American Idol: Ring Of WTF

/ March 18, 2009

Why didn’t Johnny Cash appear in a ring of fire to punch Adam Lambert in the mouth and then burn that “Mad Max gone wrong” jacket over his body?! Adam’s performance of “Ring of Fire” made my ring of fire (I’m putting cream on it) throb in pain. Bitch gets an A+ in trytoohardy, but if you weren’t smoking some of Paula Abdul’s secret recipe through a hookah, you were probably trying to figure out what the hell was going on up there. Paula was definitely the only ho who was on board with that shit. You would be too if a magic carpet appeared at your feet and flew you through Adam Lambert’s boyfriend’s sparkly sweater during that slaughter-filled performance.

It was like orgy music that will make your peen go limp. Speaking of, when Adam tried to bring on the sexy, I had to go to Bible.com, put my hand on the screen and pray that I never experience anything like that ever again. That being said, Adam needs to stay. Well, that glittery Shrek creature with Sonic the Hedgehog hair is at least making me feel something. The rest of those boring bores only make me crave oatmeal made with tap water.

The judges need to be put on a bus and sent to Insanity Town, because they were busting loads over the wrong whores. I mean, Danny Hokey?! That bitch needs to go back to the early 90s cartoon he came from. I’m so tired of him and his ten million glasses. And of course he sang “Jesus Take The Wheel.” Of fucking course. Danny is at the wheel and taking the fools for a ride! That’s some manipulative shit! I wouldn’t even buy it if Mah Boo Anderson Cooper wrapped it up and dangled it from his shiny peen. No. I would rather Anooooooooop win than Danny and that’s saying everything! Anoop is like a big GAP hoody to me. He’s comfortable to most, but I don’t want that shit anywhere near me! And he really does wear a lot of hoodies. I think he’s in cahoots with the hoody people.

As for my predictions. This is kind of hard since most of them brought the MEHS in heavy doses last night. But I’ll say Michael Sarver, Alexis Grace and Megan Joy Cokrey will find themselves holding hands and shit as the bottom 3. My guess is that Megan Joy DORKEY will be swept back under the rug. I keep waiting for her ass to get all angsty, but she keeps doing these hokey ass songs. Bitch needs to shit out the Hallmark Card already and bring on the ragey-ness I know she has inside of her.

And I think Paula’s added a few things to her secret tea last night, because the crazy was extra-babbly. She also needs to let Kara take a swig, because maybe that will loosen up her damn lock jaw. Seriously, I want to jump through the screen and pry that shit open with the jaws of life. Actually, I think it’s better if I pry it shut.

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Morning Wood

/ March 18, 2009

Eric Nies got all naked to save a drowning puppy! The puppy and Eric’s peensicle are doing fine – TMZ

Tea bagging the White House! – Buzzfeed

Dumb useless whore comments on dumb useless whoreCelebitchy

Replace “heart” with “dick” and then this makes sense – ICYDK

David Alan Grier is taking this way too seriously – SOW

The Paula Abdul trading card can also be used to cut up lines of the bad shit! – ICYDK

Instead of finding a worm at the bottom of Justin Timberlake’s tequila, you’ll find a dirty tampon – Socialite Life

Bob Dylan’s stank shit is blowin’ in the wind – Holy Moly!

Taylor Hicks is giving it away for free – OK! Magazine

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Sad Puppy News

/ March 18, 2009

Earlier this month, Oprah adopted two golden cocker spaniel puppies, Ivan and Sadie, from the PAWS Shelter in Chicago. Oprah showed off her new puppies on her show shortly after she brought them home. The blonde chick with the newscaster hair is holding Ivan and Oprah’s got Sadie.

Well, I have some sad puppy news, Ivan is now in heaven after he passed away over the weekend. Ivan had that evil doggy disease called PARVO. Sadie is still alive, but is very ill. Oprah has flown in a team of specialists from around the world to treat Sadie. Okay, I lied about the flying them in part, but I’m sure Oprah will not let the Parovirus fuck with her life again!

Oprah released this statement to the Chicago-Sun Times: “I’m saddened by his passing though we only had him for a weekend. I remain hopeful that Sadie will pull through.”

And in related news, the PAWS Animal Shelter of Chicago disappeared in a black cloud of smoke late last night.

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OctoCrazy Brings Home Two Babies

/ March 18, 2009

The blonde chick in the picture above says it all: “I went to junior college for this shit!?” Yes. Yes, you did.

Last night, the crazy circus in OctoMommy’s head re-imagined itself on her front lawn in La Habra, CA. That’s because for some fucked up reason, the hospital allowed her to bring two of her eight newborns home. Somehow the media and hundreds of people got the hint this was going to happen. Yeah, they must have figured it out thanks to the press release, the sky writing in the air and OctoCrazy running down the street screaming, “MY BABEHS ARE COMING HOME at 8:02pm pst, get a picture with them for $4.99.

Kaiser Permanente in Bellflower agreed to release Noah and Isaiah after checking OctoCrazy’s new house and making sure she had enough help to take care of them. They obviously didn’t check the house in her head!

The other six newborns are still in the hospital.

I wonder how hard it was getting Noah and Isaiah out of the hospital? They were probably grabbing on to furniture, holding on to the elevators and screaming for mercy as the Crazy Baby Lady dragged them out.

Here’s some video and a few pictures of all the madness. OctoCrazy’s fucked-up dreams are coming true! I haven’t seen an insane twinkle in the eye like that since Jack Nicholson in The Shining.

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LeAnn Rimes Might Be Cheating On Her Big Gay Husband

/ March 18, 2009

How do I liiiiive without youuuu?! The answer is: It’s pretty fucking easy when you have Eddie Cibrian’s peen to lick on.

In the new issue of UsWeekly, they claim LeAnn Rimes and the walking sex stick known as Eddie Cibrian are doing illegal sexy times with each other. The affair reportedly started shortly after they started working together on the Lifetime movie Northern Lights. UsWeekly got a hold of footage from a security camera of the two kissing at Mosun in Laguna Beach, CA. They also say that the two spent three-hours at a motel in Malibu on March 14th.

UsWeekly doesn’t fuck around! Joey Greco who?! The next time you plan to do some ho shit in public, UsWeekly might be watching your skank ass!

If this shit is true, then it might cause problems for both LeAnn and Eddie since both their asses are married. Eddie has a wife of 7 years and two young sons.

LeAnn Rimes got married to one of her backup dancers Dean Sheremet seven years ago when she was just 19. Her gaydar must have been in beta mode back then, because Dean’s gayface looks like it’s been dick slapped once, twice or a million times. This makes me think that LeAnn probably woke up one day, smelled the ass jelly and realized her husband likes to make out with peen lips. I’ve always speculated in my own head that the two have some kind of open relationship. She can throw her vag around town on the down-low and he can get it where it stinks whenever he wants. So Dean might be shouting “You go girl” to LeAnn when he finds out that she’s licking on that fine ass piece of certified organic beef!

If that’s not the case, then I say Dean needs to call a lawyer, grab a shovel and start digging for fucking gold. Milk that Rimes bitch for all the coin she has. Take that money and go live your happy gay life!

As for Eddie, it’s hard for me to comment when drool keeps hitting my keyboard. Yes, it’s wrong, wrong, wrong, but doing fucky times with Eddie is so right, right, right. I say, his wife needs to divorce his ass and Eddie’s peen needs to be thrown in a cell for the wrong shit it’s done. And by “cell,” I mean my no-no.

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