Do You Hate Your Ears?

/ April 22, 2009

If you have a reason to hate your ears this morning, then punish him by listening to this terrorist act on your eardrums. If you’ve got any hair in your ears you want to get rid of, you can listen to this mess too and that shit will burn off in a quick second. Cancel that laser hair removal appointment!

TMZ posted a clip Howard Stern played yesterday which is supposedly the unedited board feed from Beyonce’s performance on Today back in November. A wildebeest getting DPed with two hot curling irons probably sounds more pleasant than this.

This has just become my new ringtone. I can’t wait to see bitches run for cover when my phone rings.

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Morning Wood

/ April 22, 2009

Get it, bitch: Helen Mirren destroys tricks half her age – Socialite Life

I wonder if Miss California’s bible says “thou shalt suck the dick of a stoner” – Celebitchy

Chace Crawford tries to dirty up his purdy unicorn face – Popbytes

It makes me a little sad that Tim Gunn doesn’t have a sweet someone to cuddle up to his silver den at night – SOW

John Mayer isn’t over it – Holy Moly!

Your muthah and me are fucking done professionally! – ICYDK

Jesse Metcalfe is moving to London where they appreciate a big, fat rack – I’m Not Obsessed

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The First Lady Of Camerooon And A Dirty Poon

/ April 22, 2009

Who is responsible for this dark-sided fuckery right here? Off with their head and throw it into a wicker basket! Obviously, nobody briefed The First Lady of Camerooon, Chantal Biya, that she was posing next to thee most diseased and disgusting boils on humanity’s asshole. Although, Chantal is giving Wonky McValtrex the “My private lion den is starting to itch and you’re to blame” side-eye, so she might know what’s up. Camer-ooooouch.

Poor Chantal. Think of all the crotch maggots that have crawled out of Wonky’s acid-spewing black hole and made their way into Chantal’s luscious mane of wonder. Chantal better stop by Hazmat to cleanse herself of Wonky’s stank before she makes her way back to Africa.

Here’s the most glamorous woman in the world and the most wretched piece of trash in the world at The First Ladies of Africa event in Beverly Hills last night. I mean, what in pussy rotting Hell was Wonky doing there?

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Pop That Ass!

/ April 22, 2009

Yesterday in Hollywood, Hugh Jackmeoff got on all fours for a quick minute and afterwards his precious paws were covered in a warm, sticky substance. Usually, Hugh just licks a little off and then jazz dances away into the night. But this time he was getting some kind of plaque he can hang in his walk-in panty closet, so he stuck around. Hugh popped his ass out during the handprint and footprint ceremony at Grauman’s Chinese Theater.

You know, this handprint and footprint shit is so damn old-fashioned. Who really cares what these celebwhores’ hands are like. The last time I was there, I walked around thinking only one thing, “I wonder how big their penises are?” For real. So they need to stop with this handprint shit and start giving us peenprints! That’s what we’re all thinking when we’re standing over Richard Widmark’s footprints. How big is yo dick?

All they had to do was pop in an old Beta video of Liza Minnelli doing jazz hands on Broadway back in the day, so Hugh Jackman could get hard. After that, plop his dick into the cement and let it rest for a bit. Yes, his dick would end up looking like a melted down Twix, but I’m sure he’s used to that.

Eff handprints. Viva peenprints!

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HoHan Is Back On The Peen

/ April 22, 2009

HoHan is making up for lost times. Now that HoHan has put her pussy poundin’ ways behind her for now, she’s trying to stuff as much dick into her firecrotch as possible. That’s what friends tell Page Six anyway. Since HoHan and SamRo are no longer partners in pussy, she has been sliding up to wang every night.

One friend said HoHan has been regularly talking to Kellan Lutz from Twilight and 90210. Last time I cared, Kellan was rubbing taints with AnnaLynne McCord. But Kellan isn’t the only piece HoHan is up on. Friends also say she’s two Cheeto steps closer in becoming the new old Brit Brit Spears, because she’s been hanging out with 41-year-old British pap Chris Jepson. Last week, the two went into a bathroom together at a party and didn’t come out for a while.

I’m sure they were just discussing the important works of ABBA while dusting each other’s noses off with a little fairy dust, because Chris Jepson is a card carrying member of the Big ‘Mo Club. Take a gander at Chris’ MySpace. That is a dude who loves a warm peen lying against his nipple in the morning. The only thing HoHan was probably sucking up on Chris was a line off his titty cleavage.

HoHan needs some salchicha in her life, but not the kind that goes weepy after it busts. She needs the kind that’s best served with some chili and melted Velveeta. Bitch needs to eat a salchicha in a bad way. Shit, throw a stuffed pancake on it! HoHan is the spitting image of Nancy, a straggly neighborhood alley cat who would lick an ass for a fish head. I’ve tried to save Nancy before, but she’s a pussy of the streets and wants to stay that way.

Here’s HoHan with The Curious Case of Ali Lohan buying eyeglasses or some shit. Good, maybe HoHan will put on her new eyeglasses, take a hard look in the mirror and realize she needs to do something fast before her only offer is to headline a donkey show in Tijuana.

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Dog The Bounty Hunter Almost Got Shot!

/ April 22, 2009

The co-star of your panty creaming dreams, Dog the Bounty Hunter, was shot at while trying to capture a dude wanted for murder! Police say it went down yesterday evening at an apartment complex in Colorado Springs, CO. Dog and his crew showed up with paintball guns to defend themselves. What the hell were they going to do? Get all Picasso on the murderer’s ass?

Sadly for them, the suspect, 35-year-old Hoang Nguyen, had a gun and started shooting. But luck for him, Nguyen missed. Nguyen then escaped on a motorcycle, but was later caught by police at a Toys ‘R Us.

Dog had a TV crew with him, but they missed the whole thing.

You know, Nguyen probably wasn’t trying to kill a bitch. Dog’s hideous mullet from Hell was burning Nguyen’s eyes, so he was trying to shoot off the bottom of it. That’s it. Oh and fortunately, not a weave strand was harmed on the always beautiful and precious Beth Chapman.

Source: ABC7 News Denver

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