Looks who’s protecting Jacko…. It’s Quween of the Scene! Noted and documented! And I think she’s checking to make sure her own nose didn’t quit her ass after gazing at Jacko’s butchered mug.

Anyway, Jacko has sold out 50 shows over in London and that is not what the Kind of the Crypt signed up for. Jacko is so angry he could fart through his butt chin!

Jacko slithered out of a dance studio in Los Angeles the other told and told his fans that he doesn’t know if he can go on with all 50 shows. Jacko said (read this in his “sweet memaw with the whispers” voice), “Thank you for your love and support, I want you guys to know I love you very much. I don’t know how I’m going to do 50 shows. I’m not a big eater – I need to put some weight on. I’m really angry with them booking me up to do 50 shows. I only wanted to do 10, and take the tour around the world to other cities, not 50 in one place I went to bed knowing I sold 10 dates, and woke up to the news I was booked to do 50.”

Jacko should’ve sucked on a bottle filled with Jesus Juice (with a dash of protein powder) and kept his precious vagina lips shut! If he’s too fragile to thrust his bones, he could bring in a team of doppelgangers to perform in his place. Paging LaToya Jackson, Teri Hatcher, Lynne from The Real Housewives of Orange County and the female skeleton from my 7th grade science class! Your services are needed in London! Not one bitch would flinch. Truth.

VIA The Sun

Because I have no self-respect, I spent 2 hours of my life watching the premiere of I’m A Famewhore…. Give Me Relevance last night. I really should’ve spent that time splashing my face with expelled douche water, because that’s what it felt like. It was Spencer Twatt trying to out-douche himself over and over again. Meanwhile, Horsey Montag killed the jungle animals with her crying face of death. When she wasn’t doing that, she was spraying her polyester mane with some kind of dry shampoo I guess she’s trying to hawk. It probably smells like dehydrated butt nuggets, hot period juice and burnt fleshbeard.

And what about that prayer with Patti Blagojevich?! If you felt a rumbling down below, that was Satan laughing at that mess.

But the biggest asshole quote was when Spencer said that if they quit, their charities wouldn’t suffer that much, because they chose the biggest ones. The sad part is that their shitnanigans proved to be the most entertaining part of the show. I really hate myself for falling for their fakery like that. But there’s good news! I might be able to look at myself in the mirror again, because TMZ says Twit and Twat have quit the show for real this time after all their threats!

A source says that following the live part of the show last night, the two dumb boxes of pube hair walked the hell out. Apparently, they didn’t come back. Unfortunately, that means they are coming to the States alive. Well, unless the producers care about humanity and blend them down into one of Sanjay’s “protein shakes.” They are both the color of yellow sperm, so Sanjaya wouldn’t even know the difference.

Glamberace’s partner in peen is trying to kill us with his *fierceness*!!! Sasha Fierce, go take a nap, because the real diva of the world has officially arrived and he brought his A GAME! Look at that bitch working the pap trail like he’s on the catwalk of RuPaul’s Drag Race! Git it, gurlfwend! Show us who farts the most glitter in that relationship.

You know, Glamberace is supposed to grace the cover of Rolling Stone’s “No Fucking Duh” issue in August, but methinks his boyfriend is the one who needs to be doing all the posing for the cameras. With a face like that, he should be on every cover. If Shia LaBeouf and a gay-faced bobcat from the 1980s had a meth baby….. Stun. Ning.

Here’s a little video of the magical unicorn leading a ferocious pixie through the mob of paps in West Hollywood last night.

I never even heard about Spectacular from Pretty Ricky before he started grinding his shit all over the internet and I doubt I’m alone. Obviously, since his music career has flat-lined, Spectacular is trying to become the premiere ass shaker of YouTube. Jessica Simpson, take note!

In his encore performance, Spectacular continues to serve up laughs and dry heaves by violating a chair. I can almost see tears streaming down that chair’s leg when Spectacular starts dry humping that shit. I think I even see lipstick on him!!! CHAIR ABUSE! Seriously, what in the rent-to-own Hell is he doing to that poor chair! He’s trying to make little chair babies with that thing. He’s even doing ass-to-mouth with it! It did not sign up for this! We really have to start protecting our chairs, because this will never be right.

The unprotected fuckery starts at the 1:30 mark in the video below.

Lady CaCa says she wants to turn her suffocated pussay into a cherry picker and go a’pluckin’ in Jonas Land. During an interview with the Daily Star (via Press Association), the performance fartist said, “I love the Jonas Brothers, they’re very talented, I met them once, I’d like to have a foursome with them.”

Herm. I’m pretty sure that the moment one of the Jonas Brothers stuck their purity poles into Lady CaCa’s chocharonie would be God’s cue to hit the button. The world has suffered enough.

Although, maybe a Jonas/CaCa fuck party wouldn’t be such a bad thing. I mean, those three little twinkies would limp out of there with their Disney-owned nutsacks in one hand and their decapitated wangs in the other. No pro-creating for them! We all win.

But seriously, you know the Jonas Twinks have had more panty action than Lady CaCa. Purity schmurity.

Red Lobster’s newest Lunch special: Fish N Bitch. – starvis

Runners-up:

I forget, which one has its eggs fertilized outside the womb?? – Provolone

Catch of the Day meets Cunt of the Year. – LizzieBitch

“jesus-h-christ,” said the tuna, “now I’m going to have katebreath.” – Deusex

Splash