Morning Wood

/ March 20, 2009

This gorgeous welfare family from Britain wants more money, because they say they are too fucking fat to work! So basically, if you don’t want to work, pop out 8 babies or layer on the chunk – Telegraph

Fuck the LeAnn Rimes cheating tape, somebody needs to get the footage of Tom Sizemore stealing cell phones at a Verizon store – Popeater

Aw. Papa Joe is jealous – I’m Not Obsessed

There’s no more single Conchords in the world – Stuff NZ

The Pussy is Right: Bob Barker almost fucked on camera – National Enquirer

Reese Witherspoon presents a giant, moldy, corroded crotch berry – ONTD

T.R. Knight was in a car crash. I blame HAGelSocialite Life

Hannah Montana will kill your children – Celebslam

If they told the seniors at UCLA James Franco will give the speech shirtless, this wouldn’t be happening – Videogum

Fred Durst still exists and is still talking about fucking Brit Brit’s possum pie – ICYDK

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Kenley Collins Is So Generous

/ March 20, 2009

Kenley Collins, the pussy thrower of Williamsburg, has moved out of the Brooklyn apartment she shared with her fiance (now ex) Zac Penley after she was arrested for attacking him with a pussy and fruit. Kenley told The New York Post yesterday that she broke up with Zac, because she wants to stay in New York and he wants to travel. The loon forgot to mention that he wants to travel far, far, far away, change his name, get a sex change and pray that Kenley never finds him again.

The almost Mrs. Kenley Penley went on to say that she’s going to let Zac keep the cat she threw at him! The cat that belongs to him! Not only is she crazier than a full season of Intervention, but she’s also so fucking generous. Oh, Kenley, stick your head in a toilet and keep flushing until all the crazy pours out of your ear holes.

Kenley added, “The girl cat Sandra is mine and the boy cat Arlo (above) is his.” Arlo might have been thrown across the room, but it sounds like he got off easy, because he doesn’t have to live with Kenley. Sandra is fucked. Sandra better learn how to use a phone, so she can call in anonymous tips to the fucking ASPCA. I mean, having to listen to Kenley’s screechy voice that can kill a morning has to be some sort of pussy abuse.

Kenley was charged with being a fucking psycho, throwing a pussy and abusing produce. Kenley could get 7 years in the clink if convicted.

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Madonna Is Over Jesus

/ March 20, 2009

Madonna has crucified Baby Jesus one last time so that he can fly away and play with infants his own age. The Daily Star says Baby Jesus has been released from Vadge’s roided-up cooch of death after she saw pictures of him in Brazil with a young piece. Vadge apparently woke up and smelled the Ben-Gay, so she called up Baby Jesus to tell him his services as her whore were no longer needed.

Vadge also wants to buy another baby in Africa, and she thinks Baby Jesus could fuck up her chances. A source said, “She was drawn to Jesus. But it was just a bit of fun and she’s enjoyed herself. But she is growing bored of the relationship and her family comes first. He would ruin her chances of adopting again. And the pictures of him with Luciana made her realize that he’ll be better suited to somebody his own age.”

Ruining her chances of adopting again? Um. Color me dumb (again), but I thought Baby Jesus WAS the latest child adopted by Vadge? Baby Jesus should thank Jesus that he crawled away with his youth still intact. Besides, Baby Jesus was getting too old for Vadge. I hear she already asked Bronx Mowgli out on a date.

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OctoMommy As Art

/ March 20, 2009

The artist dude who brought us Brit Brit pushing out SPF, Hillary Clinton’s bust, Suri’s first shit, Wonky’s autopsoy, Prince Hot Ginge’s dead body and Oprah Sarcophagus, has now used OctoCrazy as his muse for his latest work.

Daniel Edwards showed off his latest piece of art which is a pink rubber toy version of OctoCrazy and her eight kiddies. Daniel titled it: String of Babies’, holds a baby bottle upright.

Yeah, I think this “sculpture” is supposed to look like a giant butt (or cooch) plug that will make Tommy Girl’s Scientolohole howl in excitement. It should be sold with an economy-sized tub of lube and a sewing kit. Pretty fucking fitting.

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I Know What You Did Last Summer: You Made This Shitty Piece Of Shit!

/ March 20, 2009

The cast for the remake of Sorority Row looks like it was compiled in a bathroom stall at Les Deux. I mean, it stars Ceiling Eyes from The Hills, Tater Head, Jamie from The Real World: San Diego, some skank whose greatest credit is being “detention girl” in 90210 and a bunch of other whores. Obviously, they all worked for drink tickets, a half-used box of Trojans and a promise that their 15-seconds will be extended to 18. And tell me why oh why Carrie Fisher is in this dirty tampon of a movie?! Carrie, if you need some quick cash, work the streets or sell crack. It’s more respectable than working with these whorey cardboard cutouts.

And of course, Ceiling Eyes plays the dead girl. The bitch probably can’t even play a corpse convincingly. Her ceiling eyes got her role, obviously.

While watching this trailer, these were my thoughts: That’s not foam, it’s jizz backing up! Why did he kill her if she was already dead? A tire iron can do that? Graduation gowns have hoods? Why am I doing this to myself? Is this real life?

SPOILER ALERT: Tater Head’s chin is the killer!

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