Dame Helen Mirren graced the premiere of her and Ryan Reynolds’ movie Woman in Gold at the Berlinale Film Festival in Berlin last night and she nearly took a tumble while gliding up the stairs. When Dame Helen Mirren almost falls, she looks like she’s doing a graceful and elegant dance interpretation of a hungover me on a pre-dawn Monday morning trying to find the glasses that knocked off of my bedside table during the night. Everybody creamed through their eyeballs when Jennifer Lawrence fell at the Oscars because they thought she was giving us some Tolstoy melodrama elegance, but Dame Helen did it better. Dame Helen’s fall has elegance, intrigue and booty popping.

This just goes to show you the perils of wearing exquisite Lucite heels when you’re not Shauna Sand. Dame Helen Mirren is a subway-riding queen of perfection, but Shauna Sand would never trip while wearing exquisite heels. If Shauna tripped while walking in the heels that are an extension of her feet, the earth would split in two as soon as she hit the ground.

Pics: FameFlynet, Wenn.com

When itchy butthole Justin Bieber was caught egging his neighbor’s house like a punk toddler back in January of 2014, he was sentenced to 12 anger management classes, 5 days of picking up trash and cleaning up graffiti, and paying $80,900 in damages. He has currently completed 9 out of the 12 anger management classes and paid the cash, but he hasn’t done anything about his community service. My guess is because he was too busy shooting diaper commercials and/or he thought he was too good for picking up trash (ironic, really). But according to his lawyer Shawn Holley, it’s because baby had an owie on one of his feetsies that prevented him from getting it done.

TMZ says Shawn Holley spent Tuesday morning in court crying on behalf of her client and explaining to the judge that Justin suffered a foot injury during a soccer game while he was on vacation in Turks and Caicos last month. That sound you just heard was every dad type yelling from the garage “So? Your hands still work, don’t they? Quit your bellyaching and start picking up that trash.”

But technically it might be the truth. Last month, Justin posted a picture of a busted bruised foot to his Shots account. I’ve hidden it after the cut, because it looks like Frankenstein’s boner after taking an expired Cialis (aka weird and gross):

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The Australian tabloid Woman’s Day says that soon Captain Maddox will give a new recruit a tour of the child army barracks in France and train the kid on how to make the most of an all-black wardrobe and how to lure dirty ass Brad Pitt to a bubble bath using a joint tied to a stick. A source (read: a first year intern who minors in Brangeloonism) tells Woman’s Day that Brad Pitt and Dame St. Angie Jolie are in the process of adopting a Syrian refugee she met in Turkey. “Hasn’t that poor child been through enough?” typed Scott Rudin whiled forwarding the Woman’s Day story to Amy Pascal.

The source says that St. Angie first met the 2-year-old kid named Moussa at the Altinozu refugee camp in Turkey and it was love at first sight. St Angie and Brad’s team confirmed that Moussa is an orphan and have been working on the adoption for the last few months. Meanwhile, Moussa is still at the refugee camp taking in “I see you’re going Hollywood” looks from the other orphans. The source spit out this stream of fanfic:

“Angelina heard about him from a translator and she was obviously upset, but Moussa was just beaming from ear to ear and when he saw she was wiping tears from her eyes he toddled up to her and gave her a hug and it was a very emotional moment and everyone was suddenly laughing and smiling. She kissed him on the top of his head and then they were basically inseparable for the rest of the visit.”

What kind of plot line for a sappy Super Bowl commercial? I’m surprised the “source” didn’t also say that the boy was blind but as soon as St. Angie Jolie’s angelic tears landed on his face, he could see again.

In other St. Angie news, there’s a rumor that Marvel wants St. Angie to direct the Captain Marvel movie. In other other St. Angie news, she and William Hague announced that they’re opening a Centre for Women, Peace and Security in London. I see what’s really going on here. St. Angie is going to use the Captain Marvel shoot as a front to train her child army. When you see pictures of St. Angie shooting a scene with tanks, the members of the child army will be driving those tanks. And in the basement of that new Centre will be the new child army training facility. The child army is growing and they’ll soon take over the world.

But seriously, Woman’s Day is about as reliable as Brian Williams, so that story probably isn’t true. I won’t believe it until St. Angie and Brad announce that they’ve adopted a 2-year-old boy from Syria that they’ve named Fax, Rolex, Mueslix or some other name that ends with an x.

After several months of getting her girl power groove back with her ya-ya sisterhood or whatever 1989 was supposed to be about, it sounds like Taylor Swift’s boy-crazy cootch (or as she calls it, her “love meadow”) once again has the fever for famous dick. According to E!, Ashley A’s human equivalent spent most of Sam Smith’s Grammy afterparty cozied up to Hozier, aka the Take Me To Church guy. Tay Tay and Hozier (government name: Andrew Hozier-Byrne) were first spotted hanging out at a HAIM concert last week, and apparently they spent a good deal of time together on Sunday night. A source says they were still chatting at 3:30am and that Taylor gave him a few kisses on the cheek when she left.

Of course, another source tells People that it’s 100% butterscotch-scented BS that anything R rated is going on between them because they’re just friends.

Or maybe Hozier was just a cheap last-minute replacement for Tay Tay’s first party boy choice Sam Smith, who sort of ditched her to hang out with the Veronica to her Heather, Katy Perry. The NY Daily News says that Tay Tay was forced to skip Universal’s Grammy afterparty because Katy showed up to that shit first and remora’d herself onto Sam before Tay Tay could. And since she hadn’t yet perfected the timing on her sassy finger-wag in case an impromptu “The Boy Is Mine”-style bitch-off broke out, she skipped it and waited for Sam at the after-afterparty. Which is where she killed some time batting her eyelashes at Hozier and telling him his hair looks sexy pushed back.

Here’s Tay Tay being escorted out of said party by her 35-year-old cool mom friend Jamie King on Sunday night. If you’ve ever wondered what Tay Tay’s face looks like after she writes her phone number on a guy’s arm using a Maybelline Baby Lips, here it is:

Pics: Splash

At the NYC premiere of NBC’s The Slap last night, photographers were overhead saying, “Okay, stop playing, who sent this Sphynx cat in Uma Thurman’s place,” when Uma Thurman showed up not looking like Uma Thurman.

UsWeekly, E! and The Daily Mail all looked at these pictures of Uma and threw the same, “hmmmm…your face doesn’t ring a bell,” look that North West throws at Kim Kartrashian when she’s collected from the nanny for a photo-op. Some think that Uma got the Renee Zellweger Special and Botoxed and pulled her face into a new one. I don’t know. Here’s a picture from another event on January 28th:

It might just be a case of Uma SANS eyeliner and mascars. Maybe the new equation is: Uma Thurman – mascara – eyeliner + red lipstick + slicked back hair + drawn in brows = the spawn of Anjelica Huston and Tilda Swinton. I haven’t seen the reviews for The Slap, so I don’t know if they’re bad, but maybe she’s embarrassed by it and didn’t want to show her face at the premiere, so she showed a new one instead.

Pics: Wenn.com, Getty

Just when you think the romantic interspecies love story between the alien ambassador of intergalactic space fucking Rihanna and perpetually horny human beard hair Leonardo DiCaprio could only get more romantic, he goes and proves that wild sluts are loyal to NO ONE, not even other wild sluts. Radar says that on Saturday night, Princess Ooh-Na-Na of the planet Nasty-6 and Leo DiCaprio both attended the same pre-Grammy party at 1Oak. But instead of rubbing their mouths on each other (as is custom between those two), Leo was caught rubbing his dirty cracker crumb-covered hobo beard all over the face of some random blonde model type. That far-away sound you just heard was the people of Nasty-6 weeping in sadness for their Princess.

An insider (a tiny coke-snorting mouse named Kai who lives in the walls of 1Oak) claims that while RiRi was hanging out with the owner at his table downstairs, Jack Nicholson Jr. was at a table a few feet away by the DJ booth making out with that yachtwrecking skank (Leo’s home is a boat, right?). The ‘insider’ doesn’t say whether or not RiRi was bothered by her former fuck partner mouth humping on a new lady, but I’m guessing either she didn’t care or she’s already forgotten she ever had a thing with him. “Leo who? Oh, you mean the boat dude who kept crying in his sleep about a dude named Oscar.”

Or maybe they’re still a down-low thing, but he was just making out with that random model because he had to. I would assume that after years of near-constant exposure to bony butt panty peddlers, his boner has become dependent on their energy and he needs to suck face with them to survive. It’s all science, really.