Movie theater owners all shat up a “PHEW!” last November when Jamie Dornan said that his todger would not be making a cameo in Fifty Shades Of Shit. They were relieved because the sight of Jamie Dornan’s soft uncut dick swinging back and forth on the big screen like a butterfly trying to get out of its cocoon would make every horny, middle-aged mom scoot her twat along her seat, and everything would have to be reupholstered. Jamie’s dick not making an appearance in Fifty Shades is bad news for us, but good news for theater owners. Jamie continued to talk about his peen in the new issue British GQ (via Lainey Gossip).

While talking about shooting sex scenes, Jamie says that his down low parts were tucked into one of those peen socks:

“Your dignity is intact as much as it’s all tucked away in a little flesh-coloured bag… As a guy you put all your essentials in a little bag and you tie it up like a little bag of grapes and it’s tucked away. Its quite a peculiar thing to do every day.”

Jamie also got into how he learned that the S&M life isn’t all darkness and seriousness:

“In the course of researching this character, I have seen the reality very closely. I can tell you from an alarmingly first-hand perspective it’s not altogether sexy. But I’ve been in a dungeon with a lukewarm beer while a dominant has had some fun with his submissive and it was very playful and jovial and not at all dark and serious. There was a lot of laughter…”

It’s funny he should say that, because I’m sure many of us are going to throw up an ocean of HAHAHAs while watching his S&M scenes in Fifty Shades. But back to his peen and huevos….

So is he saying that when he put his parts in a “little bag,” it looked like a sack full of grapes? I need a visual. This is the best picture I could find of grapes in a little bag.

Hmmm. Yeah, I’ll still find a way to fap to that.

If you hear on the news later that a desperate, deranged, slobbering skinny fat gay was arrested at a Trader Joe’s in California after he was caught rubbing his bare ass all over the little bags of grapes in the produce section, print out this post and give it to my court-appointed attorney. It may help my insanity defense.

Sam Smith, the lumberjack version of Rick Astley, friend of Tay Tay, and popular singer of 2014, recently sat down with life legend Chaka Khan for an interview with V Magazine and confessed that there are some real shitheads in pop music right now. Shocked, I’m sure you are. Sam Smith and Her Majesty Chaka began bonding over their mutual love of Etta James and her imperfect voice (“Thanks, guys” hissed Etta James from her beautiful blonde cloud up in Heaven), which turned into a conversation about how yodeling hos all try to sound so perfect and machine-like now, to which Sam chimed in:

“Even when you meet them. I won’t name names, but some of these pop stars are just awful. And they have not even had half the success that you’ve had and yet you’re so humble and kind.“

Calm down, Sam – you’re wanking Chaka off so fast and furiously, you’re bound to start a small fire. Besides, Chaka doesn’t need to know how great Chaka is. Chaka already knows. But more importantly, who are these awful pop stars Sam Smith is referring to? Once again, I am deeply disappointed that a bitch didn’t name names. First rule of cunt club: never be afraid to call a trick out. However, if we have to guess who it is, I’m going with either that awful entitled polyester-haired brat Ariana Grande or…you know what? It’s probably Ariana Grande. That might be why he didn’t name names. I mean, even Ariana Grande (who is at this very moment thinking of ways to terrorize the Easter Bunny, I’m sure) is like, yeah, that sounds like me.

Or maybe this is just Sam Smith’s way of getting back at Selena Gomez for killing his buzz at Tay Tay’s birthday party. “Chaka Khan would never drunkenly cry over Justin Bieber, right Chaka Khan?“

British treasure Stephen Fry announced to his millions of Twitter followers this morning that he’s going to marry his stand-up comedian boyfriend Elliot Spencer. The Sun (via The Daily Mail) says that Stephen and Elliot have been a thing since this past summer, which means they’ve heard a server say, “And what would your grandson like, sir? The kid’s menu is on the back” at least a dozen times.

One of Stephen’s “friends” tells The Mirror that before he met Elliot, he was in a bad and dark place and tried to commit suicide in 2012. But since nothing will make you love life again like hot, young dick, Stephen is happier than ever. The “friend” put it like this:

“Stephen and Elliott get on brilliantly together. It’s fantastic to see Stephen with a smile on his face again. He has been very, very open about his battles with drugs and depression. Elliott seems to have given him the confidence to live his life again. It’s great to have the old Stephen back.”

Before you check the “Success Stories” page of SeekingArrangement.com to see if their picture is on there and before The International Gold Diggers Association engraves Elliot’s name on a golden shovel trophy, you and they should know that the source claims that Elliot comes from a rich family.

Stephen and his One Direction-looking ass partner got engaged before Christmastimes and are going to get married sometime this year. It’ll be kind of poetic if they started humping full-time in May and got engaged in December. Stephen tweeted that he’s hoping the wedding will be a private event:

Oh. It looks as though a certain cat is out of a certain bag. I’m very very happy of course but had hoped for a private wedding. Fat chance!

— Stephen Fry (@stephenfry) January 6, 2015

Thank you all SO much for your kind congratulations. Deeply touched xxx

— Stephen Fry (@stephenfry) January 6, 2015

Stephen Fry is a treasure so I’m happy for him for finding happiness between a pair of tight 27-year-old nalgas. Congrats!

Pic: AP

After several months of maybe rubbing against Diplo’s DJ dick stick and a possible one-time hit it n’ quit it n’ get tested for whatever you got from it with humanoid Florida truck stop toilet seat sperm Riff Raff, it sounds like store brand Jane Lane Katy Perry might be sliding back down the douche ladder and landing on the Vinegar Prince himself, John Mayer. Uh…get it girl? I guess?

According to UsWeekly, Katy and John were spotted having dinner together this weekend, and as we all know, dinner = hard core fucking. A source tells UsWeekly that the two have “reconnected” (again, fucking), adding that “things just needed to cool down. They aren’t officially back on but talking again.”

But what happened between Katy and her Taylor Swift-dragging beau Diplo? According to that same source (Daria), it was only ever just a hook up thing and they were never serious about each other because Katy was touring and didn’t have time for a boyfriend type in her life. Well, I guess that answers my question “For why the hell is Katy Perry hanging out with a grown dude who starts Twitter fights with teenagers?” Casual boning. The answer is casual boning.

But back to John Mayer. After Katy Perry and John Mayer had dinner, apparently they went back to Katy’s house. NO KATY! You can’t keep wrapping your down-lows around John Mayer’s douche rod! That’s how you get dickmatized. Or maybe they went back to Katy’s house to play a game called Who I Did When I Was Done Doing You. That’s a game people play, right? Regardless, if Katy is going to go out for dinner with all her past pieces, I hope she remembers to brace herself when it comes time to ask Russell Brand how much the bill came to.

The holes in my brain (and I’m sure there’s plenty since I’ve watched the Screech sex tape a couple of times) squirted out a stream of question marks last October when X-Men director and twink aficionado Bryan Singer announced that his best friend of 25 years Michelle Clunie (that’s Melanie Marcus to those of us who watched the American Queer As Folk) was knocked up with his kid. Well, that baby is now here. Last night, Bryan tweeted this picture of his and Michelle’s newborn baby son. If you put your ear to the screen you can almost hear Bryan’s Botoxed mug crack as he pushes out a fatherly smile.

Even though Bryan is quite bi-sexual, he and Michelle don’t fuck and they have a platonic friendship. It was reported that he bought her a house down the street from his and will pay for her living expenses. They plan to raise their son together. It’s very The Next Best Thing but without Benjamin Bratt, the drunken hetero boning and court battle. Bryan added this note with the picture of his family:

Michelle Clunie and I would like to welcome our beautiful son Dashiell Julius William Clunie~Singer into the world 🙂

They should’ve added just one more name since that kid’s name isn’t long enough. When Dashiell Julius Williams Clunie-Singer starts driving, he’s going to need a fold-out drivers license, because his full name won’t fit on a regular one.

Well, I guess having a kid is one way for people to forget that twink drugging and raping lawsuit (which was dropped) and see Bryan Singer as a family man. Hopefully Bryan has been hitting the weights, because he’s going to need a lot of strength to rock Baby Dashiell to sleep in one arm while using his other arm to snort a line of the bad shit off of a twink’s stomach at one of his pool parties.

I’m sure you’re like “So Charlie Sheen got into a fight with a hooker? So what? This is news?“, but it is news, because for the first time in history it has nothing to do with money or drugs or pawning the diamond engagement ring he gave them when he was high on drugs. According to TMZ, the current bee in Charlie Sheen’s meth-scorched bonnet is none other than Kim Kardashian. Random, thy name is whatever the hell this situation is.

Charlie tells TMZ that it all started after his friend C. Thomas Howell told him a story about the time he witnessed a 6-year-old Kim K superfan ask PMK’s bottom bitch for an autograph. Charlie says Kim – who he refers to as “Scar-Trashion” – turned the kid down like a rude bitch by telling her assistant “Oh god, can you handle this?” before speeding away in her car, and now the little girl “cries about it every night before she goes to sleep.” Or maybe she was just upset after seeing Kim’s spackle-coated rubber cat mask face in real life? Either way, Charlie clearly doesn’t like it when famous types make children sad, so he hissed the following Twitter rant at Kim:

“you are lucky that ANYONE cares about your gross and giggly bag of funk you dare call an ass. Let’s compare resumes loser…yeah I thot so. your public loves u. give some thing back or go fuk yourself…”

“my apologies to your hubby, great guy I’m sure, I hope his vision returns one day….“

“I hope his vision returns one day” – that’s kind of rich coming from a dude who, depending on the lighting, sometimes looks like a human Boglin. He then wrapped up his fart-scented air kiss to Kim with the hashtag #GiantAssZeroClass. “That’s klass with a K. Get it right” hissed back Kim’s agent, Lucifer H. Satan.

Of course, a source close to Kim says it’s not true, and she’ll never say no to an autograph, especially for a child.

What Charlie doesn’t realize is that he’s directing his anger towards the wrong person. He should be mad at that 6-year-old girl! Kim only has so many hours in the day to get photographed walking to and from her car, and she doesn’t have time to stop and sign autographs. Duh! If that kid was such a fan, she would know not to bother Kim while she’s “working”.

UPDATE: Charlie must have received a visit from Lucifer H. Satan’s goon squad (Rob and Khloe), because he just released an apology to Kim.