Many of us woke up to the news of sadness this morning that Andy Rourke, bassist for the Smiths, has died. And we’re going to need another cabinet for the Fuck Cancer files because Andy died from pancreatic cancer. He was only 59.

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It looks like the Swifties aren’t the only ones who are “distraught and slighted” over Taylor Swift’s new problematic romance with The 1975’s racist torture-porn-loving mess Matty Healy. Her ex, Joe Alwyn, is too, apparently. And since Joe Alwyn co-wrote songs and co-produced Taylor’s album, Folklore, which got him a Grammy, I can’t wait for him to go solo and release his first diss track titled Distraught and Slighted. Because that’s what sources say he’s feeling over TayTay moving on to HIM.

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Though Prince Harry and Meghan Markle‘s spokesperson described the recent New York paparazzi pursuit of them (along with Meghan’s mom, Doria Ragland) as a “nearly catastrophic” two-hour long, sometimes 80 mph car chase; the NYPD only called it “challenging,” Mayor Eric Adams said a chase of any length is very dangerous though he found it “hard to believe” it lasted two hours; and photo agency, Backgrid, said the trio was seemingly in “no immediate danger” from their paps but will be investigating further. But, we’ve finally gotten to hear from the most essential voice on any issue: Whoopi Goldberg, of course. On The View yesterday, she shed doubt on Harry and Meghan’s account of the situation, basically saying that her on-air fart smells and backtracking apologies after she farts out an offensive take travel faster than a car can in NYC traffic.

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While Martha Stewart admits that getting filler here and there is a good thing, she denies ever getting touched by a plastic surgeon’s scalpel. After Martha’s tip-moistening Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition spread came out, some accused her of getting lifted and tucked in the face. But 81-year-old Martha says she’s never had plastic surgery and she just takes good care of her skin, wears hats and SPF in the sun, and drinks green juice. Err, Martha, you’re BFFs with Snoop Dogg. We know you’re not “drinking” the green unless you’re talking about weed drinks. And I bet Martha got a natural brow lift from raising her brow so much while reading her nemesis Goopy Paltrow’s bullshit – Celebitchy

Here’s the trailer for Martin Scorsese’s Killers of the Flower Moon movie, starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Lily Gladstone, and Robert De Niro. I heard two sounds from the future while watching the trailer. The first was the sound of Oscars clinking together as they fall into Scorsese’s lap. The other sound was the sound of me snoring since, like The Irishman, this movie is almost THREE AND A HALF FUCKING HOURS LONG. I dare Martin Scorsese to try to stay awake during his own movie! – Lainey Gossip

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Hours before last night’s season finale of Vanderpump Rules aired, it was reported by Page Six that Mr. and Mrs. Persona Non-Grata Tom Sandoval and Raquel Leviss have reportedly broken up! And here we all thought they’d last forever. A source tells Page Six that, “Raquel dipped out. Sandoval is not the one for her.” But another source tells People exclusively that the pair was never even an item, to begin with. Either way, all this chaos was for nothing!

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