Back when Brit Brit’s crazy was out in the open (those were the days), she shot a video for Gimme More that was financed with a couple of WIC coupons. It was the video where Brit looked like a professional twat shaker who accepts Camel cash and bags of Hot Fries as tips. Well, the News of the World claims these are “NEVER BEFORE SEEN” pictures of Brit from that video with her uncensored Cheetoronis out. It’s Cheeto vu for me, because I feel like I’ve seen this before. Or maybe I’m just confusing Brit Brit’s chichi knobs with the roasted corn salad I had last week. Herm.

It was a smart move for Brit to cover up her nipples with those classy fake rose tattoos. It just makes the whole look much more elegant and sophisticated. Ka-dooz to Brit for that!

Evan Rachel Wood and Shane West played siblings on Once & Again and now they are bumping fuck parts. Cut to Sela Ward giving them a shank eye.

Last night, Evan and Shane left Bardot in West Hollywood holding each other’s hands. This is a bizarre coupling, right?. If they didn’t know each other from the past, I’d guess their drug dealer set them up. Evan looks like a rejected extra from the Chicago movie and Shane looks like he’s been keeping busy giving hand jobs for crank money on Santa Monica Blvd. The two don’t go.

That being said, a day shift gay hustler with a rock hard methface is still better than Marilyn Manson.

Heidi Montag was rushed to a hospital in Costa Rica yesterday after she started “convulsively throwing up” after spending one full day with Spencer Pratt in a dark room. You do the math. If you were stuck in a confined space with that dingle berry, you’d probably dry heave so much that you’d turn inside out.

Twit & Twat were sent to “The Lost Chamber” by the producers of I’m A Fucktard….. Why The Hell Are People Paying Attention To Me? as a way to redeem themselves for quitting the show. They were given cots to sleep on, water to drink and rice and beans to eat. Peep at their quarters here. It kind of looks like my first apartment, only cleaner.

TMZ says that after the 24 hours were up, Heidi was so sick that she was taken to the hospital where doctors diagnosed her with a “gastric ulcer.” Is “gastric ulcer” Costa Rican doctor talk for “chronic famewhore-itis“? Or maybe bitch got dry shampoo poisoning.

Heidi has been released and is currently on meds. Apparently, Twit & Twat want off the show for good now, but they signed a tiny little thing called “a contract.” Spencer has fired his lawyer for telling him to stay on the show and now he’s threatening to sue NBC.

Some of the cast members are trying to get off the show, but their passports have been held hostage. Wait. Is this some genius plan concocted by the US Government and NBC to rid this country of our biggest pieces of trash? Why oh why didn’t they lure Katherine Heeeeigl down there with a carton of Reds or CHERYL BURKE with a stack of buttery pancakes. WHY?! Naw. This smells, tastes and looks like a publicity stunt. This whole thing has probably been scripted from the beginning and I bet they aren’t even in Costa Rica. They are probably shooting this on the Gilligan’s Island set at Universal Studios.

That being said, I will be tuning in on Monday night to see how this fakery plays out….. Why do I hate myself so much? I need to be hugged by a “Hang in There” poster.

I hope you’re up on all your shots, because we’re about to spend a little time with Dreamboat Doherty. You might want to hold your breath too…just in case. So, it feels like it’s been forever since Dreamy took part in one of his favorite activities: getting arrested. Dreamy just loves the feeling of cold steel handcuffs around his wrists and a cavity search which ends in a half a dozen officers barfing up their innards. It’s like Christmas times, so he thought he’d relive the magic for the ten millionth time.

This past Friday on a British Airways flight to Switzerland, Dreamy got out of his seat in coach, waltzed into the lavatory and got intimate with a hypodermic needle. I guess they had a wild ole’ time, because Dreamy passed the fuck out right there. Flight attendants found him taking a little crack nap with the needle by his side. When the plane landed in Geneva, Dreamy was arrested, fined and released. He played a show that day and returned back to London the next.

A source at British Airways tells the Sunday Mail that they are investigating the incident and could ban Dreamy FOR LIFE.

They’re not going to do that! It’s all talk. I mean, how can you punish that precious face? It’s like catching a toddler shooting up the wrong shit in the bathroom of an airplane. You would just shrug your shoulders, take away his toy, pat him on the head and tell him not to do it again. The same goes with Dreamy!

The Wearable Towel – It’s the Snuggie’s slutty younger sister….The Wearable Towel! As the commercial below says, you can wear it as a tunic or a toga. It’s “first class” in quality! Wear it to get the morning paper, ideal to wear before a swim and perfect to wear with family and friends! They forgot to add that it’s also makes a perfect uniform for prostitutes. The Wearable Towel provides easy access and makes clean-ups a cinch! No more sloppy cum puddles to ruin your day! It’s ULTRA absorbent! So if you’re a professional ass peddler, pick one up now!

For Chelle

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Dave Navarro (42)
Prince (51)
William Forsythe (54)
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