The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNERS For January 5th!

/ January 6, 2015

You have your choice of the thrusher, the gusher or the emergency room musher. – pamorama_j

Upvote winner:

To Catch a Kardashian – Falkor

I have no idea if your job’s rules and regulations handbook states that it’s okay to look at pictures of a Michelle Pfeiffer look-alike holding a giant strap-on dildo, so I put the uncensored pic after the cut just in case that’s a no no.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

/ January 6, 2015

Keebler Chachos!

No, you’re not still wasted and blurry-eyed from New Year’s (I think). That picture is in drunk bitch vision, because I couldn’t find a Hi-Res, crystal clear picture of a bag of Keebler Chachos on the Internet. I can easily find a picture of any part on any Kartrashian on the Internet, but yet I can’t find a clear picture of a much more culturally important product. For shame. Oh, Internet, you’ve done me wrong for the first time this year. Actually, that’s not true. The Internet did me wrong a few days ago when I typed “ginger gay orgy” on Pornhub and nothing came up.

Keebler Chachos (Side note: If I ever get another chihuahua, its name will be Keebler Chachos) were pushed into stores by those carb-pushing elves sometime in the late 80s and it stayed around until the early 2000s. While most chips were made from corn or potatoes, Chachos were made from flour. They came in three flavors: original, Cheesy Quesadilla and Cinnamon Crispana. I only had Cinnamon Crispana. It was like a casual sopapilla.

A brand of chips called Chachos exist today, but they have nothing to do with Keebler. They’re made with corn instead of flour. But Keebler Chachos will forever live inside us and what I mean by that is that the commercial’s song hasn’t left my brain since the 90s.

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Birthday Sluts

/ January 6, 2015

Norman Reedus (46)
Tiffany Pollard aka New York (33)
Irina Shayk (29)
Alex Turner (29)
Kate McKinnon (31)
Eddie Redmayne (33)
Rinko Kikuchi (34)
Mike Jones (34)
Danny Pintauro (39)
Gabrielle Reece (45)
Julie Chen (45)
Ree Drummond the Pioneer Woman (46)
John Singleton (47)
Jesse Dylan (49)
Howie Long (55)
Nigella Lawson (55)
Rowan Atkinson (60)
Malcolm Young (62)

Pic: PB

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Cameron Diaz Actually Went Through With Marrying Benji Madden

/ January 5, 2015

Well, it really happened. Our slut sensei (slutsei?) and peen-chasing idol, Cameron Diaz, is officially out of the game and has hung her vagina up on Benji Madden’s dick for now. Cameron had a legendary run and she did us mega sluts proud, but I guess there comes a time in every slut’s life when they have to let their fuck parts breathe a bit and settle down. This is why I weep. Leonardo DiCaprio better not even think of settling down, because he’s the slut hero we need now more than ever!

Earlier when Allison wrote about how florists and shit were setting up at Cameron’s house in Beverly Hills, I thought that maybe just maybe she would realize that there’s more peen in the sea, get cold feet cooch and pull a Runaway Bride. But that didn’t happen. Cameron really did get married to the dude who wet humped on Parasite Hilton regularly. Benji and Cameron have been doing each other full-time since May and they got engaged 2 seconds ago. They gave this statement to People:

“We couldn’t be happier to begin our new journey together surrounded by our closest family and friends.”

Begin our new journey together?! What kind of lovey-dovey shit?

UsWeekly says that Cameron’s bridesmaids were Drew Barrymore, her new sister-in-law Nicole Richie, her assistant and her sister Chimène. (Side note: Cameron may be the richest Diaz sister, but Chimène is the Diaz sister with the hottest first name.) Benji and Cameron’s guests included Goopy Paltrow, Samantha Ronson, Robin Antin, Reese Witherspoon and a bunch of other rich Hollywood types who can party hard on a Monday night without worrying about calling in sick to their job the next day.

Congratulations to Cameron and Benji. And congratulations to psychology students specializing in dickmatization. They now have a case to write their thesis about.

Pic: FameFlynet

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Blake Lively Already Had Her Baby

/ January 5, 2015

Sometimes it feels like famous people are a special species (“We are, you peon bitch” – famous people) who are pregnant for at least 18 months, but I guess Blake NotSoLively just had to be different and birth out her baby early.

3 months after announcing that she had a womb full of her first child with Ryan Reynolds, People says that Blake gave birth to a baby who will remind them what their original noses looked like before a plastic surgeon’s scalpel touched them. People says that even though their baby was born early, it’s healthy and fine. That’s the only detail that People has and that’s probably because Blake is going to give all the details in an eye roll-inducing post on Preserve.us. My guess is that Blake gave birth in a barn lit by candlelight with the help of a midwife. Right after she cleaned her baby off with homemade rose water, she made Ryan Reynolds leave the barn and change into a confederate soldier’s uniform before coming back in, so she could say to him, “My love, I do declare!  You came back from the war to see your fresh born kin!

The only detail any of us care about is the baby’s name, but since Blake and Ryan are selfish, they haven’t released it yet. So let’s guess!

If it’s a girl, my guesses are: Antebella Mammy Rose, Anthropologina Cotton, Leelee O’Hara Grits, Artisanalina Clementine or Martha Stewart Jr.

If it’s a boy, my guesses are: Bayou Cane, Rhett Twain, Beauregard Sawyer, Boo Boysenberry or Top That Lincoln.

Or maybe they’ll go the old-fashioned, classic route and name their child: Fuckgoop Reynolds. Simple and timeless.

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Night Crumbs

/ January 5, 2015

Sienna Miller thinks that having a baby made directors see her in a different light (the “different light” being serious mother instead of party girl home wrecker) which is why she got cast in some big movies. Why did Sienna have to say that? Every hospital better put their nursery on lockdown, because now Lindsay Lohan is going to steal one of the newborns, dip it in orange paint, paint freckles on it with an orange Sharpie and spray the Lohan family signature scent (wet cigarettes and bottom shelf vodka) all over it so she can pass it off as her own in hopes that directors will start casting her in stuff. Good going, Sienna! – Lainey Gossip

Rosie Huntington-Whateverly and her one facial expression did Elle UKDrunken Stepfather

Teresa Giudice’s new lawyer doesn’t know how to do math – Reality Tea

Bill Maher took his young leased piece to the beach – WWTDD

Finally, some good news from Florida! Starting today, everyone can get married there. If you hear the sound of a blood-curdling, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO,” don’t pay it much attention. It’s just Anita Bryant screaming from her orange grove – Towleroad

And somewhere on the sidelines, Pimp Mama Kris is screaming, “Work it, own it!” Hollywood Tuna

The source probably got it wrong. They heard “Ariana Grande and Big Sean have split” instead of “Big Sean split Ariana Grande with his fireplace flue dick.” Open your ears, source! – The Superficial 

Katy Perry is going to do something at the Super Bowl that will destroy her arch enemy Taylor Swift. So she’s either going to scissor Karlie Kloss onstage or blow up an Easy Bake Oven – Gawker

Prince Hot Ginge’s uncle may be the Woody Allen of the British royal family – Celebitchy

I’m sorry to hear that Adele Dazeem and Yates Grudds are divorced now” said John TravoltaICYDK

Frenchy and Sandy: Together again! – Boy Culture

Why did I just spend 2 minutes looking for Dakota Johnson’s camel toe? – Popoholic

Why did I just spend 2 minutes looking at the tip of a German gangsta rapper’s dick? Oh, I know why: dick – OMG Blog

There’s a new Cinderella trailer in case you want a reason to watch Ever After again – Pajiba

And just like that, Usher has a new wallpaper picture for his phone – SOW

I do not know what is going on in this picture of Hayden Panettiere and her new baby – Popsugar

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! – Jezebel

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