21-year-old Lebanese American porn performer Mia Khalifa is the most searched trick on PornHub, which is sort of surprising, because I’d guess that Carrot Top would own that title since I search his name on PornHub at least 300 times an hour hoping that one day a video worth fapping over will come up. Mia Khalifa’s claim to fame is getting boned in front of a camera while wearing a hijab. (“Mom, why didn’t YOU think of that?” – Kim Kardashian to Pimp Mama Kris) Mia talked about things with a Miami sports radio station (via ONTD) and no, they didn’t ask her how to perfectly achieve a manicured chola Groucho Marx eyebrow situation. But they did ask her if any famous dudes have ever tried to wet hump on her. Guess what? Some have. I know, finding out that famous dudes try to fuck on porn stars probably made your brain ooze out of your ear holes. It’s shocking. Mia said she wouldn’t name names, but then she pretty much named a name by saying one of the famous dudes who slipped a note into her DM box has a name that rhymes with “rake.” Yeah, it could be Jake the Snake or Drake Bell or Lake Bell or Blake Lively, but it’s obviously that thirsty bitch Wheelchair Jimmy.

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And I’m sure if you were to ask her how many days 15 is, she’d throw up the same number of fingers as above and go “I dunno, this many? Who cares. What is this, the SATs? Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get Dina this many boxes of wine so she can take this many naps.”

So, tomorrow is January 28th. For most of us, January 28th is just a regular Wednesday. But for Lindsay Lohan, January 28th is the day she’s supposed to have all her delinquent community service hours completed. And surprise sur-fucking-prise, she’s been too busy partying and poorly Photoshopping half-naked selfies to get them done. However, that won’t stop her from trying! According to TMZ, Lindsay went to the Community Service Volunteers in London on Friday and Saturday to finish the 15 days worth of community service hours she couldn’t complete over the holidays because she was “sick” with that Chikungunya virus. They say her plan was to go again on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, but in classic LiLo fashion, LiLo said fuck it, and went to couture week in Paris instead.

According to Page Six, Lindsay spend Saturday night at a club called Le Titty Twister and didn’t leave till 5am. Then she spent Sunday at a Saint Laurent fashion show. No word on what she did yesterday and today, but I’m going to go out on a limb and guess “not community service”. But don’t count the Apricot Ashtray out yet! TMZ says Lindsay is confident she can get all her community service done by tomorrow. Tomorrow. She thinks she can get it all done by tomorrow. Oh my god, drugs and booze have melted her brain worse than we thought.

Now, I’m not a lawyer, but I feel like she should be honest when she strolls into court tomorrow and tell the judge she was at a club in Paris. Technically, she was performing a type of community service; I can’t think of a better way to discourage excessive partying than being approached at a club at 5am by 28-year-old woman who looks like a 48-year-old mop asking to bum a couple smokes in exchange for a Teen Choice Award.

I guess the Reptilian from Benedict Cumberbatch’s home planet who trained him to talk and act like a modern day human before he came to Earth forgot to tell him that it’s probably not a good idea to refer to black people as “colored.” The alien lizard masquerading as a Posh British actor was on PBS’ The Tavis Smalley Show last week and they got into talking about diversity in Hollywood. B. Cums called black actors” colored” when talking about how there’s more roles in the US than in the UK for black actors. B. Cums’ great great great great great great great-granddaddy would be proud!

“I think as far as colored actors go, it gets really difficult in the U.K., and a lot of my friends have had more opportunities (in the U.S.) than in the U.K. and that’s something that needs to change.”

The clip is here if your ears need to hear it for themselves. Some people said that B. Cums should get a pass since he’s a privileged British person who was raised by privileged British people who still use outdated phrases from the old times, but many, many others including the UK-based organization Show Racism the Red Card slapped at his lizard slit of a mouth for saying that shit.

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The 17-year-old aspiring dirtbag wannabe skater girl in me just collapsed on the floor and started sobbing into a pile of Dickies pants and baseball raglans and empty tubes of Fudge Paintbox Pretty Flamingo hair dye, because my pop punk reason for living – Blink-182 – is currently in a bad way. During a recent interview with Rolling Stone, Blink-182’s Mark Hoppus and tattooed millipede Travis Barker took off their studded bracelets and took several bitchy swipes at Blink-182’s former guitarist Tom DeLonge. And those swipes were especially bitchy, because Tom DeLonge says he wasn’t aware that he had ever quit the band. Ooooh, adult dude drama!

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While wearing a blouse made out of a giant poop Fruit Roll-Up, Kim Kartrashian pimped out her new Super Whore commercial for T-Mobile on Entertainment Tonight in an interview airing today and she shat up words about how she’s been practically taking selfies since she was in the womb and how she and Kanye West are trying to make another living dress-up doll that they’ll ignore when the cameras aren’t around, because somebody has to keep the nanny industry alive. ET’s Kevin Frazier brought up the hottest member of their evil coven of fame whores, Bruce Jenner, and asked Kummy Kakes if he’s going through something. Kevin wanted to, but didn’t straight-up ask, “Listen, bitch, is he transitioning into Sable Colby or what?”

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No, you didn’t fall into some kind of weird time rip that sucked you back in time to last year’s awards season where all anyone could talk about was whether or not Lupita Nyong’o was humping on the Greasy Jesus of Bushwick Jared Leto. It’s still 2015, and we’re still wondering if Lupita Nyong’o is currently spending her mornings washing Jared’s musty bike seat ball stink off her down-lows.

The last time we checked in on Lupita love life, she was dating Canadian rapper K’naan. Not Canada’s best rapper, but I digress. But UsWeekly says that relationship is as dead as Jared’s peroxide-dipped split ends, and she was seen getting “very flirty” with Jared during a SAG Awards afterparty in Sunday night. A source claims:

“He came in and spoke to Harvey [Weinstein] for a second, than raced right for Lupita. He hugged her and started whispering to her quietly.” The unattached actress was receptive to Leto’s attention, following his lead as he “dragged her right to the dance floor.”

While dancing, the stars “were whispering and laughing” closely together. “At one point they were sticking their tongues out at each other and staring into each others eyes. It was very flirty. Then Jared said he had to go but he told her to text him later and he ran off.”

Lupita was probably just checking his tongue for traces of Horny Rodent Rot. Of course, an insider (the stoned lice that live in Jared’s hair) tells Hollywood Life that you can stop picturing the words Mrs. Lupita Let’o, because the rumor that they’re humping on each other is 100% bullshit:

“Jared and Lupita are super super close and really good friends. It definitely could have been looked at as a major flirt fest but they are so close from spending so much time in last years award season that they just started from where they left off, the affection comes from a friendly place and not a budding relationship. They are not dating.”

Just friends, eh? Well in that case, I’d like to remind Lupita that it’s her job as Jared’s friend to make sure he doesn’t leave the house looking like a total mess. Friends don’t let friends show up to the SAG Awards looking like a low-budget Carrie Bradshaw, Lupita.

Pic: AP