Arrest + A transient = A fucking amazing story worth a standing ovation and a dick slap. Seriously, I want to get my lazy ass out of my chair and clappity clap for this hotness. I just wish Vivica Fox and her SLYCIC friends told us this would happen beforehand, so that we could set up seats, order a Rooty Tooty and cheer on the transient!

TMZ says that for some reason (*cough*coke pick-up*cough*) Nicky Hilton was outside of IHOP in West Hollywood at 5am when she got into an altercation with a “transient.” The country’s newest hero then pushed Nicky to the ground.

Surprisingly, Nicky’s bony ass didn’t break into a million pieces. Nicky got up and then pulled a citizen’s arrest on his ass. The police showed up and the transient was arrested.

The only way this story could get hotter is if the transient turned out to be Dollhouse Dude. But I’m pretty sure the transient was a skinny baby or a scrappy kitten, because you have to be one weak ho to get arrested by Nicky Hilton. All you gotta do is clap your hands and the sound vibrations will send that bitch flying.

And I’m so fucking mad that Nicky Hilton got to scream “CITIZEN’S ARREST! CITIZEN’S ARREST!” That shit was wasted on that skank.

Where was a fisherman with a big ass net when you needed him?! Ariel is not amused with last night’s invasion of mermaid dresses at the Oscars. Beyonce, Melissa George, Marisa Tomei, Monica Cruz, Zac Efron’s beard and Diane Lane all wore variations of that shit. I feel like they all needed to be wheeled in on a fake rock. This is Under the Sea shit gone wrong.

These dumb bitches were just asking for an evil whore to trip their sausage-looking asses. They would’ve come back up with their bare asses hanging out, because a dress like that was not meant to bend over in. I know. How the hell are they supposed to get in some quickie dick time in the bathroom? These are not fun time dresses.

Beyonce doubled the fug with that material. Bitch really looks like she fell into the curtains at the Imperial Palace in Las Vegas and then called it a fucking day.