Afternoon Crumbs

/ March 19, 2009

If Botticelli was alive today, The Empress of Lucite would be his muse (NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

What in the hell kind of GD space hooker outfit is this? – Hollywood Tuna

If you need to punish yourself for whatever reason, then feast your eyes on Lady CaCa’s nip – Egotastic!

Jimmy Fallon did it worse – Towleroad

Kristen Stewart gives good bitchface – Lainey Gossip

What happens next? – Cityrag

I’m ashamed to admit that I’m excited for the new Grey Gardens Just Jared

If you squint, turn your head and blink really fast, they sort of look like LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian Popsugar

Emma Heming could be the gold digger of the weekend. Get it! – Hollywood Rag

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Open Post: Hosted By Stephen Colbert

/ March 19, 2009

This morning on Today, Stephen Colbert, master of masters, admitted that he has twatted before. This made Meredith Viera’s twatter twitter, because she was left speechless for a second. Meredith went to say, “So have I.” Hey Meredith, if it was college or in The View green room, it doesn’t count.

It’s also pretty funny that the page they cut to at the end belongs to one of Twitter’s biggest twats.

VIA News Wrecker

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Marilyn Manson Wants Dita Von Teese Back

/ March 19, 2009

The goth tequila worm nobody wants to swallow has been calling the original Dita Von Teese on the phone to try and get her baby powder-covered ass on his face again. Marilyn must have gotten tired from trying to clone her a million times, so he just figured he should go back to the first.

However, Dita is not interested, because she’s too busy putting some frequent-flier miles on her vag. Dita said, He’s been in touch a little. The apologies come, and he was like, ‘I made a big mistake’. And I’m like, ‘Yeah, yeah, I know. Go ahead and say what you need to say to feel better and to sleep at night.’ Right now I’ve got three (men). They’re all in different parts of the world… That’s my biggest sin – juggling men.

Marilyn, stick your limp lechees into a tub of Crisco and forget about Dita, because she doesn’t want it. She had the dick, it was sour, the after-taste is finally gone and now she’s moving the fuck on.

And I really must stand up and perform the dick-slappy dance in Dita’s honor. This bitch is doing it right. She’s taking that pussy international! Eff Marilyn and fuck an Asian, French, Middle Eastern, African, Australian, English, Swedish, South American, Russian and Antarctican dude instead.

Source

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What Is It About This Bitch?

/ March 19, 2009

Why does Ryan Gosling make my nipples stand up and my nalgas clench? This, I don’t understand. Dude is borderline steamed spinach without lemon.

I mean, he looks like one of those dudes who won’t call you for weeks, but then magically shows up at your door to hit that shit. You resist at first, but then the asshole flashes a “Yeah, I know how to do this” smile and before you know it, you’re on board the bust nuts express. And I bet you that seconds after he pops a mess all over you, he gets up and says he needs to go have a cigarette by himself. Bitch doesn’t even give you a paper towel! And then he walks outside and never comes back! A few weeks go by and the cycle repeats itself. If you see him in a bar or on the street within that time, dude probably doesn’t even say hi. He just nods his head and gives you one of those cocky ass smiles that makes your genitals cry.

Okay, I just answered my own question. Swoooooooon.

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The Sunglasses Come Off

/ March 19, 2009

Alien Princess RiRi of the Universe stepped out in Hollywood last night wearing some shit made out of my mom’s old 70s bedroom drawer liners. It’s nice to see somebody put that shit to use. RiRi also kept her Ray-Bans at home. Good. “I Wear My Sunglasses at Night” can finally be taken off heavy rotation in my head’s playlist.

RiRi’s own personal Mike Tyson was not around and E! is saying the two are on a “break.” Not a permanent break. Just a break. To most of us, a break just means you just want different dick for a week. But for Ike & Tina 2.0 it probably just means RiRi is trying to keep her money safe. I’m thinking her bitches got all worried that she might lose cash for going back to the beast who attacked her ass, so they told her to take two steps back. And hopefully, she keeps on stepping back.

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Morning Wood

/ March 19, 2009

There’s a floating peen out there that is aching to be Photoshopped into this Clive Owen picture – Socialite Life

Honk 4 for the pathetic buttface! – Popbytes

I am going to sue Joe Jonas for $4 billion – Gossip Teen

Recession who? Mimi’s new rainbow castle will cost her $125 million – Holy Moly!

The Osbournes’ variety show could be the biggest failure in TV history – Scandalist

Prince Willy says he has psychological power over Prince Hot Ginge. Can he bottle that and sell it at Rite-Aid, because the things I would suck if I had that power – Celebitchy

Eddie Cibrian denies that he’s doing wrong sexy times with LeAnn Rimes ICYDK

But that whole affair is probably just a cheap publicity stunt for their stupid ass Lifetime movie – I’m Not Obsessed

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