I am directing the above comment at myself for continuing to feed the famewhores. Yes, I’ve read the signs outside of their cages and my mother even told me that throwing them crumbs will only make things worse. The first step is admitting it, right? Actually, I think the first step should be slapping the caca out of me. Dear Mah Boo, my face is ready to be slapped by your hand… or silvah peen.

This is supposedly Twit & Twat arriving at LAX last night after leaving the jungles of Costa Rica and the set of I’m A Stupid Fuck…Oh Who Cares About This SHIT! Or is it them? E! says that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are actually still in Costa Rica and will make their grand return to the show tonight. Their prayers to Jesus were answered and the producers took them back after they begged.

So this is just some lame stunt created by the producers to get us to believe that the two dick farts are back in the States. Really? This is the best they could do. There’s no way Heidi and Spencer would ever cover their b-holes faces up with that many cameras around. It’s against their nature! They hear a flash and their famewhoring gene immediately takes over. It’s just like how the sound of someone unzipping forces me to my knees. I’m a total mess in dressing rooms.

And try not spit up any of the sweet nectar out of shock when Twit & Twat’s “surprising return” is revealed tonight. Again, I’m directing that comment at myself, because I’m the only dumb bitch who watches this suck show.

Before LeAnn Rimes goes to bed at night, she pops the cum bubble from her husband’s ass, then she goes into her garage, lights the candles around her Eddie Cibrian altar and sings a haunting acoustic version of “How Do I Live Without You? (Your Wife Must Die)” while sticking hot razors into a Brandi Glanville voodoo doll. That’s what Eddie Cibrian’s wife, Brandi Glanville, is saying. Basically. Brandi told UsWeekly that LeAnn Rimes is obsessed with her husband. I didn’t see LeAnn Rimes disguised as a pile horse doody just to get close to the object of her erection, so Brandi needs to re-evaluate her use of the term “obsessed.” Moving on….

A couple of months ago, there were rumors going around that LeAnn and Eddie were doing it on the down low. They denied it, but now Brandi is saying that LeAnn is stalking her man. If you see a car with an “Attention: Can I Get Some?” bumper sticker, that’s Brandi. Wave hello and shout out the lyrics to “Can’t Fight the Moonlight.”

Brandi tells Us, “LeAnn is a stalker. She refuses to leave us alone — it is shameful and scary. People are going to say it takes two to tango and I get that, but at some point LeAnn needs to stop asking him to dance.” And by “dance,” Brandi means FUCK TILL THE BREAK OF DAWN.

Carry on Brandi… “I’m a happy wife fighting for what I have. LeAnn is so desperate for fame she has left her self-respect in the gutter and doesn’t care who she hurts to get what she wants. She’s hurting my family and messing with the wrong mom.”

LeAnn’s spokeswhore did not comment, but a friend of hers snapped his fingers and got all sassy with his response, “Eddie and Brandi are both on the record on this and LeAnn has kept quiet, so what does that tell you about who is after fame and press?”

What I’m hearing is that Eddie did light up LeAnn’s vagina at least one time and she just can’t let go of the peen. Instead of putting on her money-handling gloves and taking as much coin from Eddie as she can, Brandi’s off blabbing to a tabloid. Yeah, Eddie might not have much bacon in the bank, but that’s not the point. Brandi is fighting the wrong battle. She should be working on taking the cash and cashing the check!

When Hairy met Sally – -ohmy-

Runners-up:

Unable to afford proper implants, Maria had her husband’s upper ass grafted onto her chest. – bjonesing

Simon Cowell and Susan Boyle’s marriage shocked everyone, but their children were surprisingly stunning. – BobsBB

Looks like the last guy who motorboated didn’t make it out alive. – Sweetas

VIA Crunk + Disorderly (Thanks Kelly)

Danielle Staub (aka Beverly Merrill) – The coke-whoring, kidnapping stripper turned “good person” from The Real Housewives of New Jersey

Anderson Cooper (42) (Note: Yes, that is my arm around Mah Boo. I have a lot of freckles… and my hair was long then…. and I like gold necklaces)
James Purefoy (45)
Melissa Mathison (59)
Suzie Quatro (59)
Deniece Williams (59)
John Dykstra (62)
Tony Curtis (84)

The Daily Mail has a long sadful tale of Amy Wino’s downward spiral in St. Lucia. For those of you have the attention span of a crackhead with ADD, I’ll give it to you quick. Basically, Wino isn’t doing shit down. The label sends hos down there to listen to her new shit and they aren’t impressed. Wino says she still loves Blaaaaake, but is happy that he’s having a baby with another bird. Wino is over crack, but she’s now cuddling up to a new poison: TEQUILA!!!!!!!!!!! Did somebody say tequila?????

The reporter from the DM caught up with her one morning at her hotel bar. Wino was on her second tequila shot by 9 in the morning. This was considered a slow morning for Wino, because usually she would’ve gulped her 6th shot by then. The bartender wouldn’t give her a third and instead served her a cup of chamomile tea. When the bartender walked away for a second, Wino jumped back there and had a quickie with the tequila bottle. When the bartender came back, Wino asked for another shot. Her request was denied, but the Wino was not defeated. She kept sneaking shots whenever the bartender shuffled away for a second.

The entire resort knows about Wino’s tequila addiction. The maids are regularly sent out to buy more whenever Wino has downed their entire stock. Mitch Wino was looking after his daughter, but when she started going at the booze in a major way, he ran back to England. Mitch said, “I’ve decided to distance myself, and whatever happens, happens. It’s her life and it’s her decision.”

Yes, Wino is still a mess, but my question is why is in St. Lucia? If homegirl has the major thirsties for tequila why isn’t she down in Mexico? In certain parts of Mexico, tequila comes out of the faucets. Even some of the toilets are filled with tequila. That makes it extra easy to drop and reload! I’m pretty sure that if they ever run out of tequila down there the entire country will be shut down, so that’s not even an option. Listen to me. I’m a total enabler. But we are talking about tequila here.

Here’s the tequila fiend with her new alkie apprentice in St. Lucia yesterday.