It’s A Jon & Kate World

/ June 3, 2009

While you are waiting in line to buy Strawberry Hill and rubbers at the grocery store this week, you might notice that the art wall near the checkout stand will be completely covered with Jon & Kate. That will be your cue to put a condom over your eyes and down that entire bottle right then and there.

Jon & Kate’s never-ending train of fuckery is not slowing down. They have made 5 covers this week. Kate’s rogue belly button made 4. It’s also the fourth (or hundredth) time they are on UsWeekly. Here’s what each weekly has to say for themselves:

InTouch: JON & KATE ARE OVER. Todd Cruz, the second cousin of a drug dealer of the brother of a bartender who sometimes serves Jon drinks (just pretend that made sense), said, “They’re married, but it’s for the show. He explained it to us at the bar. He said he was completely miserable and the marriage was pretty much done.”

UsWeekly: KATE IS A MEANIE BIRD. While on vacation in North Carolina, Kate bitched out her kids and hardly spent any time with them when the weren’t cameras on her. A witness said, “When Kate sat on the edge of the pool, she told one of [the twins], ‘If you splash me, you’re dead meat. She was not joking at all.” Another ho said, “Everyone that’s encountered her says she’s been rude, mean and hateful.

Star: KATE FUCKS GUYS WITH CORVETTES. Kate’s ex-fiance, Adam Miller, said he felt pressured to marry her, but broke that shit off when she cheated on him with a guy who owned a Corvette. Adam said, “She was always chasing the money.” And he also said something very interesting, “We’d eat mostly hamburgers, fries, Cheetos. A typical night out was at Ruby Tuesday’s!” That should’ve been Star’s cover right there: KATE EATS CHEETOS.

People: JON QUOTES A DONNA SUMMER/BARBARA STREISAND DUET. Jon says he’s sick of all the tabloids ruining his life and says he is not whoring out his kids, “Exploited? I don’t even want to use that word, because I think it’s ridiculous.” Jon is ready to quit the show if his children aren’t happy.

And the cover of every tabloid next week will be…… IS KATE REGULAR? Spoiler Alert: Kate is permanently constipated.

(Images VIA Cover Awards)

Read more…
SHARE

Open Post: Hosted By Jan Kraus & The Swinging Beauties

/ June 3, 2009

Jan Kraus must have been so hypnotized by the clapping from the audience at the Miss 2009 competition, because he didn’t notice the giant gaping hole the size of Wonky McValtrex’s vagina.

I love how the two hot bitches on the swings don’t even care that Jan might be dead or bleeding to death in the hole! They were assigned an important job and that is to entertain the crowd with their impressive swinging skills. They will not be distracted!

VIA Fail Blog

Read more…
Tags:
SHARE

The God And Goddess Of Heaven And Earth Have Split Up!!!!!

/ June 3, 2009

Hmmmm…At least that’s what The National Enquirer is saying, but it’s not raining outside. If this was true, God, the angels and the saints above would not stop weeping ever. They would flood the planet with their tears and we’d be forced to live in underwater cities. Actually, that sounds kind of hot. But I digress.

The Enquirer is saying that it’s totally and completely over between St. Angie Jo and BENJAMIN BUTTON’S. Some source said that Brad is spending his time in California while Angie finishes that movie about white grains in New York. When she finishes filming, she’s going to take her child army to France. A source called it an “OFFICIAL” split. They went on to yap, “Brad and Angelina will make appearances together from time to time, and he’ll meet up with the kids when he can. But make no mistake, this is a major split.”

The source said that the straw that broke the Angie’s back — Wait, a piece of straw could totally break her back, right? Like literally. Okay, back to the source. They said that Brangie’s last moment together at the Cannes Film Festival was completely staged. They acted all lovely for the cameras, but they were both “over it” on the inside. That’s when Angie gave Brad his nuts back and send him on his way.

The National Enquirer has been right before, but if this shit was true, they would devote an entire issue to this. Shit, they would change their name to BRANGIE IS DEAD Enquirer.

In other news, a crazed woman wearing a baseball cap, sunglasses and a t-shirt with the words “You Are So Uncool” written on the front was seen buying every copy of The Enquirer and muttering to herself “Take that, Maddox. Take that, Maddox….

Read more…

Morning Wood

/ June 3, 2009

This is how Scarecrow Reeves scowls at a bottle of shampoo too – SOW

Chicaboo got into a fight with a bowl of peroxide and lost – Holy Moly!

Kendra poses in front of her future employer – The Bastardly

It’s too bad the robber didn’t steal those fugly shoes Eminem’s wearing too – Celebitchy

Kate Gosselin before her signature beaver dyke ‘do – Popeater

This is the closest Zachary Quinto will ever get to a pussay strip – Socialite Life

Evan Rachel Wood has upgraded – I’m Not Obsessed

It’s time to feed me to the hongray wolves, because I actually agree with Spencer TwattICYDK

Read more…
Tags:
SHARE

It’s All About The Hair

/ June 3, 2009

Purdy Zac Efron showed up to the premiere of The Hangover in Hollywood looking like he was suffering from one. Zac wants us to think he that just rolled off of his satin Barbie bedspread, but you know he spent hours perfecting his pucker and coif in front of his Illumina lighted makeup mirror. Preciousness like this takes time!

Your insides may be screaming “Cut yo hair! You look like Carol Brady!,” but calm yourself. Zac Efron is HIS HAIR. It’s all of him!!! If you cut it, he would melt down into a puddle of lukewarm bronzer and L.A. Looks mousse.

If his mop was butchered, it wouldn’t be the same when he flirtatiously flips it while laughing at one of Leonardo DiCaprio’s jokes. And his hair wouldn’t blow in the wind like Christie Brinkley in National Lampoon’s Vacation when he’s speeding down the highway. Don’t take that away from him!

And I feel like it’s high time Salon Selectives remakes this commercial starring Zac Efron.

And now you will join me by having this song stuck in your brains for the rest of the week. Saaaaaalon glo-oh!

Read more…
Tags:
SHARE

Sabrina The 33-Year-Old Bitch?

/ June 3, 2009

Last week, Melissa Joan Hart prayed a million times that Farrah Fawcett would not go off to heaven. And not because the earth would be without one more angel, but because she wanted to be on the cover of People Magazine so desperately. Thoughts like that should be saved for your conversations with Satan.

Page Six says that while promoting her candy store at KTLA’s studios in Los Angeles, Melissa Joan Hart was overheard telling someone off-camera that she hoped Farrah wouldn’t die, so she could stay on the cover of the magazine. Farrah’s death would’ve knocked off her off.

Melissa should have worried less about Farrah and more about what the Photoshop artistes would do to her. Maybe if she did that, she wouldn’t have a serious case of the jaggeds and her hair wouldn’t look like Kim Zolciak’s winter merkin.

Read more…

src="https://c.statcounter.com/922697/0/f674ac4a/1/"
alt="drupal analytics" >