Night Crumbs

/ January 8, 2015

Giada De Laurentiis denies cheating on her husband with John Mayer, Bobby Flay, Matt Lauer and all the other dudes she’s been on TV with. Does Giada realize that if she keeps spitting out the denials her Blow Job Queen title is going to be ripped away? That’s not a title you want to let go of. That is an honor! – Celebitchy

Keira Knightley looks “over it” in the face and that’s either because of the fetus growing inside of her body or she’s pissed at Bendystraw Cucumbersnatch for stealing her pregnant thunder – Lainey Gossip

I’ve seen Real Dolls that look more natural and lifelike than Kylie JennerDrunken Stepfather

Steve Kroft of 60 Minutes once drank champagne out of his side piece’s ass. “Dumbasses! Champagne is supposed to go in your ass, not out of it” said Goopy Paltrow while getting a Cristal enema – WWTDD

If I was Matt Bomer’s husband and he thanked me at an awards show, I’d stand up and scream, “Yeah, so that means he’s fucking me and me only. Stay away, sluts!”Towleroad

Calvin Klein Photoshopped pubes onto Justin Bieber’s hairless body. They probably figured that since they’re adding a dick bulge to his genital-less crotch, they might as well go all the way – The Superficial

Swedish pop star puts a condom on her leg to prove that condoms can fit even the biggest dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ll agree with her as soon as I see pictures of the Hammaconda in a condom – Jezebel

There’s a real-life Peter Griffin and here he is – Hollywood Tuna

Every men’s fashion magazine needs to take note and learn true style from these dads – The Berry

I get it, sometimes you really have to go and the only thing available is a bottle, but Emily Blunt should still see a doctor, because that color doesn’t look right – Popoholic

Ethan Hawke did a Prada ad – OMG Blog

I should double up on my caffeine, because I looked at these pictures of Kristen Stewart and her “gal pal” (which is tabloid for “partner in pussy”) and thought they were pictures of Kristen Stewart and BlossomPopsugar

Pigs can’t fly, but they can ice skate – SOW

Can’t Miley Cyrus just up Bill Ray’s allowance so he can stop breaking into her house? – Just Jared

It’s official, the meaning of true love is dead, buried and has been eaten by worms – ICYDK

Will.i.cant is subtle – Celebslam

I don’t watch Fargo, but reading the words “Jean Smart joins the cast of Fargo” has convinced me to start watching FargoPajiba

Jennifer Aniston is over talking about that 10 year old love triangle – HuffPo

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Marilyn Manson Keeps His Chonies On During Sex

/ January 8, 2015

I know you’ve been wondering what Marilyn Manson’s average fuck time sessions look like, and now you can stop wondering and start painting the picture with your mind.

Rolling Stone did a really interesting profile about Hot Topic’s oldest customer and I hope Lifetime turns it into a movie. Paul from The Wonder Years can play Marilyn Manson. (“So you mean, Marilyn Manson can play himself” said every trick who will forever believe that Paul from The Wonder Years and MM are the same person. I used to be you and a part of me still is.) Marilyn talks about his phobias and how his phobias get in the way of him having all-naked fuck times with the lights on. Marilyn’s mom had Munchausen by Proxy syndrome and he was in the hospital a lot for “allergies,” so all his weird phobias might have come from his childhood.

He can’t really take a shower with a piece he’s dating and he doesn’t do baths at all. Marilyn’s maid probably has a severe case of arthritis in the hands from constantly scrubbing white Halloween makeup, sex smegma and who knows what else out of his bed linens, because he only sleeps on black sheets and he bones at least 5 times a day. I figured Marilyn Manson came grey dust because he’s that goth. But now I know he cums dust and air because his gonads can’t produce jizz fast enough. Marilyn, who is currently doing photographer Lindsay Usich (If you read that as “Lars Ulrich” go with it. It’s good for your visuals), has to screw in the dark  and he’s always prepared for a fire:

First, no lights shall be on. “I’m just really shy, despite what you’d imagine,” he says. Second, no underwear shall be slipped farther down than his ankles. “I have a phobia that the house is going to catch fire, and I don’t want to be naked,” he says.

Basically, Marilyn Manson screws like a teenager who’s afraid his parents are going to come home at any minute.

So Marilyn Manson has to keep his panties on when doing sex. Big deal. He always acts like he’s the King of the Weirdos. He’s not. For his information, every human being I’ve ever done it with insists on keeping their underwear on too. It’s not that uncommon. Yes, they insist on keeping it over their face so they can’t see me, but still. That counts.

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Open Post: Hosted By The Owner Of The Clippers Going Crazy For Fergie

/ January 8, 2015

Jerry Springer, please come and get your old bouncer.

Even though San Gabriel Valley’s sweetheart Fergie Ferg shouts out neighborhoods near my hometown in her new single “L.A. Love,” I can’t stand that song, because it sounds like an Iggy Azalea impersonator giving the most annoying geography lesson ever. If I wanted to hear someone shout out the names of a bunch of cities, I’d spend time with a talking globe. But well, there is someone out there who loves that song and that someone is Steve Ballmer, the owner of the Los Angeles Clippers.

When Fergie performed that shit during a Clippers game, Steve Ballmer got up and busted out some “landing signal officer on meth” moves. This is probably a STUNT QUEEN stunt to promote the Clippers, but I can still appreciate a bald man moving like a cracked out gorilla juggling invisible pins:

If he really wanted to give it up for his girl Fergie, he should’ve pissed in his khakis. Next time.

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Meryl Streep Had A Few Things To Say About Russell Crowe’s “Actresses Should Play Their Age” Comment

/ January 8, 2015

And Tracey Ullman was the best part of Meryl Streep’s response. But before we get into the wonder that is Tracey Ullman’s facial expressions….

Russell Crowe recently told The Australian Women’s Weekly that he’s too old to play the Gladiator, and he added that actresses who complain that there aren’t any roles for them are usually the ones who are in their 40s and still want to play the young ingenue. (I see Russell Crowe throwing belated shade at Joan Crawford for playing her daughter’s role in that soap. Bitch is going to get a wire hanger slap from the great beyond.) I wish Russell felt the same way about actors in movie musicals. Because if he felt that you should be able to sing if you’re going to be in a movie musical, my ears would have never been traumatized by his walrus warble in Les Miserables. Here’s a piece of what Russell said. You can read the entire thing here.

“The best thing about the industry I’m in – movies – is that there are roles for people in all different stages of life. To be honest, I think you’ll find that the woman who is saying that (the roles have dried up) is the woman who at 40, 45, 48, still wants to play the ingénue, and can’t understand why she’s not being cast as the 21 year old. Meryl Streep will give you 10,000 examples and arguments as to why that’s bullshit, so will Helen Mirren, or whoever it happens to be.”

Russell got a lot of hotel desk phones thrown at him for saying that, because many of the good, lead female roles are for youngins and the older roles usually go to Meryl Streep. Russell really shouldn’t have used Meryl Streep as an example. She’s in her own category. If she wanted to play a Japanese baby boy in a movie, they’d probably let her. She’s Meryl Fucking Streep.

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Jennifer Aniston Says Justin Theroux Might Be A Gift From One Of Her Exes In Heaven

/ January 8, 2015

Well, one thing is for sure – his double-stuffed Pillsbury dough bulge is a gift from God.

During an interview with The New York Times, Jennifer Aniston shared a sort of sweet/sort of spooky theory about one of her ex-boyfriends and her current piece Justin Theroux. After being asked a bunch of questions about the paps and the tabloids and her ex-husband Brad Pitt (which would bring this week’s tally up to…), Jenny changed the subject and decided to talk about her “first love”, a guy she dated for 5 years who later passed away from a brain tumor. Apparently she didn’t fully appreciate him at the time, but 20 years later, she thinks maybe she’s been given a second chance, courtesy of her ex:

“He would have been the one. But I was 25, and I was stupid. He must have sent me Justin to make up for it all.”

I’ve never been to Heaven, so I have no idea what it’s like. But I can imagine it gets boring sometimes (it’s literally filled with old people, and old people spend 87% of the day napping) and you have to make your own fun. So why not set your exes up with hot younger dudes? It’s the nice thing to do, and you are an angel, after all. Plus I’m sure that all that charity work gets you some major points with Jesus, and that’s never a bad thing.

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Taylor Swift Is Reportedly Trying To Lock-Down Leonardo DiCaprio As Her Next Boyfriend

/ January 8, 2015

Boy…friend? What is a boy friend?” asked a confused Leonardo DiCaprio from high atop a Jenga-like tower of 27 nameless naked models.

According to the journalistic vanguard that is The National Enquirer, Taylor Swift has set her beady-little boy crazy eyes on the current most accurate visual definition of the word itchy, Leo DiCaprio. That sound you just heard was four dozen panty models running down the deck of the S. S. Snatch Catcher to the communal laptop to update their Model Mayhem portfolios for fear that they might soon be out of a job.

The Enquirer claims that Tay Tay demanded her manager set up a meeting with DiDi to see if he was boyfriend material. Spoiler alert: HE’S NOT. Apparently he passed the test, and Tay Tay invited him to hang out with her in New York. She has also been texting him relentlessly, as is Taylor Swift’s custom. A source also says that Leo is “turned on” by her success, and that Tay Tay thinks they’d be the perfect “power couple.” Of course, a source close to Leo (Lukas Haas working hard while hardly working) tells Gossip Cop that it’s 100% butterscotch-scented bullshit.

You don’t have to be Detective Olivia Benson – the human, not the cat – to know this story is all kinds of questionable. First of all, there definitely wasn’t a second date after Tay Tay realized the person her manager had set her up with was neither Jack from Titanic or Romeo from Romeo+Juliet. Second, Tay Tay has a full-time job, which means she can’t spend 11 months of the year floating aimlessly on a yacht, which is Leo’s No.1 deal breaker. Third, we all know that Taylor is really into pussies, but the only girls-into-pussies that Leo is interested in are the ones who can fill in during Threesome Thursdays at Casa DiCaprio. Don’t worry Tay Tay – there’s plenty more hobo-looking man sluts in the sea.

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