…and Obsessed is a crusty piece of weave glue off of Beyonce’s head! Beyonce’s soon-to-be multiple Razzie winning caca EXTRAVAGANZ-AAAAAA opens in theaters today. The movie wasn’t screened for critics, so reviews have barely started trickling in this morning and the consensus is that you should spend your $10 on more important things like four VIP front-row tickets (with backstage passes and open baked potato bar) to Solange’s concert in the basement or a Chia Pet.

Every review I’ve read so far has basically called it a wart on the ass of Basic Instinct 2 and this is exactly why I will probably be the only person in this country to pay actual cash money for this trash. And Papa Knowles using his Gold AMEX to buy thousands of movie tickets doesn’t count!

Here’s Beyonce at premiere in NYC last night. Beyonce is wearing House of Derrier’s 80s catch-all dress! It can take you from prom to wedding to funeral. It’s the only dress you’ll ever need……if you lived and died in the mid-80s.

The biggest famesluts who ever roamed this earth are getting married this weekend WITHOUT securing the exclusive picture rights with a celebrity weekly. If Twit and Twat do ANYTHING and a tabloid isn’t there to capture the queef-inducing moment, did it really happen? Shallow thoughts.

MSNBC’s The Scoop says that UsWeekly, People, InTouch, Life & Style, the Summer’s Eve marketing department and Horse & Hound all refused to pay the amount these two fart bubbles wanted. The only magazine that offered up anything was OK!, but Heidi and Spencer turned that deal down. Instead, they are going to get a photo agency to take all the pictures which they will sell to all the weeklies. A source said, “They’d rather be on page 50 of Us, People, In Touch or Life & Style than be on the cover of a magazine like OK! that isn’t going to sell. They need to make money, and so does the magazine. The formula is changing.”

If anybody pays more than a crotch nugget for this puketorial, then they paid too much! Besides, this wedding is going to be as real as the first one. The last time I checked, a peroxide-eating dildo and a special needs dwarf pony couldn’t legally get married in California.

And if anybody has Mother Nature’s weekend phone number, please call her up and let that bitch know we’re going to need an F5 tornado to crash that party.

Back in the day when caveman roamed the Earth, Larry King could change his own diaper and the internet was still a toddler, there was a thing called GeoCities. GeoCities was a place where everyone could go and build their own website in a quick minute for free. Actually, it probably took a few hours, because of that dial-up crap. Well, GeoCities is now dead. A truly sad day on the world wide webs.

GeoCities took my webmaster cherry and turned me into the full-blown webmaster WOMAN I am today. Sadly, I couldn’t find my old site and don’t even remember what it was about. I didn’t cuddle with it as much as I should have, because I spent most of my time doing ho shit in AOL chat rooms. Memories.

Yahoo! announced that they will be closing GeoCities at the end of the year leaving millions without an internet home! So you better get your fix of Karyn White, Jeremy Jordan and Tony! Toni! Tone! fansites before they go away forever!

You will be missed GeoCities!

VIA Gizmodo

Kate Moss woke up at 6pm the other day and thought to herself, “Tonight, I want to look like the lounge singer love child of an episode of Star Trek from the 80s and the movie Xanadu as seen through the eyes of Sasha Fierce.” Balmain granted Kate’s wish and she thanked them by ripping that shit up at 4am after a night of saucing and snorting. Although, maybe Kate’s drunktardian ways had nothing to do with her wrecking that dress. I mean, she was in the company of an extral-large vanillasicle milkshake. David Walliams’ hotness will make any ho split their pants, panties, dress and ass. Bitch can give you an extra ass crack!

Look at the last thumbnail below. David caught a glimpse of his sexiness in the rear-view mirror which caused him to jizz his own pants. Even he is not safe.

During Brit Brit’s “I Kin Move Mah Lips An’ Wave Mah Hans” show in Oakland the other night, one of her extensions broke free of the track and made a break for it. Methinks it took the line “out of my head” as its cue. The extension is now on a Greyhound bus to Miami where it plans to shake the jerky dust off of itself. It won’t go far, though. When it crosses through Atlanta, Kim Zolciak’s mangy beast wig will trap that ho and make it parts of its harem.

It’s totally weird, but nothing makes me more happy than seeing a busted ass weave track or extension lying on the street. It confirms to me that broke down skank hos still exist in the real world and that makes me happy.

P.S. – What in Monday-to-Friday Helsinki is going on in that clip? It’s like a scene out of HBO’s Real Sex from the 80s.

VIA TMZ

File this under: The crackpipe calling the hep stick WHITE TRASH. That made no sense, but just take a bong hit and roll with it. My one brain cell is on Saturday mode.

So, Courtney Love took a break from barfing up all her whippit-infused schizo thoughts on Twitter, to talk to Page Six about the current state of Pamela Anderson. CLove said, “Pam Anderson doesn’t even have a credit card. And she lives in Paradise Cove — which is in Malibu, but it’s a trailer park in Malibu.”

Doesn’t Courtney Love have a credit score of like negative infinity, because “mysterious thieves” (aka her nostrils) ransacked Kurt Cobain’s estate and stole millions upon millions of dollars? Court can’t even get one of those fake credit cards they send you in junk mail. And if she did, you know that crazy would try to use it! CLove needs to stop! You know that bitch is temporarily living in the septic tank under the toilet in Pamela’s Malibu trailer. Stop putting on airs!