The Live-Action “Beauty And The Beast” Made A Shit Load Of Money In Its Opening Weekend

March 20, 2017 / Posted by:

If you didn’t see the live-action Beauty and the Beast movie this past weekend, then you and I may be the only humans in the land who didn’t pay to see and listen to an auto-tuned Hermione Granger trying to get into the satin capris of a CGI buffalo. Although, I did try to buy tickets at around noon on Saturday, only to find out that pretty much every showing was sold the hell out. I took that as the universe doing me a favor. Because there’s not enough weed in California to keep me from snapping at a kid who won’t stop loudly singing along to that shit. And there’s also not enough weed in California to fully erase the pain from my face after some dad breaks my mouth with his fist for snapping at his singing kid.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

March 20, 2017 / Posted by:

Little Tikes Country Cottage Playhouse!

One my friends’ little sister had one of those, and yes, their asses were rich. And if you’re thinking to yourself, “Shut the hell up, Michael, I had one of those and my family wasn’t rich,” I need to tell you something: Shut the hell up, your family was rich, stop denying. But anyway, I thought that Little Tikes sold these Country Cottage Playhouses in the mid-80s, but after doing extensive research (read: a 5 second Google search), I discovered that they made their debut in the fall of 1989. Now, in the year 1989, my ass and my friend’s ass were way too old to be playing in a Little Tikes Country Cottage Playhouse, but we did.

We mostly just sat in there and flipped through his mom’s Redbook magazines in between telling his little sister to stop knocking on the door and get away, because squatters have overtaken her spot and have forcibly evicted her.

Little Tikes still makes plastic playhouses today, but they no longer come in the shades of the 80s (pastels). So if you or your parents still have a pastel-colored Little Tikes Country Cottage Playhouse in the backyard, make sure you immediately contact your local government and ask them to declare it a historical landmark. Because it is truly an important work of architecture!

Pic: Pinterest

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Birthday Sluts

March 20, 2017 / Posted by:

Carl Reiner (95)
Keenan Cahill (22)
Xavier Dolan (28)
Louie Vito (29)
Jionni LaValle (30)
Dean Geyer (31)
Ruby Rose (31)
Christy Romano (33)
Nick Blood (35)
Nick Wheeler (35)
Bianca Lawson (38)
Chester Bennington (41)
Jane March (44)
Chad Michaels (46)
Michael Rapaport (47)
Kathy Ireland (54)
David Thewlis (54)
Holly Hunter (59)
Spike Lee (60)
Theresa Russell (60)
William Hurt (67)
Hal Linden (86)
Mr. Rogers (1928-2003)

Pic: @carlreiner

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Open Post: Hosted By Gracie, The Kitty That Saved Her Family’s Life

March 19, 2017 / Posted by:

The battery is probably dead in your carbon monoxide detector. This will probably end up killing you someday, but you may have a chance to live, if you’re a cat owner.

Annette and Kevin Shanahan of Reedsburg, Wisconsin, would have died if their brown tabby, Gracie, hadn’t been around. The Huffington Post reports that, on the night of Feb. 4, Annette wasn’t feeling right.

Annette Shanahan of Reedsburg, Wisconsin, told Madison.com this week that around 1 a.m. on Feb. 4, she felt weak, ill and disoriented and wandered out of bed, collapsing into a chair in the bedroom.

Her husband, Kevin, said he would have slept through it if it weren’t for the family cat, Gracie.

Gracie, perhaps noticing that one of his humans was seriously fucked up, sprang into action.

”All of the sudden Gracie, I heard she was pounding, knocking, knocking, knocking at the door,” he told local news channel WREG. “And so I got out of bed and to stop her from pounding at the door, and I looked to my left and Annette was there in the chair.”

Gracie doesn’t usually try to get into Annette and Kevin’s bedroom so he knew something was wrong. Kevin found his wife, and called 911. The firefighters later discovered that a malfunctioning water heater had released dangerous levels of carbon monoxide into their house. Yikes!

My disdain for cats is well-known (I think it’s even on my resume), but Gracie gets a pass. Sure, she was probably trying to save her own ass by escaping the house through a window in the bedroom, since cats are inherently selfish. But still – she inadvertently saved her humans.

Meet Gracie in the video below.

Pic: Huffington Post

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