Fishy Oil

/ June 5, 2009

Fishstick Paltrow slithered onto the Tonight Show last night to barf about the all-knowing GOOP, but it was her greasy bones that got all the attention. During the first part of her talk with Conan, Fishy was all oiled up. Bitch’s legs looked like two malnourished dildos covered in Crisco. Tommy Girl must have not been in town, because he would stormed the set and shoved her legs up his Scientolohole.

I’m guessing Fishy’s stems were like that, because the wet oily POOP she’s full of was starting to leak out of her pores when she started to talk. It happens often. One of her slaves must have wiped it up with an organic cashmere baby wipe during the commercial break, because her legs were caca grease free in the second part. Below is a clip of her slimy stems in motion:


SoupSoup
VIA Gawker

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Lance Armstrong Is A Daddy Again

/ June 5, 2009

Lance Armstrong’s girlfriend, Anna Hansen, popped out a baby and he has already made his internet debut. Last night, Lance’s new son Max Twittered about his birth and even posted a picture of himself. Max: “Wassup, world? My name is Max Armstrong and I just arrived. My Mommy is healthy and so am I!

You know, whenever I go see a friend or relative who has just had a baby it’s usually the same thing. They hold up their week old ball of preciousness and say to me, “Isn’t he/she the most cutest baby you’ve ever seen?” I clear my throat, blink several times, think of fluffy kittens frolicking in the fields and then lie my ass off by saying, “DUH! Of course!” For me, most newborns look like they are going to grab you with their claws, climb on your head and eat your brains before retreating to their home planet. Which makes sense since they’ve been living in another human’s body for 9 months! It’s all kind of science fiction-like. It takes them a couple of weeks to settle in and get all the womb meat out of their eyes.

And Max is already a genius, because he’s not even a week old and he already knows how to Twitter! Blowing my mind.

VIA People

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The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For June 4th!

/ June 5, 2009

“I never shoulda fucked that whore Goldilocks without a rubber.” – christine the hoff

Runners-up:

Chuey was forced to wear his second choice outfit to the swap meet because he couldn’t find his Three Wolves Moon T-Shirt. – DeeDee

Consequences of the economical crisis: Kate Gosselin’s hair having to take upon the job of babysitting. – Sofi

VIA Cracked (Thanks BB)

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

/ June 5, 2009

Kate Gosselin’s hair has been captured! Free Kate’s hair! Free! Free! Free it! No. Surprisingly, this creature hasn’t been anywhere near Kate’s head. This is the Hansard Possum and he’s been wreaking havoc at Parliament House in Australia. HP has been breaking in, stealing food belonging to staff members and caca-ing on the floor. He usually chills in the Hansard Department which is how he got his name.

They have caught and evicted his ass several times, but the crafty possy keeps coming back! So they decided to build a little house for him in the back on a fig tree. They give him bananas every day. For some reason, there’s a law that states he can’t be moved to the bush. It’s estimated that it has cost taxpayers around $2585 to keep this bitch in check. The building manager said, “We are not going to evict him and leave him, we are trying to look after him. He has a possum house, we keep it topped up with fruit. He loves bananas.

Yeah, they think he’s going to stay in the back in his stupid little house away from everyone, but he won’t! Look into his eyes. He will get revenge by eating your apples when you’re not looking or going doody on your documents when you’ve left the room. The HP Possum will not be ignored!

(For Elizabeth)

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Every Step You Take

/ June 4, 2009

When SamRo is walking down the street in London and hears the splappity slap of vagina lips behind her, she better book it because a certain fauxmosexual is coming to git her!

The Daily Mail is saying that HoHan has followed SamRo to London in a bid to win her back (aka to get her to put a little love in her checking out). HoHan apparently scheduled photo shoots and club appearances in London for the same dates SamRo would be in town. SamRo’s snatch isn’t exactly smiling over the news.

Last night, SamRo and her brother Mark were at Bungalow 8 when HoHan blew in with her friends. It wasn’t all hugs and titty rubs, because SamRo busted out of there. Two quick snorts later, HoHan left Bungalo 8 and followed SamRo down the road.

Since parting ways back in April, the two twatty bumpers haven’t been photographed together, but HoHan has been seen leaving SamRo’s pad in Los Angeles a couple of times. The plot thins yet again!

SamRo is due to be in London for about a week and you better believe HoHan will stay in town for at least that long. Meanwhile, SamRo better sleep with a bar of soap near her bed to ward off the Lohans. They don’t get near the stuff.

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