The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 22nd!

/ April 23, 2009

Sir Paul McCartney’s Mom left the royal ball a bit early. Moments later Heather Mills was heard shrieking from above, “Where the hell’s my fucking leg?!” – NitWitty

Runners-up:

What? Grandma Hilton needed a job and Paris needed some help hoisting her tampons. – Sweetas

Joan Rivers has had so many plastic surgeries, she is now wearing her labia on her head. – ChubbyWubby

VIA FunPic

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

/ April 23, 2009

Freda Payne – For reasons unknown, Freda Payne sang “Band of Gold” on American Idol last night even though it was disco week. Actually, I think she still fit in with the theme, because homegirl looked like she was on some disco DUST. Freda was like a drunken, rambling, memaw of the bride! If there were waiters walking around with champagne, she would’ve dry humped them. I was waiting for Freda to stop, stare and then pass out in the middle of the stage. It was really, really hot. She was MY American Idol last night. I’ll post the video of that mess later.

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Birthday Sluts

/ April 23, 2009

Valerie Bertinelli (49)
Dev Patel (19)
Matthew Underwood (19)
Jessica Stam (23)
Jamie King (30)
Joanna Krupa (30)
Kal Penn (32)
John Cena (32)
Barry Watson (35)
Melina Kanakaredes (42)
John Hannah (47)
George Lopez (48)
Judy Davis (54)
Michael Moore (55)
Joyce DeWitt (60)
Lee Majors (70)
Shirley Temple (81)

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Evan Rachel Wood On True Blood

/ April 22, 2009

If you didn’t watch the first season of True Blood, then Netflix that shit or suck a dick for a copy. That shit is good. I’ve been practically foaming at the ass (DON’T) for season 2 which starts in June. Well, Michael Ausiello says that Marilyn Manson’s current bone polisher (they’re back together, I hear) has signed up for 2 episodes.

Evan Rachel Wood will play Sophie-Anne, the 500-year-old Vampire Queen of Louisiana. In the books, Sophie-Anne is a 15-year-old French girl when she becomes a vampire.

Evan Rachel Wood looks like she sleeps in a buried coffin and she has the acting skills of a human body devoid of all working organs, so this sounds like a match to me! I just hope they dub her voice. I gladly put up with Anna Paquin’s horrific cartoon-like Southern accent on that show, but I won’t stand for Evan Rachel’s! Bitch is probably going to sound like a Southern Count von Count. Dreadful!

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So Much For That Break

/ April 22, 2009

Didn’t say St. Angie say she was going to go away for a while, so she could raise her child army, tutor Jesus in the subject of tolerance and save a planet or something? Well, apparently her break is going to wait a little while longer, because St. Angie has agreed to play Dr. Kay Scarpetta in the film version of Patricia Cornwell’s best-selling book series.

I’ve never read Patricia’s books, but that’s what Wikipedia is for!

Dr. Kay Scarpetta was born in Miami, Florida. She is of Italian descent on both sides of her family, with the Scarpettas emigrating from Verona, Italy. She is blonde, and a sharp dresser, although always professional. In the early novels Scarpetta is the Chief Medical Examiner for the state of Virginia, and works in Richmond. She resigns after the events of The Last Precinct and relocates to Florida to become a private forensic consultant. Scarpetta returns to Virginia in Trace at the request of her replacement, Dr. Joel Marcus. In Predator, Scarpetta becomes the head of the National Forensic Academy in Hollywood, Florida, a private institution founded by her wealthy niece Lucy. In The Book of the Dead, Scarpetta has relocated as a freelance forensic examiner/expert to Charleston, South Carolina. In the most recent novel, Scarpetta, she has relocated to Massachusetts where she is an M.E but she and Benton also share an apartment in NYC.

St. Angie and the producers are currently meeting with writers. The movie won’t be based on any specific novel, but they hope to turn it into a franchise.

Basically, it sounds like this movie is going to consist of St. Angie aiming a gun, pouting her lips, giving sexyface, shaking uncontrollably while screaming about whatever and taking long pauses while she squints her eyes all intense-like. Rinse and repeat.

Honestly, this sounds like some “V. I. Warshawski” shit. And nothing gets better than that masterpiece of a movie.

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Cut To Basement Baby With A Guilty Look On Her Face

/ April 22, 2009

If your ear drums shriveled up and died after listening to the unedited board feed from Beyonce’s Today performance, it was all in vain. TMZ says it was all a big, fat joke (like most of the wigs laying on Beyonce’s head) and someone claims they doctored it for fun. The cookie crumbs totally lead through the basement door and down the stairs…..

The jokester said, “It’s a little bit crazy. No one in their right mind would sound like that, and no one would cheer for someone singing like that.”

Um….has he heard Kim Zolciak’s walrus warble? Wait. Maybe this is really her raw cover of “If I Were A Boy.” I hope it’s on the b-side of Tightrope.

Matthew Knowles isn’t laughing. He issued a pretty hilarious statement. Picture him reading this on the top of a mountain with a flag bearing the Knowles family mascot blowing in the background:

If no one took the time to look at the biggest Inauguration in the history of America then shame on them.

If no one took the time to listen to Beyonce sing ‘America the Beautiful’ and ‘At Last’ at the Neighborhood Ball for the first dance of President Obama and the First Lady, and they question Beyonce’s vocal ability, they’ve gotta be an idiot.

At 12 years into her career, the last thing someone should be questioning is her vocal ability.

That would be like questioning if Kobe Bryant could shoot a jump shot. The vocals were obviously altered.

You know what sounds altered? His fucking view of reality! Stick a bong in his mouth, so maybe he’ll see the light.

So, I guess it was all a hoax. I can’t wait until it’s revealed that the entire Knowles family is one big hoax. Put a hoax on it!

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