Matt Lauer was riding his bike over the weekend, probably pretending he’s in the Tour de Frace, when a deer jumped in front of his ass which caused him to flip over the handlebars and fucked up his shoulder. Deer: 1, Lauer: 0.

Meredith Viera thought it was really fucking hilarious and joked about it on Today this morning when she explained why he wasn’t at work. Meredith said, “Matt’s banged up with a displaced shoulder, it popped out. Hopefully he’ll be on the mend soon.” Meredith said Matt thinks the animal was hired as a hit deer by the competition. Meredith added, “I hired the deer. Just graze him.‘”

This is no time for their jokes! That poor deer will probably need years of therapy after coming that close to Matt Lauer’s enormous ego. Looking his ego in the eye will scar you for years!

By the way, the deer was really a blonde prostitute who got a little too excited while she was riding his face, right?

Source

The little robot who can’t, Stepford Katie, took Suri and some of the Beckham boys to do crafts and art shit in Los Angeles yesterday. Romeo Beckham looks traumatized by the whole experience. He doesn’t know if it’s real life or not. I’m sure Posh will sit him down later and play Battlefield Earth, so Romeo can see where the Cruises come from. That will answer a lot of questions.

You know that while they were inside Stepford Katie got put on restriction again, because when they were painting pots, she wrote “help me” on hers and got caught! Suri would’ve helped her out, but she couldn’t see anything with her eyes, because of those damn bangs! Can’t Xenu help a girl out and take a Flowbee to her mop?

And what in “Please sir, can I have some more?” Hell is Katie Holmes wearing?! Since she’s looking like a runaway orphan, the urchin should take it to the next level and stowaway on the next train out of there.

Amy Wino, forever the Crackie of Camden to me, was packed up and shipped off to St. Lucia to shake the crack out of her system so she could get back to making music (and cash money). Well, the record label apparently isn’t busting loads over the shit she wrote in between stealing cocktails and dry humping the tourists in the Caribbean. The Sun says Wino now thinks she’s like the next Bob Marley or something, because her new sound is all reggae. Crackie Marley!

A source said, “She seems to have ditched her trademark vintage soul sound and is now heavily influenced by reggae. Her bosses don’t think it’s a wise move to change her style so sharply and have told her that.”

They sent the crackie to the Caribbean, what do they expect?! Wino let the local flavor fall all over her and creep into her lungs. And by that I mean she squeezed into a bong and inhaled enough of the good shit to leave St. Lucia dry for years.

The label isn’t only concerned about Wino butchering reggae with her crackie call, but they also think her lyrics are way too dark. Even for her. The source went on to say, “In the past, she’s written frequently about broken hearts and boyfriends, but this time round she’s delving into harrowing terrain.”

Wino’s green must have been laced with a little of the evil sugar, because if she was smoking the good shit, all her songs would be about the Taco Bell chihuahua, South Park, Michael Phelps and 12-hour naps.

You know, her label whores need to take a few tokes themselves, because it’s better than they think. Look on the bright fucking side. At least Wino’s brain can still work long enough for her to write actual words on paper. Which is more than I can say for myself this morning. Fuck, I hate Monday morning times. Wino, take all of us awaaaaay.

It makes sense that Larry Birkhead would party at the Rainbow Room since he probably loves rainbows so much. I mean, that’s where his glistening hair came from. It checked out of 1992 and slid down the rainbow onto Larry’s head. It’s Larry’s shiny mop of highlights that gets him all the hos. Last night after leaving the club, Larry did gross mouth things with some Rock of Love Bang Bus reject while some loud ass blondie yammered on to the cameras.

Seriously, I think the character of Jerri Blanks was loosely based on that bitch. Bitch’s body says 40-something receptionist at a hair salon in Kentucky, but her outfit says tweentardian who wrote a lullaby to Robert Pattinson and posted it on YouTube. At least she didn’t bring her Tini Puppini to the club, but you know that was hard for her.

Vadge’s former nanny, an Australian chick named Angela, is probably waking up this morning feeling like ten trillion dollars, because the roidy beast known as Vadge is finally off her back. Angela, who worked as David Banda’s caretaker, quit that bitch last month, but Vadge wasn’t going to let her have the last word! No! Vadge crawled out from the coffin she sleeps in and demanded that Angela take her Australian ass out of her house now!

A source spilled it to the Daily Mail, “All Madonna’s employees work incredibly long hours, so it’s no surprise that Angela had had enough. If you work for Madonna you are on call 24 hours a day, seven days a week. There’s no such thing as a weekend. The rumour is that Madonna was furious that Angela was leaving and dismissed her before she had the chance to complete her full notice. Angela was incredibly upset and very surprised because she had been told that Madonna is due to adopt a second baby from Malawi very soon.”

In fact, the source says Vadge is sending one of her personal assistants to Malawi next month to “pick out a baby” and make sure all the document shit is in place. Yes, “pick out a baby.” Not to be confused with “picking out a purse,” but it’s kind of the same thing.

Hey, Vadge is a busy monster. When she’s not whipping Baby Jesuses with her leathery snatch lips, she’s hunting for virgins to skin. She just doesn’t have time to go all the way to Africa to buy her own baby. So she sends her assistant there who lines ’em all up, takes out pictures of Vadge in various outfits and decides who’s going to look the best with their new owner. After that, she shows the kids a picture of The Crypt Keeper. The babies that don’t burst into tears and beg for mercy make the final cut. It’s kind of like America’s Next Top Model, but instead of winning a Cover Girl contract, you win a life in Heeeeeeeeell.

That so isn’t the woody this pussy had in mind. They really need to shut Craigslist down. – MISSterious

Runners-up:

Captain’s log: Mr. Sulu keeps taking cat naps in my lap. Something…not right. Getting a queer feeling about him. – jazzfish_77

Why the log face? – fmdoom

Thanks Rebecca