The only thing CHERYL BURKE should be on the cover of is a barf bag to help you along. Seriously, I was going to have a cup of Dinty Moore for an afternoon snack, but now I don’t have to. I just have to swallow the vom coming up my throat.

As you can unfortunately see, my arch rival is on the cover of this week’s TV Guide. There’s also a typo. It should read “old turd,” not “new ‘tude.”

Inside, CHERYL BURKE once again whines about how she was called a fat fuck by the media. Mop Head blamed her chunkiness on birth control pills, “I decided over the summer to stop taking birth control pills. I did it thinking that I was going to lose more weight for the season. But it actually did the opposite. It made me gain weight.”

How she is able to gain weight still boggles my brains. With the gallons of diarrhea that comes spewing out of her mouth, she should be as skinny as Posh Beckam’s clit. Mop Head needs to eat a tampon.

And she’s got a new man. He’s a model. He’s 21. He lives in NYC. His name is Maxwell Zagorski. He disgusts me. Humping a raggedy, dirty mop is not right. It’s wrong. It’s illegal in most states. Mops are for cleaning the bathroom floor, not for cleaning your genitals! SUCIONESS!

Here’s a few pictures of Mop Head and her latest victim. For the record, I would not hit anything that has been tainted by CHERYL BURKE. Okay, I would. I really have no shame.

I have finally realized why the judging room on RuPaul’s Drag Race looks so frosty! It’s because they beam them all up into heaven to shoot this part of the show. It seriously looks like a dream taking place on heaven’s clouds. And it pretty much is. My absolute favorite part of the entire show is the catwalk showdown (above). If I could curl up next to that segment forever, I would be happy.

Jenny Shimizu, the trollop who is most famous for slurping up St. Angie’s holy juices, was one of the guest judges and she too fell in love with my favorite Bebe Zahara Benet. Bebe makes me want to rob a Zales at gunpoint so I can drape her in fine jewels. If you ever had to run from the police, you’d want that bitch right along side you. Hopefully, in that outfit.

And I’d really wish Shannel would cover up that ass already! Bitch, we get it! You’ve got an ass that makes the Kardashians fart bubbly tears of jealousy. Now cover it up, put on a pantsuit and go sell some Huggable Hangers on HSN. Seriously, Shannel belongs on HSN. I see two words in her near future: FLEX PAY.

After the catwalk showdown, Ru announced the winner of the challenge. The challenge was to make a MAC Viva Glam commercial. In case you don’t know, the proceeds of all Viva Glam products go into an HIV/AIDS fund. Ongina ended up winning the challenge for her “Celebrate Life” campaign. Ongina broke down and started crying. Just when I was about to shout, “Bitch, get it together,” she revealed that she’s been living with HIV for the past two years. She didn’t want to say anything, because her family doesn’t even know. Ongina went to say, “You have to celebrate life.” And then I was the bitch who needed to get it together. I’ll fucking admit it! Clip below:

Color me fucking surprised, Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox’s fartytale engagement has come to end. You know, the color “surprised” can be achieved by getting a dick slapping from Brian. So, color me! Color my face! Color it!

Anyway, UsWeekly says that David Silver is now single after 4 years. Some source type said,”The relationship had run its course. It’s completely amicable, and they are remaining friends.”

Every whore with half a brain cell knew this shit would happen sooner or sooner. There’s too many rumors about David being a major assholian. And I pretty much knew their fate when Megan said at the Golden Globes that David didn’t want to be her date. It was only a matter of seconds before she woke up from her dickmatized coma.

Besides, the only reason the gods brought them together was so that this image could be captured. Megan can now concentrate on becoming the next Meryl Streep and David Silver can prepare for his inevitable appearance on Confessions of a Teen Idol 2.

And Sienna Miller better have the twatty wart known as Balthazar Getty burned off STAT, because Megan Fox is going to give her some competition as one of the biggest sluts in Hollywood. Sienna has to set up her game. Now that Megan is on the loose, she’s going to eff everyone from Mickey Rourke to Mickey Rooney.

This is the closest Hugh Jackman has come to a bare female nipple in a long ass time – Egotastic!

Even Robert Pattinson’s sparkliness can’t save him from Wonky’s infection – Lainey Gossip

Kate Winslet will never let go of her Oscar – Just Jared

David Beckham can’t get it up, claims some Chinese company – Towleroad

Katie Holmes: same spent face, different day – Popsugar

Amanda Bynes should cover her face too – Hollywood Tuna

Tinted Windows must be stopped. The world does need another Jonas Brothers – Idolator

Kim Kardassian pretends to work out (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Matthew McConaughey should take some Vaseline from his ass and put it on his toes – Hollywood Rag

Potential bongs are everywhere – Cityrag

When Solange passed the fuck out at LAX last week from too much DRANK, exhaustion or whatever, I prayed to the basement gods (who live on the first floor) that everything was alright. I can breathe now that I’ve seen this picture from the tragic incident. Basement Baby looks like she’s just taking a drunk nap. Or maybe she’s just putting her ear to the floor so that the basement voices’ can lullaby her to sleep.

This shit also makes me think about how many pictures are out there of me passed out in the middle of the sidewalk, club, church parking lot, park bathroom, bath house, etc. like this. Bitches always got to try and be funny with their camera phones.

It’s Fat Fuck Tuesday, so it’s only fitting that the current King of the Krewe of Bacchus, Val Kilmer, host this bitch. Yes, Val Kilmer’s mouth looks like it fell on a table filled with delicious pies. Bitch still wants you to light his fire so he can make some delicious s’mores! Okay, okay. You get it.

Val rode in the Krewe of Bacchus Parade in New Orleans yesterday and my stomach is thankful that someone put some silky panties over his crotch. They knew a panty-free upskirt would destroy retinas. The soul is not prepared or Val’s 5,000 calorie beef stick.

And I really think Val and Cojo should make butt babies together so that they can preserve their species.

Happy Mardi Gras, whores!