During Gwyneth Paltrow’s Ski Accident Trial, Her Team Deployed Visual Aids And Her Daughter Recalled Her Getting A Massage After The Crash

/ March 29, 2023

As day 6,506 seven of Gwyneth Paltrow’s ski accident trial continues to snowplow its way towards justice, and hopefully, hot toddies all around, no expense has been spared on either side. In the life-or-ego-death battle to determine which rich white person ran into the other on that fateful day in 2016, in which Gwyneth alleges she lost a half day of skiing and her accuser, Terry Sanderson, alleges he lost half of his mind, we’ve watched as a parade of expert witnesses racked up the billable hours to so far prove that something abominable happened on the mountain that day.

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Rihanna Introduced A Very Special Guest During Her Super Bowl Halftime Performance: The Second Child She’s Pregnant With!

/ February 13, 2023

The highly anticipated Rihannacomeback” concert, which took place during something called the Super Bowl (ever heard of it), was met with mixed reviews from her fans. Some were delighted to see RiRi barely move and stare into the camera like, “This is what you wanted, right?” because she gave us everything and nothing all at the same time. Classic RiRi. However, this time it had nothing to do with the fact she didn’t want to be there. The real reason she looked like she was over it at certain points during her performance is that she’s probably tired from carrying her second baby friend inside of her billion-dollar belly. And she chose the Halftime show to make the announcement as she “sang” some of her most beloved tracks in what will go down in history as the most epic episode of Lip Sync Battle ever.

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Beyonce Was Late To The Grammys And Still Made History As The Artist With The Most Awards Ever

/ February 6, 2023

Last night at the Grammys, everyone was waiting to see if Beyoncé would make history by becoming the artist with the most awards in its 65-year history. And if anyone thought that she wouldn’t they’re fools because we all know the Grammys are just a popularity contest at this point. Since there’s no one more popular than Beyoncé she flexed her star power by taking her time getting to the ceremony and completely missed her first award of the evening. But that’s probably because she was still at home practicing her looks of “shock and awe” for when she won the award that actually mattered.

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Who Is Hot Slut Of 2022? Vote In Round Three!

/ February 3, 2023

Last summer’s sweetheart of Norway and the internet, Freya, is definitely lifting her head high with pride (or bowing it low in shame) while lounging on the boats of the angels in heaven, because she’s made it to 2022’s Hot Slut of the Year grand finals! Freya got 41% of the votes and is one step closer to the HSOTY crown! And now, let’s vote on who will be joining The Calm Librarian and Freya the final Hot Slut of 2022 showdown. Your choices for round three are:

SeptemberColin Mitchell, the UPS driver who quickly realized that something in the milk (read: above-ground pool) wasn’t clean (read: two dogs in ayúdame mode) while making a delivery to a home in Ireton, Iowa. Colin noticed two dogs swimming in the pool by themselves and it didn’t sit right with him. When he discovered that the dog’s humans weren’t home, he went to investigate and found that the pool’s solar cover trapped the dogs and they couldn’t get out. So he saved them, and became an instant hero as his hotness shot up 100000%. And now he’s probably got to deal with other “dogs” (read: thirsty hos in dog costumes) getting “trapped” in a pool while he’s making his deliveries.

OctoberMichael Ross, the man who was not going to be outdone by Colin Mitchell’s’s animal-saving skills and went into rising flood waters during Hurricane Ian’s wrath to save a cat trapped on an A/C.

NovemberPaula Abdul’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Performance, the acid trip that Paula Abdul took everyone on during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade when she tap-synched on a giant Jennie-O turkey before being carried by her chorus boys. Jennie definitely O’d that day from the sight of Paula Abdul’s fuckery-filled performance!

DecemberWaffle House Wendy, the (former) Waffle House employee who became the MVP of a Waffle House battle royale when she easily caught a flying chair that was meant to take her ass out.

Voting is below. The winner of round three will be announced when we start voting in ✨THE FINAL ROUND✨ on Tuesday, February 7th!

Pics: KTIV, Twitter, Instagram, Twitter

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The City Of San Francisco Is Investigating The Bedrooms In Twitter’s Offices

/ December 8, 2022

Now that TIME Magazine has done the right thing by NOT naming ghost-faced douchebag Elon Musk as their Person of the Year, the city of San Francisco is knocking on his door to check out a few bedrooms he had installed at Twitter‘s headquarters. On paper, it seems like a good thing; a place where tired employees can rest while their misguided master puts the whip down for a few seconds. But considering this is Elon we’re talking about, those rooms probably have timers that allow five-minute naps during a twenty-hour workday. And the Department of Building Inspection needs to investigate whether or not these rooms are up to code.

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Open Post: Hosted By Lindsay Lohan Falling On Her Sword To Save Christmas In The Trailer For Netflix’s “Falling For Christmas”

/ October 7, 2022

We may be careening towards complete societal collapse, but even if it’s our last, this Christmas is sure to be the best one yet thanks to Lindsay Lohan falling off a cliff in the trailer for her Netflix Christmas movie, Falling for Christmas. Last year we learned that The War on Christmas’ clumsiest warrior had pulled herself away from the recording studio, where she is still presumably putting the finishing touches on her long-awaited album that was supposed to usher in the 2019 Lohaniassance, to film FFC as well as a second rom-com for Netflix called Irish Wish, which will presumably come out just in time to save Saint Patrick’s day.

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