Brooke Theiss – I know her best as the slutty and hottest Lubbock sister, Wendy, from Just the Ten of Us. Brooke’s first big role was in Nightmare on Elm Street 4 where she was transformed into a roach! Brooke is now doing big things on the silver screen. I mean, she was in Catwoman the movie as “Ferris Wheel Mom!!”

William Shatner (78)
Cody Gifford (19)
Mims (29)
Shannon Bex (29)
Reese Witherspoon (33)
Cole Hauser (34)
Elvis Stojko (37)
Matthew Modine (50)
Stephanie Mills (52)
Lena Olin (54)
Bob Costas (57)
Fanny Ardant (60)
Wolf Blitzer (61)
Andrew Lloyd Webber (61)
Stephen Sondheim (79)
Karl Malden (97)

Ed Westwick is sick of hobags saying he likes to play “Pin the Peen on the No-No” with his Gossip Girl gal pal Chace Crawford all day and all night. Ed doesn’t like to lick the nutsack sweat off of Chace’s taint. No. Ed loves vagina! If there was an all-you-can-eat pussy buffet, he would be there 24-hours a day. In fact, he loves the chocha so much that he kissed a girl in public! That must mean he’s a slave to the snatch. Right?

Ed whined to Rolling Stone (via SS) about this fuckery, “It’s funny because I love this fucking dude dearly. I would die for this fucking dude. He’s my brother. But, by God, we are so into our fucking women it’s ridiculous. I made out with a girl in public. Maybe I need to have sex in public with a woman. That one’s still on the list. Still haven’t ticked that one off. Well, I have, but they haven’t seen me. Not George Michael public.”

Okay, he had me falling for his foolery until the George Michael part. That’s not a bitch you bring up when you’re trying to convince the world that you like the clit.

But then I looked at these pictures of Ed with his girlfriend (for pay) Jessica Szohr in Miami and maybe the dude is truth-telling. First of all, I don’t know any homoanything who would take off their shirt in public when they have juicy puss-filled pimples on their chest. Second of all, that Heartbreak Hotel tattoo screams straight douchebag. Wait, unless he got it in honor of Whitney Houston and then….

That being said, I’d hit that shit and squeeze those chest pimples with my ass lips. And I bet his body jiggles when he wriggles. Hot.

You can cancel the APB out for Vivica Fox’s hairline, because that shit turned up the other night in Hollywood at a party for Shark City. It’s true that bitch’s hairline is looking a shaken up and horrified, but at least it’s here now. That thing has probably seen some fucked up, nut-shrinking shit on its travel. It’s also sweet that her weave is curling up to her hairline. It missed it.

Actually, change that APB. Put it out for Vivica’s old Booty Call face instead, because it needs to come back. Vivica is seriously close to Lil’ Kim territory and that’s a scary thing. Hos should not look like felines. I feel the need to throw a ball of yarn at her ass. And if Vivica ever shows her face in Brooklyn, she better watch it, because Kenley Penley might hurl her ass at her new boyfriend.

Or else her pussy would be hanging out. It’s on the brink. I’m sorry. It has to be said every single time until she says something else worthy enough to replace it like, “Mah nipples is a chaffin’!” Or something.

Daddy Spears allowed his little Cheetoling to take pictures at the after-party for her “I Ain’t Crazy But My Pussay Is” tour at Tribe in Montreal last night. I’m getting small flavors of Vadge in these pictures. Well, Vadge without the He-Man action figure body.

And if Brit isn’t on the bad shit anymore (only on the med shit), what does she need a coke pinky nail for? Oh, bitch probably uses it to scrape the Cheetodoo off her teefs.

The wig tomb known as Kim Zolciak co-founded her own charity, Shoes for Shattered Hearts, which sells used shoes to help battered women. The charity’s first event is taking place tonight at Monkee’s of Sugarloaf and Kim was supposed to make a special appearance since she’s such a fucking star and all. However, Kim has backed out of the event because she needs to devote time to her favorite charity of all: her stupid fucking whore self!

AJC.com says Kim went off to the Bahamas and her friend added, “Kim has gone out of town for some mental R&R .” Riddle me this: Kim needs rest from what exactly? Is the biggest wig rehabilitation center in the Bahamas or something? Somebody please cut down a tightrope and whip this trick with it.

The event’s organizer doesn’t think this is cute, she said, “It’s a sucker punch to the stomach. But my goal is to get shoes to these women. I hope we get more boxes of shoes than we know what to do with.”

You know, they shouldn’t even have announced Kim wasn’t going to be there. I mean, all they have to do is scrounge the nearest back alley for a mangy mutt. Give him a juicy bone and while he’s eating it, brush him a few times. Then take the raggedy, flea-infested hair from the brush, compile it into a little ball and set it on top of a chair at the event! Nobody would be the wiser. Fake Kim would even be more interesting to talk to than real Kim.

And for a special treat, they can get “Kim” to sing for her guests! Just plop a microphone up to the hairball and play this over the loudspeakers. Crisis averted!