Sully, the thespian seagull whose name should be above and before Blake NotSoLively’s in every single ad and commercial for The Shallows!

After seeing The Shallows over the weekend, I am confused as to why Blake Lively did all of the press for the movie while the real star, Sully the Seagull, did none. Even Blake agrees that Sully is the true star of the movie. Sully is probably a real actor who trained at Juilliard and unlike Blake, he’s about the art and not about all the attention. Obviously, that’s the reason!

The plot for The Shallows is well (get ready to GONG me), shallow (GONG!). There’s not much to it. Blake NotSoLively goes surfing, ends up in a cunty Great White shark’s feeding zone, it attacks her  and she swims to a rock formation where she tries to get herself together and figure out how she’s going to get away from Jaws’ apprentice. That shark must’ve been on some kind of macrobiotic diet, because I don’t know why it wants to chomp on Blake’s bland ass so bad. Blake spends a good chunk of the movie on that rock formation. And just when you begin to think, “Shit, am I going to have to look at Blake NotSoLively the entire time?“, we meet the movie’s real lead, Steven Seagull, mostly played by the Meryl Streep of seagulls, Sully.

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The Tori Spelling sex dress that Shannen Doherty wore in a photo shoot for Beverly Hills, 90210!

I know, I know, two 90210 dress-themed Hot Slut of the Days in a row. But yesterday was 90210’s 25th anniversary so it should be a month, if not an entire year, of 90210-themed HSTODs!!!

Lifetime’s Unauthorized Beverly Hills, 90210 movie was a travesty that was seriously not messy enough, but maybe that’s because all of the messiness was used on the special, Tori Spelling: Celebrity Lie Detector (true title: Tori Spelling Will Do Anything For Cash), that aired afterward. Shit was a damn mess and I’m sure it was about as authentic and real as Kim Kartrashian’s face (or any part of her body, actually). Tori was hooked up to a lie detector and they asked her dozens of questions. Tori’s answers and the lie detector results were melodramatically revealed in an interview she did with Louise Roe.

Yes, after I watched it, I went away thinking, “Damn, that trick doesn’t know what shame is,” but I also learned a couple new things. Tori confessed that the other 90210 cast member she screwed on, besides Brian Austin Green, was Jason Priestley. (Somewhere, Jason Priestley buried his head in the ground while wishing he was living in a time when the world didn’t know he fucked on Tori Spelling.) Tori also told a story about the dress that Shanen Doherty wore in the picture above.

Tori talked about how she lost her virginity to a dude who wasn’t famous, and Louise Roe asked her if she remembered what she wore when she turned in her V-card. It’s so funny that Louise asked that because Tori had a story about the dress she wore. Imagine that! So off the cuff! So not scripted! Tori said that she wore a black and floral dress when she sexed the first time and she got a little popped cherry blood on it. Tori kept the dress as a ~memento~ of the moment she got screwed for the first time.

Before a shoot for a Beverly Hills, 90210 cast photo, Shannen went through Tori’s closet to pick out a dress to wear. Shannen picked out Tori’s first fuck me dress and when Tori told her about the dress and the coochie blood stain, she didn’t give a shit and wore it anyway. It’s Tori Spelling, so that story could be made of pure lies. But I believe her, because in that picture, Shannen Doherty is sort of making a face that says, “I‘m wearing Tori Spelling’s sex dress and I’m definitely wearing it hotter.“

James Huling, the hillbilly Asian from Big Brother 17!

The 17th season of Big Brother US happened last night and they really mixed shit up and went totally diverse when casting it. Ha. No, the Big Brother house is still filled to the top with a bunch of young, white people, but sprinkled in there is a black woman, a transgender woman and a miniature hillbilly Asian from South Carolina! James was adopted by a family of hillbillies in South Carolina, so he’s like an Asian dude who was possessed by the soul of a Duck Dynasty cast member (sans all that gay-hating trash, I think). He’s into hunting, fishing and camo.

James lives in Wichita Falls, TX now, has a kid and works in retail. Taylor Swift is his dream girl, so that should tell you everything you need to know about him. James kind of looks like my dad, but when he opens his mouth, he sounds like he’s voiced by Sugar Bear from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. I love it. I’m surprised TLC hasn’t given him a show. They probably looked at his background and said, “Eh, no major criminal record and seems mentally stable. NEXT!” But James does have a mug shot, which he got after he was arrested for contempt of family court in Sumter County, SC.

Looking like he got attacked by bees while plastered.

And you probably didn’t read any of the words above, because you either went temporarily blind or your contacts caught on fire from looking at those CAMO CROCS on his feet. CAMO CROCS! Camo Crocs are like Satan’s caca drizzled with Satan’s vomit. CAMO CROS are my KNOTTY PINE! Maybe James is really, really smart and those camo Crocs are part of his strategy. Maybe he thinks that he if wears them all the time, their powers of fugness will make the others violently ill and they’ll have to leave the house. No, probably not. Besides, based on a few of the outfits worn last night, some of the houseguests probably think those camo Crocs are cute. Dark-sided!

Mug shot via Rickey.org

The anti-walking and texting snake who is the new face of the anti-walking and texting movement!

On the list of “Shit That Is Not Here For Your Texting And Walking Shenanigans,” go ahead and add “snakes” right above “fountains” and “stairs.” While going to work in Chickasha, Oklahoma, veteran skating rink DJ (File that under: Job Titles You Wish You Had) Tim Malone was paying more attention to the stuff on his Android screen than the ground. Tim tells KOCO 5, who was lucky to land the EXCLUSIVO interview with him, that he was texting while walking into Snakeland, I mean Skateland, (copyright: the local news reporter in the clip below) and he didn’t notice the snake on the ground in front of him. Tim stepped on the snake and since snakes don’t like to be stepped on, it bitch a trick. Thanks to some quick-thinking, Tim survived the harrowing ordeal.

“Adrenaline took over. And then I realized it was a snake and I started kicking. Get it off. There’s just those two little marks right there.”

Tim is going to live and he wasn’t seriously injured. The snake was non-venomous and Tim helped release it back into the wild. Here’s the report (complete with riveting surveillance video) that will definitely win KOCO 5 a Peabody:

So in case you’re keeping score:

Texters and walkers: 0

Snakes: ALL THE POINTS!

(For Jane)

In honor of Star Wars Day (May the 4th be…you finish it, I’m too tired from singing the Comedy Bang Bang version of the Star Wars cantina theme), Vanity Fair released several photos taken on the set of Star Wars: The Force Awakens by Annie Leibovitz. Sadly, there are no moody grey-blue shots of Han Solo staring pensively off into the distance while Chewy relaxes on an antique bentwood chair in the background (aka what every Annie Leibovitz picture looks like to me). But we do get to see what some of the new characters look like.

Well, sort of. Vanity Fair says Lupita Nyong’o plays a pirate called Maz Kanata, but she’ll look nothing like she does above in the movie. Lupita’s face is covered in tracking dots so they can CGI in her character’s face later. What a drag! I was like, finally, a character my high school yearbook photos could related to. But no.

Also a bummer was this photo Annie took of a group of Star Wars background characters. See if you can pick out who is missing.

Say it with me now: where the hell is Sy Snootles?!? Maybe she’s hiding behind that slutty protocol droid on the left (that slutty droid would). Sy Snootles is hands-down the hottest character from Star Wars, and I was really hoping J. J. Abrams would do the fans right by bringing her back. I wanna know what happens to Sy Snootles. Does she pull a Beyonce by quitting the Max Rebo Band to go solo or what? These are the important questions.

Here’s more of what some of the new Star Wars characters will look like, including Oscar Isaac as a pilot named Poe Dameron (every emo teen just jizzed themselves over that name) and Adam From Girls as a bad dude named Kylo Ren:

Pics: Vanity Fair

Seen above looking like her Photoshopped self queefed out her real self, Mariah Carey injected thirty gallons of modest sophistication into Las Vegas yesterday when she rode into Caesars Palace in a stunning chariot that is what Liberace would’ve driven if Liberace was one of Mary Kay’s top sales bitches in the Palm Springs area.

Mimi landed in Vegas yesterday to prepare for her 18-show residency at Caesars Palace, which stars May 6th, and she blessed her subjects with the sight of her in a studded pantyhose dress thing. That dress by L’eggs is so damn tight that if you put your ear to one of its seams, you’d hear the sound of it screeching for dear life and its screeches probably sound a lot like the high-pitched scream she lets out at the end of her Nick Cannon diss track. She looks like an overstuffed, studded bratwurst. As the lambs screamed their b-hole lips off for their queen, the non-lambs prepared to cover their eyes while hitting the ground, because they knew if Mimi stopped sucking in for a second to exhale, that too-tight, bedazzled casing would rip apart sending rhinestones and studs flying everywhere. I’m not sure if it would be hot or tragic to be able to tell people that you have to wear a glass eye because Mimi chose to exhale real quick.

But the real tragedy is that Frederick’s of Hollywood is dying a slow death so they probably won’t make a “look for less” version of this exquisite ensemble. So you’ll have to make it yourself using several old pairs of Spanx, a hot glue gun and macaronis spray painted gold.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash