After Prince made heaven a sexier place in 2016, the Midwest Medical Examiner’s office declared that he died of an accidental fentanyl overdose. Fentanyl is also what took Michael Jackson and Tom Petty. An investigation into Prince’s death was opened, and today Carver County attorney Mark Metz announced that the investigation is now closed. And unlike in the case of Michael Jackson, nobody will be charged and no one will go to prison.
According to CNN, Mark Metz said in a press conference that Jehovah’s Sexiest Witness had no idea he was taking fentanyl. Prince did have an opiate addiction, and some Vicodin pills he bought turned out to be counterfeit. They were laced with fentanyl. I guess the Carver County prosecutors don’t have a Detective La Toya Jackson on staff, because they failed to get to the bottom of EVERYTHING. They weren’t able to find out who Prince bought dirty Vicodin pills from, and there’s no evidence that proves people around him knew he was really taking fentanyl. Why do I have a feeling that during their investigation, prosecutors got a voicemail on their tip line from a mystery woman with an Irish accent who said, “Check out that shifty dick sucker Arse-inio Hall.”
Tiffany Haddish is, by far, the patron saint of the Glow Up. After teaching us the art of fruit-flavored fellatio in last year’s blockbuster hit Girl’s Trip and a critically acclaimed hosting gig on Saturday Night Live (wearing her trademark white Alexander McQueen dress) she is the definition of ‘Living My Best Life’. It hasn’t always been easy, but it’s been worth it. And now after all her years of struggle she’s snagged a spot on Time’s 100 Most Influential People’s list, along with Cardi B, Nicole Kidman, Christian Siriano, Lena Waithe, JLo, Prince Harry, Meghan Markle, Rihanna, and Janet Mock.
Earlier today, Michelle Williams (the Destiny’s Child one) hopped announced on Instagram that on March 21st, her boyfriend Chad Johnson (not the Ochocinco one) popped the question. How kind of Michelle Williams to wait until after Beyoncé’s big day before announcing her engagement. I know everyone makes Poor Michelle jokes, but it’s obvious that Michelle wasn’t being ignored all those years; she’s just a selfless soul who doesn’t attempt to upstage others.
Michelle shared a gallery of engagement pictures on Instagram, and wrote:
“On March 21, 2018, the love of my life @chadjohnson77 proposed and I said ‘Yesssssssss…..I will, I will, I will!!!'”
Chad, who is a pastor, proposed on vacation with a ring he’d been saving up eleven years for. Please note: Chad and Michelle have only been dating for about a year. Chad says he started saving after turning 30 and feeling “so lonely.” So he put $150 a month into a ring account to be used for his future fiancée.
Michelle doesn’t say when the wedding will be, or if any of Destiny’s Children will be her bridesmaids. But you know Beyoncé will be invited, which will no doubt make things awkward for God up in heaven that day. “My faithful servant Chad, blessings be to you on your – OMG is that Beyoncé in the front row?! Jesus, get over here and look!”
There are few things more powerful on this earth than three black women of a certain age, standing in a circle. This is called an Auntie Triptych and it has the power to create life, destroy life and hand you a banging plate to go. One does not fuck with an AT, and you don’t summon their powers unless you have a damn good reason. Say for instance, Taylor Swift does a cover of Earth, Wind & Fire’s September, the sacred song of the Aunties. That would be a good reason.
If anybody had any doubts about Taylor’s breathy rendition of the classic and its impact on the culture, this Auntie Triptych offer their official ruling.
These Black Women listening to Taylor Swift’s cover of “September” by Earth, Wind, and Fire is SENDING ME 😭😂😭😂😭😂😭 pic.twitter.com/TIFm2137OT
— The Vixen of Gay T W I T T E R✊🏾 (@_TheRealKareem_) April 18, 2018
As you can see, Taylor’s September caused the assembled AT to assume the forms of Pressed, Perplexed and Amused. Pressed, the Auntie in the red vest, probably has Taylor out looking for a switch right now. Perplexed, the one on the left, looks like she just smelled a fart and can’t believe a fart could really be that nasty. Did somebody actually shit themselves in here? Amused will probably wake up cackling for years to come remembering that time that little blond girl tried to come for September.
Official Auntie Triptych Ruling: Quit messin’.
It feels like ever since Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani got together back in 2015, any mention of their names is usually followed with a rumor that she’s mere moments from line-dancing down the aisle of a decorated barn to a ska version of Here Comes the Bride. That, or someone is screaming that she’ll soon be delivering Cracker Barrel’s newest customer. But Blake has said that marrying isn’t something he’s rushing into.
Season 8 RuPaul’s Drag Race contestant Robbie Turner, whose actual name is Jeremy Baird, might be the fishiest queen in Drag Race herstory. And that’s not because Robbie’s tuck is sublime, it’s because a story Robbie posted on Twitter and Facebook about getting into a fatal accident while riding in an Uber, sounds fishy as fuck.