The Joke Is On You

/ April 20, 2009

The next time you get caught by the police doing some wrong shit that will make Jesus shake his head in shame, just shrug your shoulders and explain, “I was just joking, officer! When I shanked that bitch in the eye for stealing my stash, I meant it as a joke! Durr.” You can thank Brit Brit’s stalker for that excuse.

As some of you hos may know, MC Hammer was arrested Thursday morning for trespassing on the grounds of Brit Brit’s House of Cheetos with a video camera. After she was released on a citation, Miranda Tozier-Robbins told Access Hollywood (via OK!) that it was all a joke and she didn’t mean it like that.

The Cheetofucker reached into her pee-hole and pulled out this LOLexcuse, “The whole thing — it was all a joke in the beginning, everybody knew about it. It was supposed to be like a ‘Paparazzi 101’ documentary type deal. What originally was supposed to happen was, I was going to tape whatever I could get. I would be like, far away doing a stakeout. It didn’t work out as planned, so when I was already halfway there in the mountains [around Britney’s home], it was already Wednesday night/Thursday morning … I already knew Britney herself wouldn’t be there, but it’s like, I came that far, I might as well go see the house, at least get the house on tape, because I know people would be interested in seeing stuff like that. It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity, you understand? She’s coming through on the tour, on the stop, it’s like take your chance. Take the opportunity, do it. It wasn’t really stalking her, it was more plotting out how to get to her house.”

That explanation was ripped from an episode of Cops. You know, when I took a hit of my bong this morning, I wasn’t really trying to get high, it was more like me trying to plot out how to get high if I wanted to. Sense: Miranda T doesn’t have any.

You know what’s the biggest joke of them all? The fact that a crazy bitch will hike through the mountains to stalk Brit Brit Spears. You just have to laugh to keep from choking on your own tears over that one. I mean, homeboy risked getting mauled by a mountain lion for a Cheetotard! That is too much work. All Miranda had to do was set up camp near a random bag of Cheetos and wait a few seconds. It wouldn’t take long for Our Lady of Cheetos to sniff it out and stroll right in.

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Spread Dem Legs!

/ April 20, 2009

No, these are not stills from I DREAMED A DREAM: The Susan Boyle Story, it’s Meryl Fucking Streep as Julia Child. Hearing Meryl do Julia’s “nipple hair twisting voice” (in a good way) is worth the price of admission alone.

In Julie & Julia, Meryl plays Julia at the start of her career to her reign as the head bitch in America when it comes to French cuisine. Amy Adams co-stars as Julie, a blogger who spent 365 days trying to master all 525 of the recipes in Julia’s Mastering the Art of French Cooking. That is some crackhead shit right there. Have you ever seen Julia cook on TV? Homegirl does it all. I think in one episode, she runs out into the farm and strangles a chicken with her thighs. She’s no joke.

The Oscar skanks should just hand over a nomination to Meryl right now. Why bother with the flirting and dirty talk. They should all pass a nom over to international supermodel and master seat filler Phoebe Price for her work in the picture above. Chicken Cutlets is spreading those legs wide for an Oscah!

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What The Hell Kind Of GD Outfits Are These?

/ April 20, 2009

Obviously, these two twats are getting dressed in two different closets in probably two different rooms! Matthew Broderick looks like a child toucher with a serious case of halitosis who charms you with his according playing and then offers you some candy from his jar. Meanwhile, Sarah Jessica Parker is looking like a Day-glo Disco My Little Pony left on the dusty backroom storage shelf of a Toys R Us in Indiana since the 80s. If these two faglets can’t even coordinate their outfits, how are they coordinating their genitals. They ain’t!

And SJP’s mug is looking especially filly-ish. Maybe she’s full of guilt for throwing Vadge off of her back. Aw. Nibble on a sugar cube and don’t be so hard on yourself, Pony. Any bitch would’ve tossed that roid beast off of them.

Here’s Faggy and Haggy at the premiere of Mary Stuart on Broadway last night.

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The BABY ARMY Is Grooooowing!

/ April 20, 2009

For a while there it seemed like BABY!!! production has slowed down. I could freely walk the streets without feeling like a baby was going to terrorize me with its screeches or stare at me like it’s ready to suffocate my face with its saliva, but once again I have to protect myself with a diaper over my head and a tub of baby wipes in my hand (wink to Terry Howard), because PROJECT: BABY WORLD TAKEOVER is in full swing. 39-year-old Ellen Pompeo and her husband, Chris Ivery, are having one of those greedy baby creatures!

Ellen’s spokeswhore confirms the news to People.

The two met in a grocery store in 2003 and they got married in 2007. This is their first contribution to the BABY ARMY.

Ellen always seemed like such a flimsy little thing with the body of a 90-year-old abuelita who probably falls over after eating a macadamia nut, so bitch better bulk up for baby. IHOP in the morning, Claim Jumper in the afternoon and Chili’s at night.

At this point, who knows if the hos at Grey’s Anatomy are going to write this shit in or cover her baby zone with a potted plant or the fat head of a patient. I don’t watch that wreck for reasons I’d rather not discuss (HEEEEIGGGGGL), so I don’t know if that makes sense or not.

As for baby names, I’m thinking Dr. McBaby? Better yet, how about Heiglisastupidcunt Ivery. If Ellen names her baby that, I will worship her until the BABY ARMY finally buries us all in a mountain of caca-filled diapers.

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The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 17th!

/ April 20, 2009

The boys know just what to do when Katie’s on her way up the stairs. – Jejune

Runners-up:

I’m tired of dusting my shelves as it is, but with Tommy Girl’s new line of furniture, I’ll have to feed it, wash it and scrub it too. NO THANKS! – Drew

Screws not included. – El Bastardo

The new clüsterfük bookshelf from ikea. – ImpertinentVixen

Thanks Susan

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