Ah, the People Magazine Awards! What better place to oil up your titties and half-cover them in a beaded onesie. Yes, Jennifer Lopez is wearing a beaded onesie – don’t worry, I have many questions about that too. Just thinking about all that all-over beading is giving me flashbacks to my figure skating years (all 7 of which are deeply embarrassing), along with the feeling of prickly sequins scraping against bare skin and the taste of wet mittens and hairspray in my mouth. Thanks JLo.

I’m not sure I’m feeling whatever it is JLo is serving up here. Don’t get me wrong, JLo always looks hot, it’s just that there is a lot going on, and all of it is making me do Target Lady face. First off, what is going on with her shoulderpads? It looks like she’s got two extra-thick Cuchinis stuck in there. Second, why is she so Kardashian in the face? And my follow-up question to that is, why is her hairline 10 shades darker than the rest of her face? Finally, JLo needs to go easy on the body glitter. I had an old roommate who was obsessed with Urban Decay Sparkling Lickable Body Powder (bitch went through a box a week, I’m serious) and even she would be looking at JLo’s disco ball arms like “Too much.”

“But what about me?” cried JLo’s thirsty extensions. Aw, you’re ok. Any hair that looks like it was cut off an old Cut N’ Style Barbie doll is fine by me.

Here’s more of JLo looking like a sexy back-up dancer from The Brady Bunch Variety Hour, as well as a bunch of other famous types at the People Magazine Awards, including The Hammaconda’s human handler Jon Hamm, Kate Hudson – who seems to think she’s at the Golden Globes, and the definition of a People Magazine Awards attendee Kaley Cuoco:

Pics: Splash

“Oh DAYUM, they’re really dragging Angelina! By the way, that’s your cue to laugh, my minions.”

Today, the FBI officially pointed a finger at North Korea for being behind the hack and terrorist threats that brought The Interview down. An FBI investigation (led by Detective La Toya and Detective Courtney Love, I’m sure) proved that North Korea called the shots and backed the hackers who cyber attacked Sony using servers in Asia, Europe, the US and Latin America. The FBI says that everything leads back to North Korea and that spoiled, hissy fit-throwing, bloated bitch Kim Jong-Un. The methods used in the hack are methods that the US knows North Korea has previously developed. The FBI’s full statement is here, but I’ve pasted a piece of it after the cut and it’s much more entertaining if you picture Detective La Toya and Detective Courtney Love saying these words while holding magnifying glasses over their eyes.

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Anyone who’s ever tried to get out of jury duty knows that shit is expert-level hard. You gotta make up lies about your cat needing 24-hour care and being severely allergic to legal jargon and the invisible talking grasshopper who told you that everyone who wears glasses is always guilty. But not Brad Pitt! According to The Daily Mail, Brad Pitt recently got out of jury duty on account of being Brad Pitt.

Last Friday, St. Angie’s husband showed up to the court house in downtown Los Angeles after receiving notification that he was needed for jury duty, but was reportedly turned away during the interview process because the court thought the presence of Oscar-winning superstar Brad Pitt in the jury box might be “too distracting” for people during the trial. An insider says Brad thought serving on a jury would be interesting and was actually hoping he’d get chosen for a short case, so I can imagine a whole lot of sadness snacks were eaten in the car ride back to Château du Cheekbones.

Celebrities serve on juries all the time, so I’m wondering what the real reason for was giving Brad the boot. It was probably because they knew there was a 96% chance he wouldn’t shower before he came to court and would end up stinking up the jury box with his damp nut smell and stale weed hair. No need to worry though – I’m sure Judge Jesus will select him for the jury that oversees the trial of St. Angie vs. Scott Rudin’s rude-ass comments about St. Angie in Heaven early next year.

Sluts of the world, let’s all gather around and pour out a cup of ass lube for one of our slut idols Cameron Diaz, because apparently she’s retiring from the ho shit game to marry a Madden. UsWeekly says that the couple, whose nickname should be ????? because they are the epitome of random, are really engaged after bumping overgrown crotch bushes for 7 months. Rumors about Cameron being engaged to human Monster Energy can Benji Madden have been going around for a while now, but a source tells UsWeekly that it’s really true this time. Well, at least us sluts got Kate Hudson back.

Some source says that 35-year-old Benji is the kind of trick who is always falling in love with a new lady, but this time it’s really ~true love~ and he wants to make 42-year-old Cameron Diaz his first wife. Cameron doesn’t need to get married, but she does want babies and Benji is a traditional tramp who won’t have kids unless he’s married. The source dribbled out these words about Cameron becoming Nicole Richie’s future sister-in-law:

“Everyone thinks it’s wild but are so happy for them. Benji always tends to fall in love easily, but this time it’s for real and he landed a great girl. They obviously both make each other incredibly happy and there’s nothing better than that. He is more traditional then her. She really doesn’t care about getting married but wants babies. He wants to get engaged and married first.”

I know Cameron has had more douches in her than the feminine hygiene product aisle at CVS, so it sort of makes sense that she’s hard up for a dude who looks like a member of Douches of Anarchy and boned Parasite Hilton dozens of times. But if you’re going to settle down with a douche, you should at least settle down with a top douche. Benji Madden isn’t even in the top 10 of the Biggest Douches in the World list. Is Dane Cook not available or something?

Also, Cameron Diaz has said before that she doesn’t want kids. So either the source (read: UsWeekly’s fall intern) is lying or Benji’s dick has serious powers. If this story is true and Cameron has really changed her mind about wanting kids, then Benji should name his dick “Obi-Wan Peenobi” because it knows how to bust out some Jedi Mind Tricks on a piece.

Here’s Cameron wearing a ring on THAT finger in London three days ago.

Pics: Wenn.com

Yes, I’m completely serious. Randy Newman gave us “I Love L.A.”, which in turn gave us a fame-hungry Kris Kardashian performing the cringeworthy masterpiece “I Love My Friends“, and for that we should be forever grateful.

After 9 years of confusing your right-wing uncle (“I don’t get it…does he hate Obamacare or not?“) Stephen Colbert said goodbye to The Colbert Report last night so that he could move into David Letterman’s old office at The Late Show. And just like Chelsea Handler did when she pulled the plug on Chelsea Lately in August, Stephen gathered a bunch of his famous friends together to sing “We’ll Meet Again”. Television: like a big-budget summer camp. Stephen was joined by the Cheers to his Frasier, Jon Stewart, as well as every other human on the planet. Bryan Cranston! Bill Clinton! Willie Nelson! North Korean Enemy No. 1 James Franco! Cookie Monster! You know you’re a big deal when you get Cookie Monster (I heard he’s a notorious recluse).

But my favorite part is around the 3:13 mark when Andy Cohen shows up and fucking BRINGS IT. Andy is singing like he’s got RuPaul, Michelle Visage, and Santino in the audience and there’s a lifetime supply of ColorEvolution cosmetics at stake.

Since Stephen Colbert the character won’t be going to The Late Show with Stephen Colbert the person, the show ends with Stephen Colbert flying away forever in a sleigh with Santa, Abraham Lincoln, and Alex Trebek. That’s an ok ending, but what I really would have liked to have seen was Stephen Colbert ripping off his mask and revealing that it was Chuck Noblet the whole time.

Fancy Lawyer Barbie Amal Clooney’s part-time Hollywood actor husband George has some major feelings about the Sony email hack. In case you’ve forgotten because your brain is too interested in St. Angie’s messy Cleopatra drama, several sad emails Georgie sent to Amy Pascal about the shit reviews for his film The Monuments Men were leaked last weekend. That would normally be enough to piss someone off, but it was Sony’s decision to pull The Interview that really set him over the edge. So much, that it made him angry enough to circulate…A PETITION.

George spoke to Deadline and told them about the petition he created with his agent to show support for Sony and unite as an industry to stand up to the terrorists threatening the release of The Interview, and confessed that NO ONE in Hollywood was brave enough to sign it. George’s letter is long as hell, so it’s hidden after the cut. By the way, it sounds badass if you read it while listening to “America, Fuck Yeah (Bummer Remix)“, so I suggest you throw that on to enhance your George Clooney American Hero Petition Experience.

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