Elvis Presley (1935 – 1977)
Allison “Creepy Chan” Harvard (27)
Gaby Hoffmann (33)
Rachel Nichols (35)
Sam Riley (35)
Sarah Polley (36)
Amber Benson (38)
Jenny Lewis (39)
Sean Paul (42)
Jason Giambi (44)
R. Kelly (48)
Michelle Forbes (50)
Harriet Harris (60)
Wolfgang Puck (66)
David Bowie (68)
Rey Misterio, Sr. (67)
Stephen Hawking (73)
Carolina Herrera (76)
Bob Eubanks (77)
Shirley Bassey (78)

Arianna Huffington threw possible future Oscar nominee Jennifer Aniston (typing that awakened a bunch of locusts) a party to celebrate Cake and it must have been a formal event because Chelsea Handler didn’t flash her tits and Justin Theroux wore an elegant cock ring belt. (Sadly, Aniston didn’t wear her just-as-elegant cock ring necklace) – Lainey Gossip 

Speaking of formal and classy events, Gloria Govan popped her tit out at The Wedding Ringer premiere. The tit is in your court, Chelsea Handler. Don’t let Gloria take the game! – WWTDD

Anne Hathaway has the perfect Oscar hosting advice for Doogie Howser – Celebitchy

Olivia Munn’s chichis make a nice puppy head rest – Drunken Stepfather

I hope Teen Mom Jenelle doesn’t scheduled her wedding on the same day as the Ke$ha concert – Reality Tea

Beth Ditto got married – Towleroad

The Ant-Man movie looks like a boring mess, but I will watch it if his arch rival is Ladybug-Boy – The Superficial

Bill Gates demonstrates a machine that can turn caca into drinkable water. This is great, because it means that sometime in the future I’ll be able to turn that Miley Cyrus CD I bought for whatever reason into drinkable water – Hollywood Tuna

And somewhere, a fancy baby is dribbling food all over its clothes because Yaya DaCosta took its bib – Tom + Lorenzo

If Peter Pan and Tinkerbell had a really annoying baby – Popoholic

What did low-level STUNT QUEEN Brandi Glanville do for attention this time? – Jezebel

I just said, “Yeah, I would,” out loud while looking at these pictures of Ben Affleck in a t-shirt and my dog gave me a look that either said “I’m judging you” or “I’m judging you, but I’ll stop if you give me some bacon” – Popsugar

The key to world peace: Hot firefighters posing with fluffy animal friends – The Berry

“Steely Dan? I’ve never heard of him” said every teenager while looking at the Coochella line-up – OMG Blog

How to get fired from your hospital job and never work in another hospital again in one easy step! – Pajiba

If by “vagina,” Iggy Azalea means “annoying songs and shitty personality,” then she’s right! – HuffPo

If I ever see Wonky McValtrex out in public, I’m going to hand her a tiny white cotton ball with Sharpie eyes painted on it and tell her it’s the tiniest dog in the world and it can be hers for only $500,000! – ICYDK

Fifty Shades of Grey gets an R-rating and yes, the R stands for RunFromThisShitAndLogOntoBrazzersInstead – Just Jared

Pic: Getty

“Don’t cry for me Monaco-ooooooooh – Actually, please do, because I’m fucking miserable.”

Princess Charlene and Prince Albert officially presented their 4-week-old twins, Jacques and Gabriella, on the balcony of the Royal Palace of Monaco and it was declared a national holiday to celebrate the presenting of the royal twins. Um, who do us Americans need to bitch and moan to about not getting a day off of work when our royal children, Blue Ivy Carter and Shauna Sand’s daughters, were born?

Princess Charlene also debuted the bangs they gave her to hide the incision in her forehead that surgeons made to implant the chip that will force her to smile when out in public. No, Princess Charlene actually looks kind of happy here. She usually has miserable resting face, but here she has kind-of-happy-and-really-tired resting face.

These pictures make me pretty nervous, though. Ever since that “Michael Jackson dangles Blanket over a balcony” disaster, babies near balconies make me uncomfortable. Any precious thing near a balcony makes me uncomfortable. That is why I have to practically Super Glue my iPhone to the inside of my pocket when I get near a balcony. If I dropped it over the edge, my life would over.

Pics: Wenn.com

I really can’t wait for Ryan Murphy’s new FX anthology series American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson, because shit has got me intrigued and with each casting announcement I let out a bigger “HUH?”

So far, the cast is a motley crew of randoms. If I was casting it, I’d be more predictable. I’d cast Khloe Kardashian as O.J., Joe Jonas’ eyebrows as Robert Shapiro, Richard Simmons as Marcia Clark (they have the same hair) and Los Angeles news anchor Colleen Williams as Robert Kardashian (again, they have the same hair). But Ryan Murphy has gone into left field and pulled out the last actors you’d pick to play the roles they’re playing. Cuba Gooding Jr. is O.J. Simpson, David Schwimmer is Robert Kardashian, Sarah Paulson is Marcia Clark, and it was announced today that John Travolta will play lawyer and Shoedazzle co-founder Robert Shapiro. I don’t know if this show will be a major part of TV history, but I have a feeling it will be a major part of camp history.

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Then you’re in luck, because here’s a video of a next-level filthy Shia LaBeouf looking like something that crawled out of Leo DiCaprio’s beard after a 12-hour fuck session with Marjory the Trash Heap while interpretive dance cage fighting the offspring of Jackie Rogers Jr. and a dirty pair of gas station nylons for Sia’s new song “Elastic Heart”. Sia says “You’re welcome.”

After dazzling us with her itchy-looking dramatic dumpster dance in the video for “Chandelier“, Sia once again called up Dance Moms star Maddie Ziegler, asked her if she still had that stained beige bodysuit and if she’d be willing to work with a human-sized bedbug, and brought her in to star in the video for “Elastic Heart”. The concept of which is…I’m not sure. Something about Shia LaBeouf being trapped in a giant cage with Maddie Ziegler in a world where there’s no soap and everyone expresses themselves through kicking. Sidenote: I had to get a tetanus shot last Sunday because I accidentally cut off part of my finger with a pair of kitchen scissors, and I don’t exactly know what tetanus is, but I think it’s whatever this video is. This video is tetanus.

And I really hope they recreate this video on Late Night with Seth Meyers like they did with “Chandelier”, because I really want to watch Lena Dunham get into a bonkers flailing-arms dance fight with a half-naked Shia LaBeouf. I’m not sure what that says about me. Actually, that could be a lingering side-effect from the tetanus shot.

So it begins… It was the Mayans who said (they didn’t say this) that in the year 2014, a human will mate with an alien lizard king visiting from another planet and months later she will give birth to an all-powerful baby who will take over the world and capture us all. They were right. Soon, we’re all going to be Cumberbtiches whether we like it or not.

Benedict Cumberbatch’s rep tells E! News that his fiancee of two months Sophie Hunter is carrying a cumberbaby in her womb. When asked for a comment, Oscar rival Eddie Redmayne said, “Oh yeah, oh yeah, well my WIFE is pregnant with quadruplets and we’ve already named them Oscarella, Oscarina, Oscartina and Oscarola.” Even though I’m obsessed with the Cumberbitches (does that mean I’m a Cumberbitchbitch?), I haven’t been to Tumblr yet, so I have no idea if it’s crumbled from the weight of 10,000 word posts written by his hardcore fans who think it’s sad that their God’s team is making him get engaged and make a baby just to win a trophy. Or maybe they haven’t written any posts like that, because they were too busy using their fingers to poke out their eyes after reading the worst thing they’ve ever read.

Here’s the statement from B. Cums’ rep:

“I am delighted to confirm that Benedict Cumberbatch and Sophie Hunter are expecting their first child. They are both over the moon.”

Yes, they said “over the moon,” but it doesn’t bother me. They probably went over the moon literally while traveling to his home planet to share the happy news with his subjects.

In case you missed them, here’s pictures of Sophie’s “bump” at the Palm Springs International Film Festival over the weekend.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash