Conversations With A Cokey

/ February 24, 2009

This little interview of Blohan on Oscar night reminds me of conversations I’ve had with bitches riding high on the Colombia Express. Seriously, I’m waiting for Candy Finnigan from Intervention to pop up in the back with a plane ticket. Bitch has got the white shit jitters.

Blohan talked to E! about all the EXCITING projects she’s working on (aka all the stupid ideas she came up with while holding a meeting around a mirror on a coffee table). Blohan is working on a spray tan for Sephora and a diamond line. That diamond she’s wearing is made out of coke, right? Just cut and snort. It’s kind of genius. And her spray tan is also going to be mixed with computer duster so you can really look like you have walked on sunshine. Also genius.

Blohan also showed off her matching “shhhh…” tattoo she got on her finger with Lily Allen. She said it’s a “female empowerment thing.” No. it’s a “dumb fuck cokehead thing.

And here’s some “Feed the Junkie” photos of Blohan taken by Hedi Slimane. This skeezy ass photo shoot looks like it was payment for an 8-ball. Candy Finnigan, please come get this skank!

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The Virgin Got Married!

/ February 24, 2009

Victoria’s Secret model and the “world’s most voluptuous virgin” (by GQ), Adriana Lima, eloped with NBA player Marko Jaric on Valentine’s Day in Jackson Hole (heh), Wyoming. Adriana and Marko have NOT been sexing it up with each other since 2006.

Adriana claimed last year or so that she was still a virgin, but this chick dated Lenny Kravitz. Even if he didn’t stick it in, Lenny can melt cherries just by touch. So if she even hugged Lenny, the ho ain’t a virgin anymore. This is a scientific fact. There was a special on the Discovery Channel about it or something.

Adriana announced the news on her MySpace and also addressed the rumors that she might be knocked up:

By this point, some people know about my big news! Yes, I like to keep my life personal but I did become married on Valentine Day to the love of my life. I am SO happy inside and I want to spread my love!

The marriage was very small and not most friends and family could attend because it was a quick decision. Luckily, we will be having another wedding this summer that will be a bigger event!

We have not decided where it will be because my family is in Brasil and Marko is from Serbia. It will be great no matter where!

And finally, there are rumors of me pregnant. I just cannot say.. YET!

Happy on the inside and wants to spread her love? SLUT! Bitch is totally knocked up. I don’t blame her ass. Look at that hot piece. Yes, ole boy is a little crossy in the eyeball area, but he looks like he has prime long peen. That’s what my peendar says anyway. The only problem is that he probably has trouble finding the hole, because his wonk eyes keep directing him in different directions. One eye tells him to go east and the other tells him to go west. If Adriana stays on top that shit is probably good.

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The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For February 23rd!

/ February 24, 2009

In this picture, there are hidden:
one busted-ass weave
half a roach
one Waylon Jennings 8-track
two half drunk Natty Lights
Joaquin Phoenix’s career
Loki
Can you find them ? – WTFOMGLOL

Runners-up:

she best get in and drive as fast as she can; at the stoke of 12 the spell will be broken, and it will turn back into the shopping cart it once was. – thebigonetwo

Future “Hot Slut of the Day” contestants pile into the old Ford and head to auditions. Hopefuls include: Blood-Stained Mattress, Old Red Washtub, Broken Pet Carrier, Dead Palm Frond, and Prison Issue Pants. Eat your heart out, Spaghetti Cat! – Perky

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

/ February 24, 2009

Clara from Great Depression Cooking with Clara! – 93-years-old Clara is the star of her own YouTube series where she teaches us recipes from the Great Depression. Clara makes everything from cooked bread, pasta with peas, depression breakfast and poorman’s meal (below). Some of us might to memorize this shit, so pay attention. But seriously, some of these meals are healthier than what I fucking eat now. Okay, all of them are.

(For Mike)

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Birthday Sluts

/ February 24, 2009

Billy Zane (43)
Lleyton Hewitt (28)
Chad Hugo (35)
Bonnie Somerville (35)
Todd Field (45)
Michelle Shocked (47)
Paula Zahn (53)
Steve Jobs (54)
Helen Shaver (58)
Debra Jo Rupp (58)
Edward James Olmos (62)
Barry Bostwick (64)
Dominic Chianese (78)
Abe Vigoda (88)

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Oooooh, Brit Brit’s In Trouble!

/ February 23, 2009

Daddy Spears took out a restraining order against Landing Strip Galib and Sam Lutfi a little while ago, because he claims they were filling his little Cheetoling’s head with dirty, sucio, evil shit! They were all back in a Los Angeles court room this morning, because Daddy Spears wants the restraining order to last forever and all-time. That piece of gutter trash Sam is screaming that he’s never threatened, drugged, farted on or tried to cause any other kind of harm to Brit Brit and her family. Sam wants the restraining order to end now. Queef…queef…queef… Basically, the lie dingles were falling out of his mouth hole.

The judge extended the restraining order until Wednesday to give time for Daddy Spears to testify. That’s exactly what he started to do today. E! reports that Daddy testified the nanny overheard Brit Brit talking to Adnan and Sam really early in the morning on a cell phone. When Brit went to dance practice, her security team found the phone which was a prepaid Nokia. Brit admitted she got it when she was at the Peninsula Hotel one day.

Daddy went on to say that Brit is allowed a cell phone, but can’t use it all the time. They monitor that shit. You know she totally has a Firefly! On second thought, bitch has a Barbie Glitter Phone. Brit Brit says everyone on her phone is so nice and is always asking her what she’s going to wear to Ken’s big party! So fun.

Daddy Spears added that when he found the illegal phone with Sam’s number on it, “he felt like a threat. It felt like someone was trying to extort my daughter.”

The hearing will continue on Wednesday morning and a judge will determine then if the restraining order will get extended indefinitely.

How is Brit Brit getting caught talking on the phone?! I was a master at that shit when I was a kid and we didn’t have cell phones back then. Before my mom went to bed, I’d sneak into her room and unplug her phone. That way if she picked it up in the middle of the night, she wouldn’t hear me talking on it. Yeah, she’d investigate, but that would give me time to get rid of the evidence and pretend I was asleep! Then I would crawl into the closet (no comment from the whore gallery) and sound proof that shit with as many pillows as I could get a hold of. Then I’d cover myself in blankets and talk really softly. My ass never got caught!

Now Brit Brit is probably on phone restriction until the end of the summer! And Daddy Spears is pissed, so you better believe he’s not going to make her his special cheese grits with VELVEETA anymore.

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