Chris Rock (50)
Jake Goldberg (19)
Kerli (28)
Stephen Colletti (29)
James Deen (29)
Tina Majorino (30)
Deborah Ann Woll (30)
Ashton Kutcher (37)
Kelly Choi (39)
Essence Atkins (43)
Robyn Lively (43)
Jason Gedrick (50)
Garth Brooks (53)
Eddie Izzard (53)
James Spader (55)
Emo Philips (59)
Miguel Ferrer (60)

I know, that headline. She quit her job, then left her wife and wandered away from civilization to Easter Island where she raised turtles on an isolated farm for the rest of her days.

A Rosie has thrown an “I QUIT THIS BITCH” at The View. It’s just not the Rosie we all thought it would be. Rosie O’Donnell’s spokeswhore said in a statement to Page Six tonight that Rosie has quit The View AGAIN after only 5 months and she’s quitting her wife of 2 and a half years, Michelle Rounds. Michelle and Rosie adopted a daughter together in 2013. Apparently, they been done for a while and have decided to be permanently done. Rosie is checking out of the pecking hen pen known as The View to take care of her family.

“I can confirm that Rosie and her wife Michelle split in November. Rosie has teens and an infant at home that need her attention. This has been a very stressful situation. She is putting her personal health and family first. ABC has been wonderfully understanding and supportive of her personal decision to leave ‘The View.’ Next week will be her last.”

So I guess from now, The View will be nothing but Whoopi Goldberg spitting out some foolery as Nicole Wallace, Rosie Perez and Mario Cantone (because he’s ALWAYS there) nervously whistle while staring at the ceiling. I’ve watched The View every day since Rosie came back, because I have no love for myself, and have been waiting for her to lose her mind and unlock her jaw on those hos. She hasn’t. She mostly just slobbers on about a little independent movie called Frozen, because that tiny, unknown film needs all the attention it can get. She honestly didn’t seem that into that shit this time around and I’m highly disappointed that she never jumped the table and shredded tricks. I know I don’t pay for The View, but I still want my money back.

And I’m sure if The View goes on, Rosie O’Donnell will be back next year AGAIN and she’ll have a new wife. What am I saying? Her U-Haul lesbian ass will have a new wife next month.

Chris Pratt made good on his Super Bowl bet with Chris Evans by dressing up as his Marvel character to visit Christopher’s Haven, a home for kids with cancer, in Boston. Either the fried macaroni and cheese I had for lunch is giving me heartburn or I’m actually feeling warm things from reading this story – Lainey Gossip

You know you’re pretty embarrassing and childish when Brad Pitt is embarrassed by your childish ass…. – Celebitchy

Meet the pristine, demure rose who has refillable chichis and yes, she’s a vision of true elegance, but if she’s 26 then I’m still in my mom’s womb – Jezebel

It was gracious of Pamela Anderson to lend Ashley Benson her old Baywatch suit for the cover of FHM – Drunken Stepfather

The sun rose today, the sun set today and Kim Kartrashian’s parts are all over the Internet again. We’ll do this again tomorrow – The Superficial

Meanwhile, Wonky McValtrex took her two push-up bras for a walk – Hollywood Tuna

Steve Carell, Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart serve up some throwback hairy nipples – Towleroad

When fanboying goes really, really wrong – WWTDD

Jessica Alba is coming for Hilary Duff’s title as the Queen of the Walking To Her Car In Front Of The Paps – Popoholic

I think I’ve seen at least 5 of these pictures on Grindr, so either a lot of hot pieces live around me or a lot of LIARS do. I’m going with the latter – The Berry

Um, is Disney planning to reimagine the beast as a sensitive, swoony baby goose who stares a lot and barely talks? – Pajiba

Lance Bass is really masc and really butch and he really wants everyone to know that – Gawker

Eddie Redmayne is fully clothed in Men’s Health. I didn’t know Men’s Health allowed that – Boy Culture

Kevin Hart is topless in Men’s Health. I guess Eddie Redmayne really didn’t get the memo – Just Jared

Our international nightmare is never going to end – HuffPo

“Ugh, boa constrictor colonics are so 2003,” said Goopy Paltrow while looking at this picture of Jennifer Lawrence – Popsugar

Pic: Facebook

I don’t really know why I stopped doing Hot Slut of the Week, Month and Year, but I just did for some reason. (“SPOILER ALERT: It’s because you’re a lazy whore!” – you) The last time Dlisted did Hot Slut of the Month was in December 2009 and Snooki won. The last Hot Slut of the Year was also in 2009 and STAINS won. Well, it’s time for someone to distract STAINS with cupcakes and snatch that crown right off of his head. Due to popular demand (aka the 3 of you who emailed me over the course of 5 years about this), Hot Slut of the Month and Year is finally back.

We’re doing things a little bit differently this time around. Before, I picked a Hot Slut of the Week each week and the readers voted on my choices each month. This time, we’re skipping Hot Slut of the Week and going straight to Hot Slut of the Month. Every month, the 3 Hot Sluts with the most Facebook likes will compete with a Hot Slut of my choice. I know, this is more confusing than the presidential election.

In January, the HSOTDs with the most FB likes were Bart the Zombie Cat, Ernest Moniz the US Secretary of Beauty and Dave the dancing freak machine from the UK’s MoneySuperMarket commercial. My pick is the greatest TV character of the 21st century Cookie Lyon from Empire.

Voting is below. Dlisted’s first Hot Slut of the Month of 2015 will be crowned on Wednesday, February 11th. Do not take this decision lightly. It’s the biggest decision of your life!

As  Bobbi Kristina Brown (whose warrants were recalled by the court FYI) lay in a coma next to her memaw Cissy Houston, Dionne Warwick is recovering from the busted ankle injury she got after falling in the shower.

E! News says that on the morning of January 24th, just a week before Bobbi Kristina was founded unconscious in her tub, Cousin Dionne screamed “Do you know the way to the ER?” after she slipped and fell while taking a shower in her home in South Orange, New Jersey. Dionne Warwick is 74 years old and it’s no joke when an oldie falls in the shower. 911 was called at 10:19am (TMZ notes that Bobbi Kristina’s 911 call came in at 10:25am a week later). Dionne was taken to the hospital by ambulance and her ankle was so jacked up that it needed surgery. She spent two weeks in the hospital before she was released yesterday.

Dionne’s rep says that she’s doing okay, but she’s not 100 percent recovered yet.

Well, I guess Cousin Dionne had a falling out with her psychic friends, because those assholes didn’t even call to warn her that this was going to happen. The Houston women should maybe consider bedside sponge baths only from now on. And I bet Cousin Dionne is sitting in her Lay-Z-Boy lounger with a blunt in her hand and waiting for the day she’s fully covered so she can get revenge on that shower for doing her wrong. Dionne is plotting and stewing and thinking of the moment when she gets to taste the sweetness of revenge as she destroys that shower. You know what I’m doing, right? You know that I’m creating a stupid storyline about Dionne wanting to destroy her shower just so that I can say she’s going to tell her shower, “I got your number, hussy.”

I mean, I always try to find a way to post this iconic clip:

All week long the Today show has been whoring out Fifty Shades of Grey hard, because they’re both owned by the same company and the producers of that cinematic shit show just knew that hearing human tap water drop Savannah Guthrie talk about the hot sex scenes would make you want to lube up your entire body and buy a ticket. I didn’t think anything could make Fifty Shades of Grey unsexier, but hearing Matt Lauer talk about it proved me wrong. Today’s non-stop whoring of Fifty Shades hit a fever pitch this morning when they hosted an early morning screening for the book’s biggest fans. RIP to the venue where that screening was held. Even if Fifty Shades sucked, you know those middle-aged moms still squirted out so much tapioca panty pudding that not even Hazmat could clean up the mess.

Before and after the screening, Savannah, Carson Daly and Natalie Morales did an interview with EL James, the movie’s director Sam Taylor-Johnson, Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson. It was Fifty Shades of Aaaaaaawkward. Jamie, Dakota and Sam tried to act like they were happy and excited but they looked like they were in the lobby of a clinic waiting for their HIV test results. Their mouths said, “I am excited,” but their faces said, “Get me the fuck out of here.” They all had Princess Charlene face. I know, after reading Gawker’s long post about how they all supposedly hate each other and Sam Taylor-Johnson’s words about EL James, I should have expected them to look about as happy and excited as a cow at a car wash.

But they don’t even try. In the pictures from this morning’s screening, Jamie looks like a dude who took his sister to the prom because his parents promised to put the down payment on the car he’s been eyeing if he did.

And in other news, the hell kind of melting snowman dominatrix secretary shit is Dakota Johnson wearing?

Pics: Splash