Behold! The new face of Burberry! Kate Moss who?!

Susan Boyle, the greatest singer in da world (side-eye from Celine), already had her eyebrows pruned, plucked, prodded and pricked. But now she left a salon near her home in Scotland yesterday with freshly cut, dyed and styled hair. Eeeee GADS! Now, now. Before you hang a white sheet on the wall and record yourself in front of it screaming, “LEAVE SUSAN BOYLE ALOOOOOONE,” take a look at her. She’s the same spinster cat lady who eats porridge out of old yogurt cups and dresses up her feline friend as Fred Astaire so she can dance around the room with him. She’s still the Jennifer Aniston of Scotland!

It’s not like Susan looks like fucking Megan Fox or anything. If she ever starts stuffing her lips with vegetable oil or shoves silicone-filled Hefty bags in her booby area, then you can begin eating your hair in frustration.

With her new mop, she totally looks like this sweet librarian at my old elementary school who drove a banana yellow Datsun and always mistook me for a girl. Whenever I checked out a book, she would always say “Thank you, little miss!” At the time, it was the greatest compliment I ever did hear!

Got Dayum! SPF is serving up a whole lot pose right here on a warm bed of fabulous. POSE. SNAP. HEART. CLASH. FACE. FLASH. BEAUTY. FACE. POSE. PINK. CRASH. FACE.

Homeboy is proving that he’s ready to take over the family business right now! By family business I don’t mean professional Frapp drinker or resident pink wig-wearer. I mean lip-synching FOR HIS LIFE while shaking his hips in front of thousands of Cheetoloonies. Move over Brit Brit, there’s a new Cheetoling coming to take your crown. GIT IT!

And I’m not sure why Brit Brit and her boys look like they were cut out using safety scissors and glued on that Candie’s background with Elmer’s, but it’s not about that. It’s about S-P-F. Wurq!

VIA Breathe Heavy

It’s getting to the point where Donatella Versace needs assistance walking the red carpet. – Dixiegirl

Runners-up:

About time the butler cleaned under Paris’ bed – NoAnjl

Impatienly, I fast forward to the conclusion of a “Curious Case of Ali Lohan” – La Profesora

Carcassas of moviegoers who watched “Mamma Mia!” still being discovered/removed from theatres. Ms. Streep has no comment. – justint

Source

The Yoga Supergranny! – 83-year-old Betty Calman of Australia is a yoga legend and has been teaching for 40 years. She still teaches 11 times a week and she does it all in a glamorous pink jumpsuit! Betty says she has no plans to give it all up for days filled with soap operas and Werther’s Originals anytime soon. Betty looks a trillion times better than Vadge and Fishsticks Paltrow combined.

Here’s a few pictures of Betty getting down. If I tried any of those poses, I’d probably bruise an organ or lose a bone. Well, except for the first. I’m pretty sure I can do that one.

Shirley MacLaine (75)
Kelly Clarkson (27)
Austin Nichols (29)
Danny Gokey (29)
Eric Balfour (32)
Derek Luke (35)
Melinda Clarke (40)
Dijmon Hounsou (45)
Cedric the Entertainer (45)
Captain Sensible (55)
Eric Bogosian (56)
Jean-Paul Gaultier (57)
Barbra Streisand (67)
Richard Donner (79)

Last month, the big-tittied frog shamed herself even more as the opening act on Rascal Flatt’s tour. Jessica Simpson celebrated the end of her career the tour by diving head first in the booze bottle and not coming out. This has her boyfriend, Tony Romo Ribs, all angry-like and shit.

A source told The National Enquirer, “Tony is fed up. She’s been pressuring him to marry her and have children, but he’s giving her a firm ‘no’ until she cleans up her act. Tony won’t even consider moving forward with Jess until she cuts back on partying.”

That’s gross. I don’t care how good a dude can dick you, if he says “It’s either me or the bo-,” drop the peen and proceed to the nearest exit. If it starts with a BO and he’s making you give it up, that’s not a good thing. It could be booze, Boones Farms, boobs, bongs, Booty Call (Vivica’s finest work), etc…. You should not stick around to find out what he’s making you quit!

Although, Jessica’s career is the Mother’s Circus Animal Cookie that has been rotting under my refrigerator for the past 6-months, so maybe she should tell Tony’s she’s off the sweet nectar and marry him to get her greasy hands on his cash. She could always fill a Listerine bottle with whiskey and chug it whenever Tony’s got his head turned. Money before booze. Papa Joe would give me a (click only if you want to cream your panties) TITTY DANCE for writing that. And then I’d have to call the authorities.