Jay Leno almost died today and had to be taken to the hospital. Not really, but he did have to go to the hospital for reasons only known by him and the ass specialist assigned to him. When hos go to the hospital and don’t say why, I figure it’s because they have the caca runs in an evil way. It would totally make sense with Jay. Jay is also being punished FOR THIS. The eyebrow gods bit him hard and cursed with the ‘rrea.

UsWeekly says Jay wasn’t feeling well earlier today, so he drove himself to the hospital in Burbank. He’s now resting at home, but tonight’s show has been axed. A repeat will air instead. You probably won’t even notice, but I will!

Jay was supposed to have that succulent chunk of maple syrup-covered Canadian bacon who goes by the name of Ryan Reynolds on tonight. I was all ready to sit through Jay’s yammering just so I could pinch at Ryan’s nipples on my screen, “I’m pinching yo nipples.”

Ryan was going to be on show to whore out that movie he’s doing with Sandra Bullock. The only thing I want to know is what percentage of the movie does Ryan have his tittays out? They should include that in the tagline on the poster, “The Proposal: With 85% Ryan Reynolds titty action.” That’s how you sell tickets.

The living and breathing (that’s unconfirmed) art installation that is Lady CaCa visited a museum in Paris today so that she could be around other works of high art. I think they immediately told her to leave, because she made the paintings cry in pain. They, like me, just don’t understand such high levels of true art.

Maybe I’m becoming completely desensitized by this bunny-toothed hag, but I don’t mind this outfit. Yes, I won’t be able to enjoy an ice cream cone for a while without thinking it was attached to this beast’s hooves, but other than that….. Oh wait, one more thing. I think the skirt probably looked better when it wasn’t poofed out like that. Lady CaCa couldn’t help it though. The hot air slowly seeping out of her ass made it balloon up.

It was hard for me to watch this video without knowing exactly why in Chester Cheetah dingle Hell Brit Brit is not the one eating the world’s largest Cheeto?! This I don’t understand. For some reason, Cheeto sent over the world’s largest block processed powdered cheese to Gizmodo. Adam took it upon himself to slowly devour the whole thing. If Brit Brit ever sees this, she might electrocute herself from licking the monitor so hard.

Seriously, maybe the world’s largest Cheeto looked too much like her lil’ Cheetolings right after they were born and she thought that was weird, so she turned it down? Because that deliciousness has her name written all over it. I’m not joking. If you look really close you can see her initials.

Anyway, Adam actually finished the whole thing. When he did, his mouth looked like he just licked on Prince Hot Ginge’s ass. I’m jealous!

(Thanks Rose)

Waterburned nalgas alert! Richard Branson and a nekkid chick go kitesurfing – Egotastic!

Vanessa Hudgens kind of forgot something – Hollywood Tuna

The Republican congressman with a six-pack doesn’t like the peen. So you know. – Towleroad

I spy a lil’ halo on St. Morticia’s belly – Just Jared

POOPY hates all fat people (except for Mario Batali) – Lainey Gossip

This could be the next cover of Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition – Popsugar

It’s not a sexy thing when your nasty ass skin perfectly matches your orange top (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Celebwhore nipple piercings galore – Cityrag

The big-tittied dumb dumb doesn’t know how to squat without taking a pee pee – Hollywood Rag

Before a rainbow came blowing out of Susan Boyle’s beautiful mouth on Britain’s Got Talent a couple of weeks ago, she told the judges that she was a virgin who can’t drive. No, she told the judges she had never been kissed or went out on a real date. Well, she was just making funnies! Susan told Extra’s Terri Seymour, “It was meant as a joke…I’ve got a wicked sense of humor, you know!” THAT SLUT!

Even though Susan has revealed that she’s pretty much the town tramp, she laughed off the rumor that she’s going to lose her cherry in a fuck film, “The one where I’m willing to take my clothes off for a million dollars…Really crazy!”

Susan won’t be doing any kind of eyebrow fetish movies anytime soon, but she is considering a million other offers, “The most exciting offer so far has been a trip to Hollywood to make a film…There is talk about it…It’s only rumors right now.”

Yes, Susan! Put your harlot ass on a plane and come to America! We will be married, so you can become an American citizen and immediately be submitted as a last minute contestant on American Idol! Your magical waterfall voice will knock the 50 tons of foundation right off of Adam Lambert’s face!

VIA HuffPo

John Mayer might have a new piece to keep his twitter warm after Jennifer Aniston Riverdanced all over his heart like the man-eating tramp she is (served with a heaping dollop of sarcasm.) Star Magazine says John has moved on from 40-year-old Jen to 23-year-old ex-buffalo wing server Scheana Marie Jancan.

Scheana serves drinkies at The Grand Havana Room and that’s where she met John. I’m sure it was love at first sight. Like that scene in West Side Story where Tony and Maria first meet. Picture that, but with more silicone and waaaaaay more Twittering.

The two chatted for a while before John asked for her number. Since then, they have hung out a few times and Scheana even spent a little time at John’s house. Scheana apparently told some source, “There is always food and beer around. Scheana said she has loads of fun there; it’s like spring break!” So basically she’s saying there’s booze-infused barf everywhere and a Creepy McCreepster with rapey-eyes hiding behind almost every corner? Sounds about right.

Scheana is a former Hooters waitress who has modeled for Ed Hardy and was a runner-up in a Hawaiian Tropic Pageant. Paging Sarah Larson! This trick right here stole your life.

Since this magical union will last forever, what should their couple name be? MaMa? ScheMohn?

And I would tell Scheana to immediately work on gold digging rule #3 “GET KNOCKED UP,” but she will probably have a hard time trying to conceive with a soppy tampon. The only thing Scheana will give birth to from fucking John Mayer is a big pile of extra-chunky clitty litter.