When it was announced back in June that former child star and current Adam’s crazy hipster sister on Girls Gaby Hoffmann was knocked up with a tiny kombucha-scented vegan cronut, I knew right away that we were but months away from some potential hipster-sounding birth story foolery. Sadly, when she did finally give birth to a baby girl on November 19th, there didn’t seem to be any. No hand-carved reclaimed barn wood birthing pools filled with organic rainwater. No small-batch epidurals made from steeped sage leaves and raw honey. Even the baby’s name – Rosemary – was pretty normal.

However, she didn’t totally let me down. During the Girls Season 4 premiere on Monday, Gaby disclosed her post-baby secret to People, and just like January Jones before her, that secret is eating her placenta:

“Placenta, placenta, placenta. Just eat that shit up, and it does a girl good! I made smoothies out of it for three weeks. I had a home birth, so my midwife and my doula took it and cut it up into 20 pieces and froze it, and every day, I put it in a blender with strawberries and blueberries and guava juice and a banana, and I drank that shit up.”

I wish I was half as enthusiastic about anything as Gaby Hoffmann is about eating her placenta. I picture her in a little party hat throwing herself a placenta fiesta every morning as she dances into the kitchen and throws on the Vitamix.

I feel like I’m in no place to throw any kind of shade at Gaby for eating her birth extras, because I’ve put worse shit in my mouth. And when I say shit, I mean, literal garbage. One time I made a sandwich that was just Doritos between two slices of white bread. “One time? LOL, that’s cute” just hissed my stomach. I’ve also been known to replace milk with melted ice cream in my cereal. I’m literally at the point in my life where eating my placenta would be considered a positive lifestyle change.

So I guess “Bye Phylicia” is the new “Bye Felicia.”

And now we’re once again being reminded that actors are not the characters they play on TV. Bill Cosby is definitely not Cliff Huxtable and Phylicia Rashad is not Clair Huxtable. Because Clair Huxtable would never, but Phylicia Rashad would.

Most of the cast of The Cosby Show have kept their lips glued shut when it comes to the allegations from the 20 plus woman who claim that Bill Cosby drugged and raped them. Keshia Knight Pulliam recently opened up her mouth about it and only said that she wasn’t there and she can only speak of the man she loves who created a legacy. Even Rudy Huxtable knew that it’s probably not a good idea to stamp the “LIE-TELLER” label on Bill Cosby’s alleged victims. But Phylicia Rashad doesn’t care and she went all out while speaking with Showbiz 411’s Roger Friedman.

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And now we know Nicole Kidman’s horn-horn face looks like. “Yeah, that’s pretty much what I always imagined it would look like” thinks Tom Cruise. Elsa’s Australian cousin made an appearance on The Tonight Show last night to promote winter (sorry, I’m being told she was actually promoting that Paddington Bear movie) and Jimmy Fallon remarked that it was the first time they’d seen each other since a weird meeting at Jimmy’s apartment years ago.

According to Jimmy, a friend called him up and asked if he could swing by his house with Nicole Kidman, who wanted to talk about what he assumed was the possibility of appearing in that awful Bewitched reboot she was doing. Jimmy agreed and ran out to get some brie, because that’s what you do when people come over – you have cheese for them (duh).

However, Nicole Kidman told a very different story. Nicole, who was single at the time, says she wanted their mutual friend to set her up with Jimmy Fallon, because she had a crush on him and wanted to take him to the down undah boan zoan. Unfortunately, she says he didn’t say much to her when they arrived, and she knew it wasn’t going to happen when he put on a video game. So she left, and figured he was either not interested or gay.

Of course, Jimmy acts like he has no clue that Nicole Kidman wanted to date him, but you know he totally did and throwing on that video game was just his way of letting her down easy. How could he date a woman that has trouble forcing her face muscles into a smile, let alone a laugh? Making jokes is all the game he’s got!

According to UsWeekly, preparations are currently underway at Pope Castle (is that the name of the Pope’s house? I really should have paid more attention to my Catholic cousins) to receive the most important guests this side of Jesus: St. Angelina Jolie and her greasy glass of dirty bong water husband Brad Pitt. An insider says that St. Angie and The Funyun King have planned a trip to Italy for a “VIP meet-and-greet” at the Vatican with Pope Francis. I didn’t know the Vatican had a VIP package? I bet it comes with a Bible wrapped in Rolexes or something.

It might seem weird that Brad and Angie want to meet Pope Francis, considering Brad has admitted before that he flip-flops between agnosticism and atheism, but according to this insider, they both admire Pope Francis and “like the Pope’s message”. No word on whether or not St. Angie’s angel babies are going with them, but I’m going to guess probably not, because, really, what use would they have for the Pope? They’ve already been gifted with a lifetime of blessings (ie. staring into St. Angie’s miraculous cheese knife cheekbones every morning when they wake up, hearing her heavenly voice scream at Brad to “open a damn window and turn down COPS” every night as they drift off to sleep).

I know they’re trying to spin this visit like it’s some kind of celebrity Pope visit, but we all know what it really is; the first staff meeting of 2015 for Heaven’s on-Earth reps. If you hear of Bruce Jenner making a surprise trip to Italy sometime in the next couple of days, you’ll know why (he’s an angel to me). And I’m sure Angie has a lot to talk about this year too: famine, floods, poverty, but most importantly – Scott Rudin taking the Lord’s name in vain by referring to God’s favorite savior St. Angie as a spoiled brat.

And it looks like the angel St. Angie rode to Italy flew at the speed of light, because here she is arriving in Rome today:

Pics: Splash

Quentin Tarantino is opening his new restaurant… your meal comes wrapped around Uma Thurman’s foot. – Strepsi

Upvote winner:

Those must be her Eat Me pumps. – Unify Normal

Pic: Izismile

Kai, the adorable Shar-pei from who found his ass homeless after his owner or owners left him at a train station in Scotland with all his worldly belongings in a suitcase.

Last Friday afternoon, a human with a heart made of Lucifer’s dried tears dropped off Kai and all his stuff (a bowl, some food, a pillow and a toy) at a train station and said, “Good luck, kid,” before walking out of his life forever. Who knows why that human stopped caring about Kai like their name was Pimp Mama Kris and Kai was Rob Kardashian. Maybe that human lost their job and couldn’t afford to take care of Kai anymore? Maybe they’re Paris Hilton-levels of fucking stupid and didn’t know you have to feed a living thing and take care of it. Maybe they thought you just cuddle with them when you want to and dress them up? Who knows why they decided to not look for a home for Kai and instead left him at a train station in Scotland.

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