Hot Slut Of The Day!

January 17, 2017 / Posted by:

Alexis, the heroic contestant from The Bachelor who kept it all-the-way real on last night’s episode.

I haven’t watched The Bachelor for a few seasons because I realized that if I want to watch an annoying drunk mess cry about their stupid life while wearing an ugly dress borrowed from Rent The Runway, I’d just look in the mirror at the end of the night. (And yes, I just admitted that I wear a dress from Rent The Runway to bed.) But reader Angela showed me the brilliance I’ve been missing when she sent me a screen shot of the genteel blossom who pretty much quoted the great poet Ludacris on last night’s episode.

Alexis is the attention whore mess (but in her defense, that show is the battle of attention whore messes) and “aspiring dolphin trainer” who wore what she kept saying was a dolphin costume on the first episode. It was clearly a shark costume. Yeah, so if her dolphin trainer dreams ever come true, trick is going to be in for a real bloody ass surprise when she tries to get a “dolphin” to twirl for her. But before a “dolphin” bites off her arm during training, Alexis used it to push the other bitches out of the way during last night’s rose ceremony.

When Nick Viall, the pile of uncooked oats with a six-pack who is currently playing the role of The Bachelor, called Alexis’ name, she parted the sea of bitches by saying the magic words:Move, bitches. I’m comin’ through.” Not all heroes wear capes, some wear dresses from Bebe.

alexismovebitches

And just like that, Dolphin Shark Chick summed up The Bachelor with just two simple and poetic words.

Pic: @TTimewithTianna, GIF: Consequence of Sound

 

SHARE

Birthday Sluts

January 17, 2017 / Posted by:

Betty White (95)
Connor Cruise (22)
Frankie Cocozza (24)
Willa Fitzgerald (26)
Max Adler (31)
Calvin Harris (33)
Dwayne Wade (35)
Ray J (36)
Zooey Deschanel (37)
Maksim Chmerkovskiy (37)
Freddy Rodriguez (42)
Lil Jon (46)
Kid Rock (46)
Bart Freundlich (47)
Naveen Andrews (48)
Tiësto (48)
Shabba Ranks (51)
Denis O’Hare (55)
Michelle Obama (53)
Jim Carrey (55)
Susanna Hoffs (58)
Steve Harvey (60)
Paul Young (61)
Larry Fortensky (65)
Mick Taylor (68)
Maury Povich (78)
James Earl Jones (86)
Muhammad Ali (1942-2016)
Eartha Kitt (1927-2008)

Pic: Morris Animal Foundation

SHARE

Night Crumbs

January 16, 2017 / Posted by:

Brad Pitt showed his face at a charity event over the weekend and even though the public shit-throwing with Angelina Jolie is done (for now), I’m sure that after this picture was taken, a member of her team ripped that long cardigan off of him. Yes, it looks better on Brad, but he’s still not getting Angie’s favorite cardigan in the divorce!  – Lainey Gossip

Amber Heard supposedly can’t wait to go public with Elon Musk – Celebitchy

It looks like NeNe Leakes is onto her third face and it also looks like the entire intimates section of a JcPenney violently shat up on Marlo HamptonReality Tea

The same thing goes for The Slow OneDrunken Stepfather

Okay, James Corden and Bryan Cranston, kiss again, but do it with feeling this time and by feeling I mean tongue – Towleroad

The face that Justin Beiber’s au pair (that’s his au pair, right?) is making says everything that needs to be said about this story – The Superficial

That’s a really weird-looking dildo that Natalie Portman is holding” is a thought I had until I realized she’s holding a water bottle – Popoholic

1/10th of Amy Adam’s nipple plates came out to play the other night – (NSFW) The Nip Slip

They tell me that this is Tyler Posey’s dick – OMG Blog 

This is the most hilariously stupid thing that Rob Schneider has done and that’s saying a lot since he’s been in (insert the title of absolutely any movie he’s starred in) – Pajiba

Jeff Goldblum and his wife confirm the obvious – Just Jared

Bella Thorne took some Polaroids that look like they were taken at an audition for a no-budget amateur porn video – Hollywood Tuna 

Julianne Hough’s face is saying, “OHMYGAWD, look it’s the paps,” but on the inside she’s probably thinking, “Motherfuckers are late. I texted them 20 minutes ago” – IDLYITW

It must have been pretty depressing for Ryan Gosling to watch that video because that was him at his peak and it’s all been downhill from there – SOW

Pic: Getty

Tags:
SHARE

Who Is Hot Slut Of 2016? Vote In Round Three!

January 16, 2017 / Posted by:

Congratulations to the legendary Not The One hero of the Bronx Bernice Starnes for winning Round Two of the Hot Slut of the Year showdown! Bernice will go on to the grand finals  where she’ll battle it out against fellow fuck-deficient jewel, the late Flossie Dickey, and the winner of Round Three.

In my cold medicine-induced haze, I totally jacked up the order in Round Two, so the winning HSOTM from July, Joyce Beatty, is in this round instead. Don’t yell at me for screwing up! Yell at Alka-Seltzer Severe Sinus Congestion & Cough for not stating on the box that you should not take it if you need to put together an extremely important contest on the internet. It’s their fault. Now let’s move on to who will face off with the President of Petty Joyce Beatty in this round.

JulyRep. Joyce Beatty, the U.S. representative for Ohio’s 3rd congressional district who masterfully trolled Melania Trump at the Democratic National Convention when she wore the exact same dress that Melania wore to the Republican National Convention. If Joyce Beatty goes to the inauguration, I hope she keeps the trolling going by wearing head-to-toe yellow.

October Ana Navarro, the anti-Trump warrior who regularly slayed tricks during the election (and after too) and won my heart several times, but really won it when she screamed “PUSSY” on CNN. If Ana goes to DC for the inauguration, I hope she keeps the slaying going over there by wearing head-to-toe yellow or this.

NovemberBoston, the seriously talented Boxer who shut down the Mannequin Challenge by doing it a trillion times better than anyone else. In unexpectedly awful news, Boston died not too long ago after getting hit by a car. So Boston is now in heaven, beating the angels in the Mannequin Challenge. (Although, for his sake, I hope the Mannequin Challenge is only a thing that happens on earth and in hell.)

DecemberMcDonald’s McAss cup, the holiday cup from McDonald’s that was supposed to be two mittens but instantly became a pair of spread ass cheeks (aka the official emblem of Dlisted) when you drew hands on it.

Voting is the below. The winner of Round Three will be announced on Thursday and we’ll FINALLY go on to the Final Round. I know your voting finger is worn out like you just had a hot night with Kanye, but hold on a little longer. It’s almost over.


Pic: Getty, Instagram, @Ryan_Thomas02, @SamSykesSwears

SHARE

Orlando Bloom’s Dick Was The Star Of His Surprise 40th Birthday Party

January 16, 2017 / Posted by:

Katy Perry threw her man Orlando Bloom a surprise 40th birthday party at a hotel in Palm Springs, CA on Saturday night and even though Justin Theroux was there, the biggest dick in the room was the blown-up picture of Legolas’ (sadly censored) peen. Katy apparently took the picture that launched a thousand boners and throbbing clits, blew it up and used it as a backdrop for party guests to pose in front of. Some guests made fun of Orly’s salchicha (see: picture above) and others posed normal. It doesn’t look like any of them put their mouths on that black box. I know, Katy and Orlando have weird friends.

Continue reading

Miley Cyrus Threw An N.W.A.-Themed Birthday Party For Liam Hemsworth, Noah Cyrus, And Wayne Coyne

January 16, 2017 / Posted by:

Miley Cyrus had three people in her life who were celebrating birthdays over this past week. Her little sister Noah Cyrus turned 18 on the 8th, and both her fiancé Liam Hemsworth and friend Wayne Coyne celebrated their birthdays on the 13th. Miley decided to save her stoner brain the trouble of remembering all those dates by rolling all three into one giant birthday party on Saturday.

Continue reading

src="https://c.statcounter.com/922697/0/f674ac4a/1/"
alt="drupal analytics" >