Because the batteries died in my remote control and I was too lazy to get up and change the channel (lazy/drunk, same thing), I watched the SAG Awards last night. Yes, instead of the Miss Universe pageant; don’t worry, my brain is still cursing me out for it. Except for the part where legendary no-fucks-given type Julia Roberts gave no fucks and verbally jerked off Mark Ruffalo during the presentation of an award he wasn’t even nominated for. At that point, my brain was like “Okay, you’re off the hook for now…”

Pretty Woman was there to announce the winner of the award for Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Leading Role (which eventually went to adorable freckled elf Eddie Redmayne), but before she announced anything, she said this:

“Good evening. They had a wordy little tongue twister for me to start with about how fabulous actors are, but instead, I just want to say, Mark Ruffalo is one outstanding actor. I am so absolutely tickled to my toes that he won tonight. He wasn’t here. Waiting for that Nor’easter.”

Mark Ruffalo had just won the SAG award for Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Miniseries or Television Movie for The Normal Heart, but couldn’t be there to accept his award because he was too busy being a major hunk at home or something. NO! He had to work. And Julia wasn’t being a spotlight-yanking bitch, she was just excited for her friend. A friend who could make anybody swoon to the moon, so I give her a pass.

But that Julia Roberts is definitely my favorite kind of Julia Roberts. The one that’s like “Yes, I know you stayed up till 3am sitting on a busted chair in a dank writers room thinking of something clever for me to read off the teleprompter, but Julia Roberts does what Julia Roberts wants” before lowering a pair of black sunglasses over her eyes like the Deal With It dog. Case in point, Julia Roberts wearing a sexy tuxedo jumpsuit onesie to the SAG Awards:

Pics: Wenn.com

A glimpse inside of Chris Christie’s arteries – Tyler Harrell

Upvote winner:

Dlisted’s 10th Anniversary Party theme was “sophisticated redheads”. – Richbitch

Pic: Tosh.0

The dog friend who heroically saved the pussy who got its head stuck in a cup!

I don’t know why this keeps happening, but it’s Monday again. Since it’s Monday, you’re either going after a rock that keeps rolling into a pond or you’re stumbling around with a red cup stuck on your head as some mean human stands there and films your ass. If you’re in NYC and preparing for The Day After Tomorrow to become your real-life, then you’re scrambling around with a red cup over your head, buying the necessities (booze, lube, a portable generator to power your iPhone just in case the power goes out, because being stuck inside without access to PornHub is a real tragedy). We’re all just stumbling around with our heads stuck in a cup hoping that a Captain Save-A-Ho will help us out.

In this highly important video, a cat gets into trouble when its head gets stuck in a cup and it walks around for a bit before a dog friend does that pussy a solid by pulling that cup off of it. Once again, dog friends teach all of us a lesson. Even though that cat is the dog’s sworn enemy, it still puts their differences aside to help a bitch in need out. This video is truly the key to world peace.

During the cringe-inducing Q&A part of the Miss Universe pageant last night (side note: Miss Jamaica was ROBBED), Miss USA was asked what her message to the terrorists is. Miss USA should’ve answered with, “Why the fuck are you asking me about this shit?!” But instead, she copy + pasted her answer from Miss Congeniality by saying: “I know as Miss USA I can always spread a message of hope and love and peace, and I would do my very best to spread that message to them and everyone else in the world.”

What she should’ve said is, “I would tell the terrorists, ‘Terrorists, we’re all just stumbling around with our heads stuck in a red cup. So why don’t you stop with the killing and beheading and ugly threats and pull a red cup off of a ho in need instead? Let’s learn from our dog friends.” Bitch would’ve won if she said that.

via Tastefully Offensive 

Ellen Degeneres (57)
Cameron Bright (22)
Manti Te’o (24)
Christopher Massey (25)
Emily Hughes (26)
Sara Rue (36)
Gilles Marini (39)
Kirk Franklin (45)
Wayne Gretzky (54)
Anita Baker (57)
Eddie Van Halen (60)
Lucinda Williams (62)
Mimi Leder (63)
David Strathairn (66)
Christopher Hampton (69)
Scott Glenn (74)
Bob Uecker (81)
Ann Jeffreys (92)

Yes, that pen has already been preserved in bronze and mounted at the altar in St. Peter’s Basilica. And yes, that burgundy leather book thing is the Angelina Jolie version of The Bible (aka the only version that matters).

While Brad Pitt inhaled Utah’s entire supply of the good shit with James Franco at Sundance, his holier half blessed the floor tiles of LAX with her ethereal hooves. Dame St. Angie Jolie was on her way to Kurdistan. But before she got on a plane and filled the lungs of its passengers with the distilled holy water fumes she exhales, she signed autographs for the peasants while wearing some shit from Darth Vader’s collection for The Limited. I know St. Angie Jolie has more important things to worry about (examples: saving the world, injecting virgin blood into her forehead vein of destruction and training her child army for the day they become our overlords), but can she at least try to elevate her fashion?

That shawl thing is just tired. My abuelita wore that years ago to funerals (because she’s always cold and needed something to whip us brats with if we acted wrong) and she wore it better. St. Angie should really bring the couture by wearing former HSOTD, the three way poncho:

But I’ll give St. Angie the benefit of the doubt. She probably wants to wear the must-have fashion item of the century, but knows that she could never come close to working it the way that Suzanne Somers works it.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

A serene-looking Kim Kardashian kept her kulo klassy at the BET Honors last night. By “klassy,” I mean her husband didn’t have her serve that ass up like two greased n’ shiny hogs gone fetal per usual. Instead, Yeezus stuffed her into a dark-sided frock that made her look like Bore-ticia Addams.

It’s refreshing (I guess) to be able to see Kim’s sex ferret face not being eclipsed by her donk, but that’s a weird dress. Yes, I’m sure it’s considered to be the finest couture, but man, do these two try too hard. I know she’s never said no to anything (exploitation, watersports, her mother pinning her soul down with the Ajanti Dagger in a magic circle for Satan to come collect), but someone tell her she can! Eff his delusions of Kunty Karl! You can contain the ass in a palatable way, Kimmy. Coats or something, right? I don’t know, my shirt is from Target.

And how come every time I see these two out and about (and that’s a lot), their baby is nowhere to be found? Yes, this is a “red carpet” situation, but I’m talking in general. Don’t tell me it’s some sort of “keeping the kid away from the paps” situation, either. Just call it a day and change that kid’s name to “Who?” already.

Check out more pics of Kim and Kanye at the BET Honors at the Warner Theatre in Washington, DC below.

Photo credit: WENN and Splash