HA! Of The Day

/ May 12, 2009

Drunk dialing: every bitch does it! We’ve all had too much of the sweet stuff which causes us to pick up the phone and moan to an ex about how they killed our dreams and stomped on our hearts. After they hang up on us, we call them back and beg for their forgiveness and cry about how we didn’t mean all that. When they hang up on us a second time, we call again and tell them we hope their penis gets caught in the conveyor belt at the airport baggage claim. True story, I’ve used that line before during a drunk dialing session. Blame Jack Daniels. My point is, that we’ve all done that shit! Even Brad Pitt! Now Magazine (via Showbiz Spy) claims Brad has been booze calling Jennifer Aniston. Yes, go ahead and stick a label marked “LAUGHS” on this shit.

One source (point your finger at Norman) barked, “She was initially taken aback — especially as he sounded drunk and sorry for himself. He told her he misses her and that he’s sorry for any hurt caused. Jen being Jen immediately told him she’d never held a grudge against him and would welcome them being friends again, so long as she doesn’t have to be friends with Angelina. He agreed. Before the call, Brad hardly ever spoke to Jen and the relationship was strained. But this phone conversation broke the ice and opened the lines of communication once more.

There’s only one way to check if this is true. Call Jennifer Aniston. If a slurry-voiced Brad Pitt is her voicemail message, hold song and ringtone, then you know this shit is fact. Because Jenny would never keep it to herself. And you know she calls herself, sticks her phone on her crotch area and lets Brad’s drunk warble rock her world.

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The Guido Kingdom Is Going Into Foreclosure

/ May 12, 2009

Victoria GAUDY’s Long Island mafia castle is going into foreclosure, because her raggedy ass owes $650,000. The Gottis lived in the mansion during filming of Growing Up Gotti. The New York Daily News says that Victoria hasn’t made one single payment to Chase in over two years. The six-acre property is listed at $3 million, marked down from $4 million. The bodies buried in the backyard are included!

Victoria blames the whole thing on her ex-husband, Carmine Agnello. She said that he took a $856,000 loan against the house with her knowing about it. Victoria went on to yap, “I won a house that was a booby prize riddled with debt.

This mess would’ve been easily averted! The Gottis should’ve stopped using hairspray, bronzer, fake tan diarrhea, peroxide and lip gloss for one week and they would’ve have enough money saved to pay off the damn bank! I almost added “eyebrow waxing” to that list, but that should always be priority #1!

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Morning Wood

/ May 12, 2009

Nekkid memaws galore! It’s the 10th anniversary of the Calendar Girls Celebitchy

And by “do” she means “fuck” – ICYDK

Justin Gaston and his meaty footlong – Socialite Life

Paula Abdul better hope that’s not a crazy-sniffing dog too – SOW

Quentin Tarantino or a skinny K.D. Lang? – I’m Not Obsessed

Unnecessary shit: Coats for guinea pigsUrlesque

Only Peaches Geldof has the power to make a delicious milkshake look like doody – Holy Moly!

Lady CaCa talking about the “Titty Glitter Dance” makes my stomach do the “Purgy Mambo” – The Bastardly

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Brooke Defends Kief

/ May 12, 2009

When Kiefer Sutherland’s hos said that he head smashed a trick in defense of Brooke Shields, her people issued some statement saying they had no idea what the hell Kief was blabbing about. Well, now Brooke has slid over to Kiefer’s side and is saying he SAVED HER LIFE. Sort of. Brooke’s lawyer told Gatecrasher, “While at the after-party at SubMercer, Brooke was bumped into by Jack McCollough, and Kiefer Sutherland became concerned. Kiefer has always been a gentleman in her company.” Some source added that Jack most likely shoved Kief first and that’s what caused him to get all Jack Bauer on a ho.

Kief was charged with third-degree assault and his lawyers are trying to prove that he wasn’t in the wrong in this situation. But one of his Kief’s former co-stars isn’t so sure, because of his history with the sweet sweet nectar that is BOOZE. They said that when Kief gets a drop on his tongue, he turns into a raging alkie monster!

They said that one time they were on a 45-minute private jet ride and watched Kief devour 6 cocktails, “He was so bombed, he got violent and threatened bodily harm to another individual on the plane.” Um. I bet if you ripped open the jacket of the individual he threatened, you’d find a bomb strapped to his torso. Kief was just doing what he does!

Why can’t people just let Kief BE GREAT! Seriously. Yeah, he needs a few dozen boilermakers in his system in order to be great, but just let him!

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What Went Wrong With The Romance Of This Generation?

/ May 12, 2009

All the cherubs in heaven called in sick today, because they are still devastated over the news that Katie Price and Peter Andre’s orange love has gone rotten. What really went wrong? Did Katie finally catch Peter peen-handed? What? What? What? Well, according to The Sun, these pictures were the jizz load that broke the whore’s back.

After Peter saw pictures of Katie with her overgrown kumquats out, he immediately asked for divorce. Peter could no longer take seeing Katie rubbing her tittays all over random dudes. Um. Honestly, Peter’s glitter box probably started percolating upon first sight of this dude in the picture above, so he should know better. I’m pretty sure that dude is a certified dick lover.

A few hours after Peter released the heartbreaking (not really) statement to the world, Katie Price released her own:

“Pete is the love of my life and my life, we have children together and I am devastated and disappointed by Peter’s decision to separate and divorce me. As I married him for life. This is not what I want and the decision has been taken out of my hands.”

Last night, Katie fled Britain with Princess Tiamamamammaiaiamaia and Junior in tow. Katie left Harvey behind with the nanny. WHAT IN THE FUCK SHIT FUCK WHAT HUH FUCK WHAT. Katie left Harvey behind?! Bitch has really lost. All the silicone, collagen, jizz and fake tanning grease finally seeped into her brains, because Harvey should be her everything. Without Harvey, she’s nothing! Hearing that she left behind that precious angel hurts my soul more than her staged divorce. Harvey, I weep for you!!!

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Where Was A Tsunami When We All Needed One?

/ May 12, 2009

Pour a little battery acid in your Sanka and drink up, because you’re going to need it to deal with this skanktardian pig shit! Jesus-loving Christian Heidi Montag has a new broke ass home video out for her single “Blackout.” The title is fitting since Twit & Twat are in a permanent blackout.

This video makes Girls Gone Wild look like it was directed by Cecil B. DeMille. This cacaness ain’t even worth a box of Canels. Heidi can’t even do jazz hands, right!

They made this shit in Mexico, so I was going to make a joke about the oinky ills, but even the swine flu wouldn’t get near these two assholes. It said, “I’ll fucking pass” and moved right along.

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