68-Year-Old Billy Joel Is Going To Be A Dad Again

October 18, 2017 / Posted by:

Billy Joel’s 68-year-old sperm should be retired and spending their days rocking on a wooden chair on the porch inside his balls, but they’re working just as hard as ever. Billy casually spilled the new baby beans during a recent interview with the Belfast Telegraph. While chilling in Billy’s vintage bike shop, his very-pregnant 35-year-old fourth wife Alexis Roderick walked in with their 2-year-old daughter Della Rose.

Billy announced their arrival by saying, “That’s my wife. We are due next month.” This will be Billy Joel’s third kid after Della and Alexa Ray Joel, his 31-year-old daughter with Christie Brinkley.

But what if Billy wants to take a seniors nap at the same time as his new baby? Babies can be fussy about falling asleep. Luckily Billy already has that covered. I recently rented a car that had SiriusXM (fancy) and the person before me had it programmed to the Billy Joel channel. The channel is just Billy muttering about whatever while tooling around at the piano. It’s like liquid Ambien for the ears. I had to turn it off before I rear-ended a car. Whenever his new baby gets restless, he can just close the blinds and flip on his Sirius channel, and they’ll both be out like a light.

Pic: Wenn.com

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E! Is Putting “Fashion Police” Out To Pasture

October 18, 2017 / Posted by:

Even though Fashion Police has survived in some form or fashion after Joan Rivers’ passing in 2014, it hasn’t really felt the same since none of the remaining cast knows how to tell a good dry pussy joke. The execs at E! must long for those days because they’ve decided to cancel the show and send it off with a farewell next month. Continue reading

Open Post: Hosted By The First Picture From The “Roseanne” Revival 

October 18, 2017 / Posted by:

All together now: WHERE ART THOU FUCKING CRYSTAL?

29 years ago today, Roseanne debuted on ABC, and… wait, hold up for a second. I have to buzz my nurse to bring me a fresh big boy nappy along with my lunch of blended peas porridge. I made a poopy in the diaper she put on me this morning. And yes, I’m writing this from a nursing home since I’m old. I’m “I remember watching Roseanne’s pilot episode” old.

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David Cross Doesn’t Remember Saying Racist Stuff To Charlyne Yi

October 18, 2017 / Posted by:

October is turning into the month of honesty (sorry Halloween, take a lap) and the most recent moment of honesty came from actress Charlyne Yi. On Monday, Charlyne told a story on Twitter about the first time she met comedian David Cross. It wasn’t a great meeting, and Charlyne alleges that David made her feel shitty with some racist comments. David responded by saying that he’s sorry, but he doesn’t remember that happening.

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Chris Evans And Jenny Slate May Have Gotten Back Together

October 18, 2017 / Posted by:

When Chris Evans and Jenny Slate reunited at the Gifted premiere back in April (seen above), it was a little awkward. Chris and Jenny had split a few months earlier, but they talked about each other in ways that sounded like they were pulled from the first chapter of a book called Avoiding Bad Breakup Publicity 101. As it turns out, they might have meant all the nice things they said. According to UsWeekly, Captain America and Niece Denise are possibly back together again.

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