Birthday Sluts

/ April 21, 2009

Robert Smith (50)
Tony Romo (29)
James MacAvoy (30)
Charlie O’Connell (34)
Eric Mabius (38)
Nicole Sullivan (39)
John Cameron Mitchell (46)
Andie MacDowell (51)
Tony Danza (58)
Patti LuPone (60)
Iggy Pop (62)
Queen Elizabeth II (83)

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You Liiiiiiieeee!

/ April 20, 2009

After Vadge got dropped on her roidy ass (which probably killed a whole colony of ants living down below) by a really hot horse, she blamed the whole thing on a paparazzo. Vadge’s spokeswhore said that a pap jumped out of the bushes, freaking the horse out and causing Baby Jesus’ pimp to hit the ground. The pap said Vadge and her slaves were telling major major lies. According to his ass, he was only around before and after the fall, but not during. He said that if he was around, he would’ve gotten pictures of her flying off her high horse. And those pictures would’ve immediately been hung over my bed, so that I could go to bed and wake up with a smile on my mug.

The cops who took Vadge’s statement are apparently sliding up to the pap’s side. Sgt. Herbert Johnson of the Southampton Police Department told TMZ, “There is no mention of photographers. It’s a matter of spin control that went out of control. If they felt there was something else, they would have written ‘paparazzi’ in the form — if they felt there was a problem.”

Why does Vadge gotta lie like that? She has no reason to be embarrassed. Everyone already knows that most living things don’t want her riding their backs. I mean, her tarantula crotch can pinch through the toughest saddle, so that horse looked up to the sky, said a prayer and tossed the cuntrag. It tried to make it work.

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What In Monday-To-Friday Helsinki Is This?!

/ April 20, 2009

You know how on basic TV and cable, they have to re-edit or re-dub poetic words like “cunt, fuck, shit” in movies? Well, this past weekend FX played Snakes on a Plane and had to find a way to turn Samuel Jackson’s line, “I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane” into something a little more prude-friendly. Watch the clip above to see what phrases they invented. The genius responsible for this mess was really smoking the good shiitake and loving their monkey fightin’ job!

They should do this to all movies!

VIA /film

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Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

/ April 20, 2009

Could it be that a certain former heartthrob has left his wife for someone of the same sex? Well, there are so many contenders for this one. In the past couple months, three guys on the down low have announced separations. The one we’re talking about, however, is a case of life imitating art since he’s played gay before – notoriously. Of course, this was before his marriage, before he got famous (well, kinda around the same time)…but after he was pushed back into the closet. What goes in, despite good intentions, must eventually come out. And in and out! (Billy Masters via Blind Gossip)

This one has Big Gay Willie written all over it, but he hasn’t announced that he’s quitting that lizard man he’s married too. I’ll still go with him and I’m sooo hoping he’s shacking up in Tommy Girl’s dungeon.

Here’s some hot gossip from over the weekend in Hollywood! These two exes were spotted smooching at a nightclub in WeHo. We guess the romance is back on? Glad to hear it, we liked these two together! It wasn’t LiLo. (BuzzFoto)

WeHo? See above. Or maybe Star Jones and Gay Al finally settled their disagreement over who looks better in a g-string bikini.

Which actor needs to give his nose a break? His coke-heavy ‘model parties’ have already sent him to the hospital once recently, but he can’t stop being host to starlets. (Star Magazine Via Blind Gossip)

Josh “I Drank Third World Water” Hartnett?

Which teen-favorite international actor, who avoids gay rumors but never seems to have a girlfriend, has fallen in love with his own stunt double? It would be the perfect relationship for an actor (falling in love with a version of himself), except the object of his affections is straight. (Ben Widdicombe via CDAN)

I have two guesses: DanRad or RPattz? If it’s RPattz and the world finds out, we will soon all be covered in the remnants of a million exploding vaginas.

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Hot Slut Of The Week: Susan Boyle

/ April 20, 2009

Birthday: 1961
Age: 47ish
Birth Name: Susan Boyle

Original Date of HS of the Day: April 13, 2009
Claim to Fame: Susan Boyle made thousands of black hearts beat for the first in a while when she took her teddy bear ass on Britain’s Got Talent last weekend. I swear, mean ass whores who only use the words “cunt and bitch” e-mailed saying how they have fallen for a big lump of sweet honey named Susan. They are hypnotized by her voice and bewitching eyebrows!

Where is she now? Probably being given the key to the world by Jesus himself.

Why is she HS of the Week? Because if I didn’t crown her Hot Slut of the Week, some bitch will cast a black spell on me and I’d wake up with overgrown pube bushes over my eyes. The horror! Plus, Susan is really kind of hard to hate on. I’ve tried! In case you missed it, here’s her singing “My Eyebrows Will Go On” on Larry King last week:

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Afternoon Crumbs

/ April 20, 2009

Jason Statham has the right idea. Whenever I lose feeling in my derriere, I just hook that shit up to a car battery and scream, “Give it gaaaas!” – Towleroad

Joss Stone’s hippie crotch at Coachella – Hollywood Tuna

The sky blue, Blohan is orange and Halle Berry is still gorgeous…even with that hair – Just Jared

Jakey’s beard looking as exciting as a bowl of stale grits – Popsugar

Angels would rip out their own wings for these elegant breasts (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

The only thing that would make this better for purdy Zac Efron is if Leo DiCaprio was sitting on his lap with a bronzer stick in his mouth – Lainey Gossip

Seriously, is this Jessica Biel movie going straight to Spice? – Egotastic!

Behold my new house! – Cityrag

The worst idea for a reality show since Keeping Up with the KardashiansONTD

MiserAlba is smiling, but her crotch looks like its frowning – Hollywood Rag

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