Elizabeth Olsen hit the pap stroll with her new dude, an indie musician named Robbie Arnett, and I can practically hear her conversation with her older-man-loving sisters about her current boyfriend. “Ewww, Lizzie, darling, we don’t get it, how can you put your mouth on balls that don’t have white hairs sprouting out of them?” – Celebitchy
Panty Creamer of the Day: Charlie Hunnam in sweatpants – Lainey Gossip
Bella Hadid’s nipples are still on vacation from her vacation of a life – Drunken Stepfather
Today, please direct your sympathy toward Kim Zocliak, whose Nutri-Grain bars were squeezed by airport security in Germany – Reality Tea
Elizabeth Olsen ain’t the only one whose getting on a hot musician nobody knows. Kate Hudson is apparently humping on musician Danny Fujikawa – The Nip Slip
And the RUnaissance continues, J.J. Abrams’ production company is doing a TV show about the rise of RuPaul in NYC in the 1980s – Towleroad
Ariel Winter is giving me “recurring cast member on Mob Wives” – Hollywood Tuna
I guess the money situation on Big Bang Theory got worked out – SOW
Either I’m going wonk-eyed (it’s possible) or the arches in Olivia Wilde’s eyebrow situation need to be synchronized – Popoholic
If while watching the 20th cycle of America’s Next Top Model in 2013, you thought to yourself, “I really want to see Marvin’s peen,” your wish came true over three years later – (NSFW) OMG Blog
Ellen DeGenres is a lightweight – IDLYITW
Poke at me when a major character in a big-budget superhero movie has full-on, genitals-to-genitals gay or lesbian sex – Jezebel
The internet has blue balls now, because Orlando Bloom went paddle boarding with his shorts ON – Popsugar
Prepare yourself for a chorus of dancing Glen Cocos, because Mean Girls the Musical is finally coming – Just Jared
Pic: GC Images/Getty
Everyone keeps saying that Prince Hot Ginge and Meghan Markle are going to get engaged by the end of the summer, and no, that high-pitched wail that just stabbed your eardrums wasn’t from me loudly crying while thinking about the day that I’ll watch my beautiful(ly delusional) dreams go up in flames as I burn the assless cropped tuxedo I was planning to wear during my wedding to PHG.
If Meghan Markle becomes Duchess Meghan, she’ll be way too busy waving and smiling alongside Duchess Kate at the opening of whatever to do acting stuff. But a source tells E! News that Meghan would’ve probably quit acting even if she wasn’t with PHG. Uh huh…
The New York Times says that Wyclef Jean, one third of The Fugees, was arrested and briefly detained at 1 this morning in West Hollywood. What did Wyclef do to get arrested? Well, apparently all he had to do was sort of fit the description of a robbery suspect.
While working an armpit merkin (there’s no way he can grow hair there) and throwing a come hither look (Usher just saved that picture so fast), Justin Bieber gave his millions of Instagram followers a good look at the newest works of art on the Museum of Shitty Tattoos he calls a body.
The Biebs got a bear tattoo on his left tit, and that must be really confusing for anyone who has ever said, “I’d rather make out with a growling grizzly bear than suck on Justin Bieber’s left tit.” He also got a flying eagle inked right between his “Son Of God” and “Purpose” tattoos. The Biebs’ new tattoos tell me that if he wasn’t a multi-millionaire yodeling douche nugget, he’d probably be drinking a Natty Ice out of a paper bag while whistling at chicks from his sawed-off convertible pick-up truck in the parking lot of a Walmart. So basically, he’d be his dad.
And the Biebs also posted this video of him topless dancing with someone’s memaw:
I bet every hardcore Belieber is flooding Lindsay Lohan’s Instagram comments with questions about how to get a grandmaface quick. Because if they had that Benjamin Button’s shit, maybe Justin Bieber would actually show them some love.
It’s been four months since we’ve talked about Jennifer Lawrence and her current boyfriend, director Darren Aronofsky. Four months without an update is enough time in which some famous people could split up, hook up with someone new, get married, and file for divorce. But apparently that’s not what has happened here. They might have been laying low over the past few months, but they’re still together.
As Professor Dame St. Angie Jolie graced the brains of the peons with her knowledge at the London School of Economics, and her holy hard nipples graced the eyes of the Archbishop of Canterbury during a meeting, a sad Brad Pitt was making sad art while listening to sad songs. Future art historians will look to this period in time as the rich douche renaissance led by the masters James Franco, Shia LaBeouf and Brad Pitt!