St. Angie Jolie graced the eyeballs of the people with her holiness at the AFI Awards in Beverly Hills today. Brad Pitt obviously couldn’t make it, but why did she bring the dude from Fall Out Boy? – Lainey Gossip 

Thanks to the Sony hack, Charlize Theron will get paid as much as Thor for the Snow White and the Huntsman sequel. Now Charlize can buy Soul Cycle and ban Tia Mowry – Celebitchy

Posh Beckham’s 73 Questions with Vogue is so natural and so not rehearsed – WWTDD

If Candice Swanepoel is trying to do STAINS as Marilyn Monroe, she nailed it – Drunken Stepfather

Surprise, Sam Smith sounds better singing in the shower than you do. Well, unless your name is Celine Dion. If that’s the case, that comment isn’t directed toward you since you’re the GREATEST SINGUH in da shower and da world! – Towleroad

Teresa Giudice got a slightly early release date. I’m sure they’ll eventually push up her release date to next week, because they’re sick of her ass and she’s annoying everyone – Reality Tea

Don’t feel sorry for lonely Leonardo DiCatchAHo, I’m sure there’s at least a dozen models underwater who are sucking his dick and tossing his salad – Gawker

Miranda Kerr posed without a top on for Uncle Terry and she didn’t get jizzed on (I think) – Hollywood Tuna

Sia is sorry if her video made you feel weird. She should be sorry, because Shia LaBeouf’s dirty body did things to me. It did things I don’t like to feel while looking at Shia LaBeouf’s dirty body – The Superficial

You should take comfort in knowing that at any time of day, Hilary Duff is just walking all around Los Angeles while the paps take pictures of her ass – Popoholic

So where do I sign the petition to get Taylor Swift on Girls? – Popsugar

The time that Beyonce was on The View and defined the meaning of humble – Boy Culture

And here’s 29 pieces who would look hotter in that Calvin Klein campaign than you know who – The Berry

The Wet Hot American Summer Netflix show is happening and this is the best news for hos who can’t get enough of Christopher Meloni in a half shirt and man-on-man tool shed action between Bradley Cooper and Michael Ian Black – Just Jared

How is it possible that Blue Ivy Carter turned 3 on Wednesday and the government did not declare it a national holiday? – ICYDK

Kelly Rippin will now be known as the Kim Kartrashian of reporters – SOW

Heartbreakers is real – Jezebel

The hell kind of heinous shit did Wonky McValtrex’s new living fashion accessory do in a past life to deserve the punishment of being named after her? – HuffPo

Pic: Getty

Your eyes probably can’t safely travel anywhere on the Internet without being hit with pictures of Justin Bieber’s Photoshopped boy tits and his “gotta poop while getting fisted” facial expression. So here’s a little fashion ad palate cleanser in the form of Joni Mitchell in ads for Saint Laurent. Saint Laurent’s creative director Hedi Slimane shot the pictures at Joni Mitchell’s house in Bel Air, CA. Courtney Love, Marianne Faithfull and Kim Gordon have all done a Saint Laurent ad before. Joni Mitchell is really giving me fashion in the face and by that I mean she looks like she’s thinking to herself, “Will you just take the picture, give me my check and then leave so that I can go back to making dreamcatcher necklaces for the birds who come around when I play the guitar in my backyard?”

Memaws heading fashion campaigns might be a new thing. First, Celine puts 80-year-old Joan Didion in an ad and now 71-year-old Joni Mitchell is doing Saint Laurent. Hopefully this leads to Betty White becoming the newest Victoria’s Secret Angel and Mickey Rourke replacing the Biebs as the new ass of Calvin Klein panties. If oldies in fashion ads becomes a trend, Lindsay Lohan will finally get her wish of starring a Chanel campaign.

Here’s another one of Joni styled like Grandma Harry Styles.

And I hope Joni Mitchell can finally heat her pool with the money she got for this shit.

Now would be the time to light a few vanilla-scented candles and pour yourself a tall glass of pink champagne-style alcoholic beverage, because this story is all sorts of romantic and you’re going to want to set the mood right. Rapper Kevin Gates recently admitted to TMZ that he used to fuck his cousin. Like his cousin cousin, as in related to and sharing DNA with. But it wasn’t just a hit it & quit it & see you at the family reunion kind of thing. You see, Kevin is a gentleman. Kevin began dating his cousin back in 2006, but back then he didn’t know they were related. 3 months into their relationship, Kevin’s grandmother informed him that they were cousins.

Normally when you find out that you share an Ancestry.com page (more like Incestry.eww, in this case) with the person you’re humping on, you might consider calling it quits on your relationship. But not Kevin. Like I said before, Kevin is a gentleman; he continued to date his cousin for another 2 years. TWO YEARS! That’s forever in regular people time, let alone in boning your cousin time.

Kevin says he doesn’t regret getting nasty with his cousin, and claims they’re still on good terms. However, he isn’t sure how related they actually are; Kevin says he never found out whether it was his first, second, or third cousin. But it doesn’t matter, because according to Kevin, she was “good pussy”. Here, I’ll let Kevin explain it himself:

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No, Jamie Dornan’s greatest fear isn’t that every time he goes to the grocery store, he’ll see some desperate skinny fat gay guy having butt sex with a bag of grapes while screaming his name. Jamie Dornan’s greatest fear also isn’t that Fifty Shades of Shit will flop hard and the only roles he’ll be able to get will be in SyFy movies and direct-to-VOD soft-core gay porns opposite Chad Allen (I wish). Jamie Dornan tells Details that nothing fills him all the way up with fear like the thought of a crazed Fifty Shades stan killing him at one of the premieres. Too bad ho’s greatest fear isn’t that clothes will suffocate him to death so he has to walk around totally naked. Jamie dribbled out this dark shit about his greatest fear:

“I almost don’t want to put this out there into the ether, but I fear I’ll get murdered, like John Lennon, by one of those mad fans at the premiere. I’m a father now, and a husband. I don’t want to die yet. And when I do get murdered, people will say, ‘God, isn’t it haunting how he did that interview in Details magazine and predicted his own death on the red carpet?'”

Does Jamie even know the Fifty Shades fandom (I hate myself for typing that)? I’m pretty sure the most hardcore Fifty Shaders are Walmart-shopping, CBS sitcom-watching, Liz Lange for HSN-wearing, Buick LaCrosse-driving, Activia-creaming, Barefoot wine-drinking middle-aged moms from the Midwest. I don’t know if he has to worry about them murdering his ass. But he should worry about them asking him if he’s eating enough, because he looks a little on the skinny side and is he getting enough good fats, they saw something about that on Dr. Oz and they noticed in pictures from events that he’s been drinking a lot and he should really cut back and blah blah blah… Now that I think about it, all of that nagging will lead to Jamie wanting to throw himself into oncoming traffic, so maybe he has a reason to be afraid after all.

Look at that smug lizard – he’s practically visualizing his trophy case buckling under the weight of all those prospective awards. “Oh heavens, I don’t know if I could accept another! The shelves are already frightfully overburdened. Okay, maybe just an Oscar…”

Speaking of, it appears creepy otter man Benedict Cumberbatch is one step closer to an Oscar nomination. The fancy British half-brother of the Academy Awards, the BAFTAs, were announced today by the newly-engaged Stephen Fry and hot piece of haddock n’ chips Sam Claflin, and one of the first names to be called was that of Bluegrass Cobblepot himself for Leading Actor for The Imitation Game. Blunderson’s Imitation Game co-star Keira Knightley also got a nomination for Supporting Actress.

The list of BAFTA nominees is after the cut, and it sounds like the British still haven’t forgiven Rachel Green for ruining Emma Waltham’s wedding, because there was no Leading Actress nomination for Jennifer Aniston. NO! It’s because they never screened Cake across the pond.

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Oh booze, sweet booze. The sweet nectar can be a delicious and wonderful thing, but sometimes it leads you down a dark, destructive path where you wake up with half of your face burned off because the booze screwed with your decision-making skills and you thought it would be a really good idea to eat out Parasite Hilton. I’m assuming Henry Cavill’s plastered as shit in these pictures, but he could also have the dizzies from breathing in the toxic fumes wafting off of Wonky McValtrex.

Last night, W Magazine threw a party at the Chateau Marmont where Henry partied with Chris Evans and Gillian Anderson. I already screamed out, “Fuck you, Gillian,” at Gillian on behalf of all of us for being the cheese in that Double Down man sandwich. As Lainey at Lainey Gossip points out, Henry ignored the “Stay Away From Wonky” fliers that the Department of Health hands out when you arrive at LAX and got into an SUV with Paris Hilton after the party. This could be nothing, but then again, Henry (or his publicists) can really pick ’em.

Nobody saw this one coming. We all thought Superman would meet his tragic demise by the hand of Lex Luthor or from a deadly case of thrush (which he got from wearing those damn sweaty tights all the time). Nobody would’ve ever guessed that Superman would turn green and melt into a puddle of smegma after wet humping on Parasite Hilton’s kryptokooch. I bet she’s working for Lex Luthor. Look at her hiding in the shadows (and that attention whore NEVER does that) with an evil smirk on her face. Bitch knows what she’s doing.

Pics: Getty, Splash