Roman Polanski Wants To Come Back To End His Rape Case For Good

February 16, 2017 / Posted by:

Roman Polanski pleaded no contest to raping and drugging a 13-year-old girl in 1977, and the story goes that he struck a plea bargain with prosecutors that would require him to serve only 48 days in prison. Yes, only 48 days for anally raping a child. Subway Jared wishes.

Roman’s lawyers claim that the judge in the case, Judge Laurence Rittenband, signed off on that deal. Roman served 42 days, and when he got out of the clink in Chino, CA, he learned that Judge Laurence’s mind had changed. Judge Laurence told prosecutors that he wanted Roman to serve 50 years in prison. PedoBear’s second favorite director, after Woody Allen, didn’t want to spend most of his life in prison, so a day before sentencing in 1978, he busted out of the U.S. and headed for Europe.

He was living free in Europe until 2009, when he was arrested in Switzerland and lived under house arrest for almost a year while fighting extradition to the U.S. The Swiss government eventually rejected the U.S.’s extradition request and set him free. And now Roman is sick of being a fugitive and wants to come back to the U.S. to prove that the late Judge Lawrence wronged him. I hope you keep a box of Kleenex on your desk, because I’m sure you’ll need to wipe that tear that trickled down your cheek after reading about the woe of being poor Roman Polanski.

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Bijou Phillips Needs A New Kidney, Like, Right Now

February 16, 2017 / Posted by:

Bijou Phillips is currently not doing so well, health-wise. TMZ says that Danny Masterson’s wife was rushed to a Santa Barbara hospital last night after feeling sick and having a high fever. When she got to the hospital, Bijou was diagnosed with a blood infection, and that’s when a doctor informed her she needed a kidney transplant. Bijou’s rep tells TMZ that Bijou has been dealing with kidney disease for the past 5 years. Apparently she was born with small kidneys, and she tried to control it with a vegan diet. When that didn’t work, she resorted to dialysis.

New kidneys usually come from a relative. But in Bijou’s case, that might not be the best idea, since some Phillips kidneys come with more mileage on them than others. Thankfully she’s got a friend who is a kidney match. Bijou’s rep says she’s “optimistic” she’ll have a transplant soon. TMZ says that Bijou is currently in stable condition, but she needs that new kidney. Danny Masterson is reportedly in the hospital with her.

Bijou and her husband Danny are Scientologists, and Scientology apparently leaves organ donation up to the person, but they believe there “may be spiritual repercussions” that “require more auditing.” So Bijou will really end up paying a lot for that new kidney since auditing ain’t cheap. Actually, that’s how insurance companies should approach organ transplants from now on. “Yes that new gall bladder is going to cost a lot of money. But to put things into perspective, it’s actually much less than you’d end up paying if you were a Scientologist.


Open Post: Hosted By The Story Of Life As Told By Two Pooches

February 16, 2017 / Posted by:

I’m not going to give away what happens in this heartbreaking video (although, the title of it already does), but I will say that many of us could rename this video The Story Of My Life, add a dramatic score to it and release it as our biopic. It’d probably sweep Cannes too.

Aren’t we all just a fluffy dog trying hard to get a chip, only to see it get snatched away in front of our hungry eyes? These words are in the description of this sad, sad tale:

Sometimes the chips are just stacked against you.

Honestly, that whole scene looks like a staged set up, so I hope that fluffy pooch has a good agent who negotiated at least a 5 chip pay day for its work. Actually, doggy deserves the whole bag and an Oscar, because I felt its pain to the core. Life really is a taller, chip-stealing doggy.

via Tastefully Offensive


If It Wasn’t For John Mayer, Katherine Heigl Wouldn’t Be Married To Her Husband, Or Something

February 16, 2017 / Posted by:

Katherine Heigl’s latest comeback TV show, Doubt, premiered last night on CBS, and if you missed it and want to see it, it can be found in a box full of Cat’s Pride litter. It flopped.

But before Heigl learned that she may have another flop on her hands, she pushed Doubt on The Late Late Show with James Corden. Heigl and her husband, Josh Kelley, have been married for almost ten years and James Corden said that he heard (through her publicist, probably) that John Mayer had something to do with their love sprouting like a rash you get after fucking John Mayer.

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Justin Bieber Is Also Being Investigated For Allegedly Headbutting Someone

February 16, 2017 / Posted by:

Earlier we found out that police in Cleveland are investigating Justin Bieber for allegedly delivering a concussion-causing beatdown back in June. And now TMZ is saying that he’s currently being investigated for allegedly headbutting someone at a restaurant last weekend. It’s like he’s on a mission to disprove the stereotype that Canadians are a polite, peace-loving people.

Bieber’s latest alleged assault antics happened at around 2am last Saturday in West Hollywood. While at a pre-Grammys party that was hosted by his friend Poo Bear, Bieber was play fighting with Kyle Massey. Poo Bear? Corey from That’s So Raven? You know you’re not exactly hanging with a hard crew when it sounds like it was assembled by Mickey Mouse. Anyway, Bieber noticed that someone from the restaurant staff was recording their play fight. And we all know he doesn’t like that. A pissed-off Bieber demanded he delete the video, and that in turn caused more people to hit record on their cameras. Justin allegedly then lunged at one of the people and headbutted them.

On the bright side, Justin Bieber doesn’t have a brain, so I doubt he caused that much damage. Getting hit with something hollow tends not to hurt as much.

The police were called after the incident, but Bieber was gone by the time they arrived. The alleged victim doesn’t want to press charges, but the police are still investigating.

Justin Bieber has just about covered all his assault bases. He’s used his arms for throwing (both punches and eggs), his mouth for spitting (both words and actual spit), and now he’s headbutting people. He’s like a one-man Street Fighter game. The next thing you know he’ll be firing a surge of shitty energy out of his hands. Ha-douche-en!

Pic: Instagram

Lena Dunham Defends Her Squad Leader For Staying Quiet During The Election

February 16, 2017 / Posted by:

During the presidential election, nearly every pop trick in the land risked losing a piece of their fanbase by opening their mouth to either speak against Donald Trump or support Hillary Clinton, or both. Katy Perry did. Lady Gaga did. Madonna did. Beyonce did. Adele, who’s not even American, did. And so did the Queen of Pop Paula Abdul. But Taylor Swift never did and it DIVIDED A NATION! Many think pieces were written about how Tay Tay needed to say something, especially since she’s made feminism part of her “brand.” Others felt like it’s not her duty to talk about political shit. Lena Dunham, who talked a lot during the election and afterward, is on the side that is defending Taylor, Plain and Tall.

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