Hot Slut Of The Day!

/ December 21, 2014

Kelloggs Apple Raisin Crisp cereal!

While thoroughly researching yesterday’s HSOTD (and by “thoroughly” I mean spending 3 minutes trolling through Google Images) I was hit with the soggy apple crisp memory of Apple Raisin Crisp cereal by Kellogg’s when my eyes landed on a picture of its box. I completely forgot about that deliciousness, but thankfully almost everything lives on in Google Images. Apple Raisin Crisp cereal came out in the mid-80s and my mom used to buy it for us, because she thought it was kind of healthy since it had the word “apple” in its title.

In case you couldn’t tell from the cross stitch look (which gives me shades of vintage Family Feud) of the box, Apple Raisin Crisp cereal was supposed to be something your grandma would make. It was your grandma in a bowl and I’m sure many children said, “It’s like I’m eating grandma,” after shoveling spoonfuls in their mouths. It was delicious, but it wasn’t anything my grandma would make. My abuelita never made shit like apple crisp. If Kellogg’s wanted to sell a cereal based on stuff my abuelita would make, they’d put out Menudo Crisp Cereal or Pupusa Loroco Surprise cereal. (Side note: If I were ever to do drag, Pupusa Loroco would be my drag name.)

Kellogg’s doesn’t make Apple Raisin Crisp cereal anymore, but you can recreate the deliciousness of it by adding chunks of stale apple pie to a bowl of Raisin Bran, which is what I’ll be doing on the morning of December 26th I’m sure.

Pic: InThe80s

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Open Post: Hosted By Martha Stewart’s “Gingerbread Abbey”

/ December 20, 2014

I love gingerbread. So far this holiday season, I have eaten nearly 9 dozen gingerbread cookies. I am not proud of that, but it’s the truth. I have also made a two-storey gingerbread house, and I am counting down the days till I can smash it open and gnaw at the stale pieces like a hungry rat rooting through the trash. Again, I am not proud of that. So obviously Martha Stewart’s gingerbread version of Downton Abbey is doing things to me. I want to eat it all, and I don’t care how many gross hands have touched it. People says Martha’s Gingerbread Abbey took 2 hours to assemble and 34 hours to decorate. But I’m sure it only took 3 seconds to piss off Martha’s sworn enemy Gwyneth Paltrow, who no doubt ran into her kitchen, fired up her La Cornue Grand Palais 180 oven, and screamed at her assistants “I need 2 gallons of imported French molasses, 8 bags of organic hand-pressed rice flour, and the blueprints for Buckingham Palace RIGHT NOW!”

(via People)

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Hacker Group Anonymous Has Threatened To Reveal Secrets About Iggy Azalea Unless She Apologizes To Azealia Banks

/ December 20, 2014

For those of you thinking “Which one is the Itchy?“, American-sounding Australian rapper Iggy Azalea is on the left, and crazy-pants “gremlin baby” (copyright: T.I.) Azealia Banks is on the right. And right now, the one on the left is sweating her phony accent off, because she might have to decide between a public apology to the crusty human canker sore in her life or the door of her closet being blasted open and all of her skeletons falling out.

In case you’re not caught up on your messy Twitter fights, the latest feud between Iggy Azalea and Azealia Banks started when Iggy took a couple swipes at Azealia on Twitter after she discovered that Azealia was once again talking shit about her during a recent radio interview. Not surprisingly, Azealia hissed back a bunch of crazy, and it just escalated from there. And now its gotten 10x messier, because the hacker group Anonymous has gotten themselves involved, and they’re Team Azealia Banks. According to Billboard, Anonymous started tweeting at Iggy Azalea last night, accusing her that she’s guilty of “misappropriating black culture, insulting peaceful protesters, and making light of Eric Garner’s death” and threatening that if she doesn’t release a statement apologizing to Azealia Banks and the protesters in NYC, they would release proof that an Iggy Azalea sex tape exists. Not the whole tape, mind you, but several screen grabs showing her face, and maybe one of two of her old ass (I’m just assuming; they didn’t actually say that last part).

So far, Iggy Azalea hasn’t said anything about Anonymous’ threats or an apology, so it sounds like she might be calling their bluff like you used to when you were a kid and your babysitter threatened to call your parents. “Yeah? Go ahead. Here, use the good phone – that other one cuts in and out.” And Azealia Banks hasn’t said anything, because she’s too busy getting into a Twitter fight with rapper Action Bronson.

I’m sure there is someone somewhere has a video of Iggy Azalea going to town on some dude’s didgeridoo, but does anyone really care that much? I feel like this is just Anonymous being jealous that the Sony hackers are getting so much attention. “Hey! Over here! We have stuff to leak too! Pay attention to us!

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After Many Months Away, The King And Queen Of Courtside PDA Make Their Triumphant Return!

/ December 20, 2014

Cue the Welcome Back, Kotter theme! For the past several months, there has been a noticeable lack of blatant PDA courtside at Lakers games, and it was all because the king and queen of the Kiss Cam, Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher, took a bit of a hiatus to have a baby. Baby Wyatt was born back in October, and I’m sure they would have loved to have gone to their second home (the Staples Center) at least once in the past couple months, but we all know those two don’t have a nanny who could watch their baby, so there’s no way they could have left the house. But last night, by some divine miracle, Jackie and Kelso managed to find a babysitter (Wilmer Valderrama, who had nothing better to do and could use the cash) and took in their first Lakers game since becoming parents.

And of course, their first order of business was to get their public smooch on, because it’s not a Lakers game unless Jackie and Kelso start sucking face. They also were sort of dressed alike from the waist-down, which I’m not feeling, because adults that dress like twinsies always give me the creeps. And for those of you looking at Ashton wearing a trucker hat and starting to panic, don’t worry – I just checked today’s date, and we didn’t actually go back in time to 2003.

Here’s more of Jackie and Kelso and Jackie’s boobs looking like acome-to-life Abercrombie ad at the Lakers game last night:

Pics: Splash

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And Now For The Time Kim Kardashian Kommanded Pimp Mama Kris To Stop Dressing Like A Goth Pilgrim

/ December 20, 2014

From what I’ve gleaned in the 0.03 seconds of Keeping Up With The Klassless Trashians that I’ve seen, it was my understanding that Pimp Mama Kris is the one who kalls all the shots in that family, like what you wear, how many times a year you get married, the best time to accidentally leak a sex tape. But recently, PMK’s most profitable ho Kim Kardashian pulled a gutsy move and sent her mother an email telling her to fix her shit, fashion-wise. Is that drowsy-looking hooker crazy? Rule no. 1: never come for the bitch who controls your checking account!

Pimp Mama Kris posted a screen-grab of the email to Instagram yesterday, and yes, Kim Kardashian writes exactly how you’d think that lazy trick would write. Terrible spelling, and not a capital letter or period in sight. I’m sure spambots read this email and were like “###damn KIMKARDASHIAN, even my aunt who makes $7,956/hr working fromhome selling #1 top quality enhancement pills uses proper sentence structure###“.

Kim Kardashian Email

Well, that was blunt – she didn’t even try to sugar-coat it. Or maybe her version of sugar-coating is deleting the words “LISTEN UP, U UGLY HAG” from the subject line. Either way, like Kim is in any position to give fashion advice. Hooker please, you sell clothes at Sears! Sure, PMK dresses like a real estate agent’s interpretation of Wednesday Addams, but that’s no worse than looking like an overstuffed sausage in heels, like some people. Kim, just because your current husband has the creative director of Givench as the #1 on his speed-dial doesn’t make you the honorary queen of fashion.

Speaking of over-stuffed sausages in heels, here’s Kim looking like a boiled weisswurst while visiting a laser clinic with a comically-assed Khloe Kardashian and cold bowl of soggy Special K Kendull Jenner yesterday.

Pics: Instagram, Splash

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Who Knew These Two Were Such Huge Designing Women Fans?

/ December 20, 2014

Look at Robert Duvall’s crotchety old face behind them. I know it’s just a poster, but it looks like he’s about to bark: “Oh, knock it off, you two – movie premieres aren’t THAT much fun.

After many months – nine, to be exact – Kristen Bell has evicted the tiny freeloader living rent-free in her womb, and now she and her husband Frito Pendejo Dax Shepard are the parents to their second baby girl. Kristen and Dax already have a 21-month-old daughter named Lincoln Bell Shepard, and I was hoping they might stick with the American History theme and this new baby would be called Washington or Liberty Bell or something. But they didn’t do that; instead, they did something MUCH better. Kristen announced the arrival of baby no. 2 on Twitter last night, and I’m going to take this as a sign that their favorite Designing Woman was Suzanne Sugarbaker:

Kristen Bell Tweet

Delta Bell Shepard! That’s only 3 letters off from being named Delta Burke, aka one of the most prolific and important fashion designers of our time. The only way that name could be better is if they changed Delta to Julia and legally changed the baby’s last name from Shepard to Sugarbaker.

Or maybe they chose Delta because they really love air travel, but American Airlines Shepard was just too awkward and United Shepard sounds like a weird cult. Or maybe it was an on-purpose mistake by a hospital nurse who couldn’t bear to see another baby named Elsa this year. “Elsa? Oh, hell no…change that S to a T, and throw a D in front. There. You’re welcome, baby.” I don’t know. Regardless, congratulations to them both!

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